never-ending disease of virginity

I just found out probably my best mate who I've known from school since we were 15 finally lost his virginity last year. He's my age. Thing is he's only ever had one gf and I had assumed given that they were living together for a while. But he didn't kiss a girl (this same girl) until like he was like 30! So he's hardly had any experience (I've been with far more women) but he's finally crossed the line. Still a little difficult hearing that but as I said I had kinda of assumed anyway.

I say this because as a Christian from an early age I believed it was important to wait for sex and despite having relationships, I did....and although I've obviously done some things I've still never had intercourse. I feel nothing but shame, frustration and disappointment over missing out on something that is so significant in life. I will never be able to change the past. It is not only deeply shameful but unhealthy to be a virgin at almost 35. It is a horrible position to be in. That's why I deeply regret not having done this when I had the opportunities earlier in life with previous gfs but I guess it never felt right at the time / women I was with weren't right for me etc. And also my mindset was different, I saw sex as something to be avoided because of my faith and beliefs. I know I should not beat myself up over this but I think the point is that I never imagined I'd still be waiting NOW!!
If I knew that I'd still be in the same position, I know I would not have waited.

So I would say since around the age of 30 I have been what's called an INCEL. I have only had one proper relationship in my 30s and that didn't last too long at all (a few months) but I have dated on and off since then. I can never seem to find a mutual attraction after years of online dating and searching.

It's not something I can click into existence and I can't bring myself to visit an escort i.e. someone I will never see again and to pay in order to lose something I have been holding onto my entire life!! That would be even more traumatic than what I'm going through at the moment. At this stage I will simply settle for a woman who I can have some sort of relationship with and take things from there. I even went as far as putting up an ad on personal ads/classfied etc. just for this purpose. No responses yet.

Growing up I always imagined I'd meet someone great and settle down, have a family etc. and that would be it, it would just happen naturally - a seemingly average life. And people see average in a negative light. I would do anything to settle for average if average meant the above! Because right now I am far from being average, I am so far below average that I am a failure compared to most men.

So, at almost 35 now, maybe marriage isn't sadly a reality. I will just settle for a full sexual relationship, even if it's a brief one.

I'm a 31 yr old coffin because I too waited. I had opportunities but didn't because I was waiting for marriage. I am utterly single and ashamed no man will want me bc I am inexperienced.

I don't think waiting is wrong or unhealthy. I waited until I was 27 and finally had sex with a total stranger. Why? I'm still not sure. I guess I wanted to try it. The thing is it wasn't good at all. If you have sex with the wrong person, you will regret it. In the mean time, there are things you can do by yourself to get an orgasm.

Being celibate can be unpleasant. There's a stigma around it. It makes sense that celibate feel sometimes feel lonely.

However, it appears that celibacy or being a virgin is unlikely to be harmful to the body. One indicator is that, on average, nuns outlive the general population. Also, extensive studies of hundreds of priests show priests are happier than the general population. You could argue that some nuns and priests break their vows, which is true. Still, if celibacy were really toxic, I would expect different results.

I saw one study from 2008 that showed delaying having sex for the first time could be bad for people. The funny thing is that many news outlets created stories around the study that said staying a virgin could affect how much you enjoy sex. It's a good idea to read the study yourself. The study says, "Early initiation of sexual intercourse was associated with various sexual risk factors, including increased numbers of sexual partners and recent sexual intercourse under the influence of alcohol, whereas late initiation was associated with fewer risk factors. However, both early and late initiation were associated with sexual problems such as problems with arousal and orgasm, primarily among men."

So having sex very early is associated with several risk factors including a greater number of partners for both sexes and arousal problems for men. Having sex late is only associated with the risk factor of arousal problems for men. It appears that delaying sex in women carries less risks.

Finally, "association" just means, scientists saw the 2 things together. So the scientists found that the same guys who were late virgins also had more arousal problems. But we don't know which event happened first. Did the guys discover that they didn't get aroused and then choose to delay having sex? Or did they delay having sex and discover they didn't get aroused?

Based on the evidence I see, I don't think being a late virgin is unhealthy.

The Study:https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2156059/
Nuns Less Vulnerable to Infections: University of Sheffield scientists find nuns have stronger immune systems | Daily Mail Online
Happy Priest Studies:https://www.amazon.com/Why-Priests-A.../dp/1594712743

There's more to involuntary abstinence/lack of a sex life/lack of intimate emotional relationships, than just stigma and social pressure.


On the one side, it's true, people shouldn't have sex or feel bad about not having sex due to these types external social pressure. It's especially true when it comes to pressure to lose it as early as possible and the impression that it's somehow "wrong" or "late" to be a virgin in your 20s or whatever.

However, aside from social pressure and stigma, there's a also the question of fulfilling the need most of us have, as human being, for that kind of intimacy(emotional and physical) that one can't quite get from platonic relationships or any other relationships.


Having sex is not about simple, physical, mechanical release of that sexual tension inside, it's not even really about the orgasm in terms of the physical pleasure it gives. Being sexual with another person is mostly about the intimacy of it, the shared aspect, the connection, the validation. Even a good one night stand is intimate and studies suggest that on a psychological level there's no such thing as casual sex, the brain is still searching for more even if it doesn't seem like it, whether with the person or generally speaking.


It's easy to dismiss someone's pain regarding a complete lack of shared sexual experience by thinking only of the social stigma thing. Human relationships, the deeper and more intimate the better, are at the core of our emotional, mental wellbeing.


There's several studies that suggest having a partner(a good one ofc) and good friends/social circle are directly linked to, generally speaking, better health, a longer lifespan, even better income and career success. Having a good sex life also seems to help improve work productivity and overall wellbeing.


In fact, some of the same studies found that a single person entering a fulfilling relationship increased their overall life satisfaction quite a bit more than a substantial pay raise.

All of this makes sense because we're social creatures and we've evolved to be at our most successful as organisms when we work together and support each other, in general and in raising offspring. So we're programmed for that and when that's not happening the brain is set to alert us and attempt to make us get back on the optimal path. Kinda' like when you feel hungry or thirsty or even when you feel pain, all sensations made to alert you you're supposed to do something you're not doing, that helps your survival.

If someone is not asexual and not making a very conscious decision to abstain, if they feel pain and acute loneliness, need for intimacy, it's not just social stigma and the compassionate answer shouldn't just focus on that because if someone is truly hurting and in need of that, it doesn't help to just say oh it's ok, it's just stupid social expectations that you don't have to conform to so it's fine if you never feel physically intimate with anyone.


Of course, as a disclaimer, having said that, no one is entitled to anything and if you're a terrible human(like those red pill, women hater dudes online) then that's most certainly the reason why. But that's a different story.

I'm 36 and the same.... I've given up hope. I'm too damn ugly for any guy and I hate being touched. So it sucks but just something I have to accept

Of course, physically speaking it is not unhealthy. To think so would be ridiculous actually. However, I think it can start to affect someone in my situation emotionally and psychologically which it certainly has done. I still go through phases where it bothers me more than other times and these are moments when I cannot sleep or function to some degree because the dread and that sense of panic overwhelms me. There aren't many things worse in this life than being an incel at my age. It is one of the worst human experiences anyone can go through and not something I wish on anyone.

I have had some great experiences in life like travelling the world etc. but I do believe that it would have been better not to be born because not finding love, experiencing sex and intimacy with another human is a tragic waste of a life.

I'm 34, I hate being alone too, Can't sleep at night mostly because of bad memory's also not having companionship makes me restless when I'm lying in bed.

Worst part is it's extremely difficult to compete at my age against guys who has experience with sex and relationships. Almost impossible for a guy with my history.

Best not to look at my history though, especially if your a girl. just leave it and me alone.

I hate sleeping during night. I wanna hug someone tightly and have to sleep.