Feel like I have to be a sexual fantasy...

I've never cared much about being in relationships but always felt that since I became "pretty" that I got noticed more by everyone and fitting in was slightly easier even with my social anxiety.

Cut to my late teens, I went to a mixed gender college (after an all-girls school) and for the first time started talking to boys, but as stated, didn't care about getting in a relationship.

People would always ask me what's going on between me and so and so (different boys), to which I would reply that I just talk to them (like I would to anyone) but I was quick to learn that when people are attracted to you, they will think if you're being nice you are possibly interested in them.

So even though I didn't do anything ( I was a virgin ) people basically had the idea I was chatting up boys.

As I started going out and getting drunk in clubs and boys would talk to me and I always felt like "is this leading them on, talking to them?"

Even though my libido is low, I had this weird feeling like... idk it is my duty? Like my looks are all that gets me through. So if they wanted to kiss, we would and if more... I would make myself even though I'm not turned on.

Even at my workplace I just feel my appearance is for some reason important, a really gross old businessman messaged me saying after we had a meeting he jacked off. I obviously banned him and felt so sick to my stomach.

I stopped going out drinking and will be at a new job, that I haven't yet started (so currently have no money) I don't really do much anymore and don't really have a friendship circle or anything and recently feel like I just need to meet someone... decent.

Since I don't go anywhere anymore, stupid me thought I'd try tinder. There was one guy that seemed nice, was actually talking with me without being pervy but then asked for my snapchat.

There I was again feeling like it was my duty, it ended up heading into the direction that I was trying to avoid until he.. finished.

I hate it so much, I always feel disgusted in myself. I don't even enjoy it so why do I care so much about not wanting to spoil a guy's excitement?

I feel like I can't even be in a relationship because I don't believe in love, I know people only like me for my looks, I don't trust people and my libido is just nearly dead because having sex obviously makes me feel miserable.

It's just like the idea that I can't have friends or a boyfriend, but at least people will whistle at me and tell me when they've jacked off.

I feel like I'm literally an object.

CluckyBear I can really relate to what you're saying. I'm stereotypically attractive with big boobs. Guys are always hitting on me. I don't want to have sex either, but it often ends up going farther than I want because I get to a point where I don't feel like I can stop. I often feel like I'm just a sex object to them. I don't have any advice, just wanted to let you know I understand what you're going through.

Are you on anti-depressants by any chance? Those can really kill your sex drive. I've been on them since before puberty so I don't know if it's the meds or if I really have no sex drive.

I decided to go against antidepressants, it's like an extended effort for me to explain to my family "what's wrong with me" when I don't know myself. I wouldn't want them to think general ideas of how they perceive mental illnesses.

I'm usually emotionally great, it's other people and some environments that make me feel bad and kill my drive.

It's reassuring for me that you feel this way too, I've never talked to anyone about it because of the way people present themselves to society always makes me think it's just me who's missing pieces.

What about therapy? I got the impression that you are using the sex thing as a way to deal with people even though it makes you miserable, that sounds, to me, like a prime issue for therapy. Sorry if I misunderstood.

Through the NHS I can talk to someone for free, but unfortunately it's a six month wait. Otherwise I can't really afford to see anyone 😣

Yeah, I understand that all too well. Maybe talking about it here can help you work out your feelings in the meantime?

Thanks, I usually just push my emotions down and then explode in psych central 😂

I feel like I can notice the simplest of things about someone and be able to tell what type of person they are, or how they feel.

Since I'm a mega magnet for creeps and old men, I can always instantly suss out when they are attracted to me. It's like dejavu; it happens to me all of the time, even though I'm not sending out any signals to anyone.

I get its human nature to find people attractive (we are all human after all) but it makes me feel a bit sick and tired. 😣

I seem to have victim proverbially stamped on my forehead. I've been doing a lot of work on my boundaries to try to improve that.

Years ago, I had two men trying to build some sick mess with me at the same time and I remember calling out in the middle of work, it was happening at work, one day how the thing that scared me most was men who were attracted to me.

Yeah, no matter where I go to work there will always be a couple of creeps. Seems like the workplace is just a breeding ground for them!

OMG this is how I feel I transitioned to become sort of this person. I had cosmetic surgeries all to improve my looks and acceptance while transitioning I became this blonde big boob stereotypical person that validated what I thought was what I wanted to be. Looking back now I hate who I have become how people especially men treat me and the role I've played the last 6 yrs

That's exactly right, it feels like a role for me too! I'm torn between wanting to be the best looking thing that people have seen (validation, maybe?) but not to be treat like an object.

Not sure about you, but I think maybe because of my emotional unavailability I think, well guess I can't be affectionate but at least I look good. 💁

In the US you could possibly have a claim against the employer where the old businessman sent you a text (if you saved it), which might help with your money issues. I do not know about the British law. I would think they would have some sort of recourse as well.

Your writing shows "low emotional libido" - you write of things that one would expect to cause an emotional reaction, such as, for example, your feeling that you are being used as an object, but the writing is very flat. Sexuality is just another drive, another aspect of emotional life. Maybe you need a fix - maybe a low dose antidepressant or a creative outlet, or something (not alcohol) that ignites you. If you do not treat sexuality as specific, but instead treat it as one type of a general problem with emotionality, it could kill more than one bird.