Abuse Led To Possible Obsession/Addiction (Trigger Warning)

At a young age of 12-13 years old, I was sexually molested by a trusted family member. He thought it was time for me to learn about sex. He made me watch porn with him before school. He made me do unmentionable things to myself as well as to him. The abuse started out as simple touching but then progressed to more sexual acts. Thankfully, he never got to the point of raping me.

When all the abuse was happening, he'd make me promise not to tell anyone in exchange for junk food/candy. Being taught to respect authority, I agreed. This abuse went on for weeks. Then one night he got caught with me performing a sexual act on him and he was made to leave the house.
The next day after school, I stayed in my room and cried. I kept thinking about what had happened to me and how it was my fault for letting him do what he did to me. My thoughts raced through my head...How could this have happened? Why did he do this to me? And then I started hating myself, my body, and hating the fact that I didn't stop this when I should have.

I've heard of all these stories of childhood sexual abuse, but never thought that I would one day be a victim of it as well. Everything that happened and what I was thinking was taking its toll on me. I began to become more introverted and kept to myself. I slowly stopped doing classwork/homework. I even started talking to my friends less and less. My life was crashing around me fast.

I'm now 24 and this trauma still affects me. It's because of the trauma that I've developed trust issues and social anxiety. But what really confuses me is that come nighttime I crave intense sex/sexual gratification. It's like my body needs it, like it's a part of its survival. I've bought myself toys in order to take some of the edge off, but it's like nothing works to ease my urges. I don't want to believe it's a full-fledged sex addiction, but on the otherhand I know that there is something wrong with the way I have these intense urges. This isn't normal, and I don't know what to do...

Hi, I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now... it is hard. Sexual abuse changes who you are... I was raped when I was 9 and molested many times before and after. It changed me. Most of those changes were to protect myself—and that worked great during childhood, but was a hindrance in adulthood…

Your thoughts after it happened are completely normal. I too had them! Only, I blamed me. He told me my mother was sick and I went with him to his apartment. How could I be so stupid? How could I let that happen to me??? Now, I know that as a child I had no responsibility in what happened to me. Neither did you. I too thought: How could this have happened? Why did he do this to me? It happened because a predator saw an innocent child and preyed on her. He did it because he is twisted and sick. NONE of it is your fault.

I understand developing trust and social anxiety issues. This is where therapy would come in handy. It did wonders for me.

I also understand the wanting sexual gratification. For me, I wanted skin. I wanted someone to touch me—who wasn’t angry at me.

Because you have closed off, and perhaps somewhat isolated yourself—you crave touch. Intimacy. And according to your childhood sex is intimacy… it isn’t really, but how could a child know that? And how could you without help for getting out of the walled-up fortress you’ve constructed to keep you safe. But in adulthood, it also keeps you lonely.

I strongly urge you to find a therapist to help you unravel how you are feeling. I hope you aren’t calling yourself bad names in your head. You aren’t bad, you just have an issue from childhood causing you grief today.

Most of all—be kind to you. Be your own best friend. My best wishes go to you.