Coming Out of the Closet

I've stifled my orientation and gender so long I have no clue who or what I am. I tell others, "I like who I like and I dress according to how I feel that day." I really don't know who I am because I try so hard to please my family. My parents are accepting but my grandparents aren't...they are very black and white ultra-conservative and I don't think they could tolerate me as being anyting other than pursuing men and dressing feminine. I don't know if I could ever come out to them, but I have been living with them since October and will be living with them until we move in October.

Do my grandparents need to know I am neither straight nor feminine? I feel that I can't, I'm afraid they'll never look at me the same. But I also feel there will be a sense of freedom if I do come out to them.

Also, since I am so confused about who I really am...how do I go about finding out? How do I come out of the closet and explore my sexuality and gender preferences? Where do I even begin?

you dont necessarily need to come out of the closet. i know lots of people who are exploring their sexuality and gender without coming out of the closet. with todays ways where clothing is now neither strictly male or female, and its just as ok for women and men to do the same things their opposite gendered person can do, heck even getting licenses and state ID's now do not always ask a person to designate a gender or sexual orientation, schools now have bathrooms that can be used either or and when they dont they do have a separate bathroom designated family, male/female on the door placque....

my point is, that with how things are today no one is going to know your sexuality or your gender by your clothing or who you hang out with.

just be your self and some day when you are ready to tell your family you will know when the time is right. how will you know its the right time.... it will feel right to you and you will no longer care whether someone will have a problem with it. you will just naturally do whats right for you.

As far as clothing goes, I think you can ease into dressing masculine if you want, without having to come out of any closet. I'm gender queer/nonbinary and on the very masculine side of things when it comes to the clothes I prefer and I always wore the clothes I like without having to explain my gender to my relatives.

My grandma is very conservative as most people her age are here(and generally it's a more conservative society, for European standards at least) but both my grandma and my mother only think I'm weird and that I don't care about looking conventional.
Thing is, regardless of your orientation or gender identity, the clothes you like are at the end a personal style/preference thing and we only ascribe them to expressing our gender identity because they've been gendered by society. So I just say I like men's style better and that's that. I would try to explain if I thought they'd truly get it but since I don't think they will, I keep it simple.

Oh and have you seen Cate Blanchett? She's a gorgeous, famous, probably straight and cis woman and often wears androgynous clothes, always had. In fact she probably wears suits more than dresses and some are very androgynous. My point is, even straight, cis women can have a liking for the "masculine" style of clothing and in fact I think a lot of straight, cis women don't consider it as an option precisely cause they know there'd be some stigma or they'd stop being attractive to men. So my advice would be to just dress and act however you like and just not label it if you don't want to.

As for orientation...well, I'm in a similar pickle because I've just really embraced/realised my bisexuality but I can't bring myself to tell anyone in my circle, let alone my mom or grandma. Well, my mom is fairly open minded and pro lgbt rights but she still has a bias and would not be very happy about it. Again, I don't think you need to come out in order to explore your sexuality because let's be real it's not like you want your grandparents to be in the know about your sexual experiences anyway. So I think until u get into a serious relationship, there's no real need to tell anyone if you don't feel safe to do it.

Do your grandparents need to know????
Are they asking or pressuring you? If they seem to have very black & white thinking, why poke them with a stick? Some people just won’t change. I’m hoping they still love you all the same.
And October will b here before you know it!!

Go to meet-ups, hiking groups, book clubs, discussion groups, movie outings - meet more people!

When dealing with something as personal and important as your sexuality, it doesn't feel good to have to hold it in. But that doesn't mean that the alternative is having a coming out "moment." I'm on here primarily to vent/discuss/think about my 2D sexuality so I get the chance to be open about it to people who have experience or at just curious to talk about it, so I don't dump exposition all over the people I know who weren't expecting/asking for/interested in it. That doesn't mean I won't talk about it with them ever, it just means I would try to weave it into conversation.

My parents know that I'm 2D inclined, specifically with a fondness for Squidward. We don't talk about the sex, but I think if we did, I'd be surprised how much they already figured out on their own. You may be surprised to learn that others have been observing your discoveries from the outside, even if they don't have the whole picture.

Coming out usually sounds like an event, but it's an ongoing series of interactions. I would say "Show, don't tell." You are still you. I agree with Unaluna -- seek out new people to share with and learn from, maybe an LGBT+ organization. I wish you the best on your journey!

I don't think you should come out to your grandparents yet. It doesn't seem likely they will support you. Maybe they'll surprise you, but you said they're very conservative. Also, you wrote that you feel confused about your gender and orientation. It seems like you should get to a point of greater clarity before you come out to them.