Am i a pedophile or is it just POCD?

It started 2 years ago start with incestphobia . I didn't know what the word incest was before watching incest porn . Somehow i really liked it too . And started thinking
that i am an incest myself which is pretty ridicilious to think that if you ask me . I said nope to myself and left it behind . But what happened in the
next day made me go crazy . I was sitting on a couch and my mom was standing up . I wanted to get a hug (I hug my mom a lot because for some reason i feel
like i'm in heaven when i do it) and she gave one . It reasulted me faceplanting in to my moms breast and BOOM , i get a split second turn on and then gone
I disgusted myself , wanted to die , left in depression . It was so bad that i couldn't stop thinking sexual things about her . I wasn't wanting to have
those thoughts . And everytime i thought about it i said YOU'RE DISGUSTING , HOW COULD YOU , STOP IT . I've told this to my mom while crying . She said
that i am not a guy like that'll think like that and it's normal to have those intrusive thoughts . We got a professional help . I used anti-depressants .
My ego which was very big but not big enough to hurt people died . At the end i convinced myself that i got that split second turn on because i
faceplanted a womens breast . Started not hating myself for the intrusive thoughts (which i had before the faceplant but didn't care because i wasn't
attracted to my mother) and the reason why i liked incest porn was things slowly developing which is the same thing when you have a sex with a friend
which i find very hot (but watching incest porn always felt weird while watching) . Then POCD happened (or i think it is) so i was browsing the internet
and saw a video called every Kanna Kamui's OH . If you don't know who kanna is she is an anime character which is a child who has thick thighs and in thigh high socks .
I have a kink on thigh high socks so as long as i saw her first i thought was sexual things about her which didn't aroused me so i didn't care . On video comments everyone
was saying ravioli ravoli don't lewd the thicc dragon loli and on the replies there was an image link . I thought it was some kind of a meme and clicked it
It was a nude drawing of Kanna . I was in shock and stared blankly at the picture for 5 seconds thinking why would anyone do this . Then i realized i have a boner
with a little turn on . I questioned myself for good 2 months I didn't hate myself because i've experienced it before on incestphobia .
I had that same weird feeling at watching incest porn everytime i saw kanna somewhere aswell . So i knew that i was not a pedophile . My doctor said that i am not a pedophile .
His defense was i wouldn't feel ashamed if i was a real pedophile . After around 2 months later everything went extremely fine . I wasn't feeling the weird feeling when i see kanna
or while watching incest porn , my ego was on point . I was better than before . I've passed all the test he wanted me to do for me able to stop using medicine anymore .
And i wanted to do a test for myself aswell . When i came home . I was gonna look at that kanna's photo , fully watch incest porn and think sexual things about my mom to
ensure that i am completely clean . First i opened up the kanna's photo . Not gonna lie i was so scared that i am gonna get a boner or turn on . Which what happened .
I viewed kanna's photo and got a split second turn on then gone . After looking at that i didn't even needed to watch incest porn because i've had weird even from the title .
My ego is ruined again , i want to die again and i am disgusted by myself again . I can't even think of having sex with children . WHY DID I EVEN GOT A SPLIT SECOND TURN ON
My only defence is that i was either scared or suprised on every turn on i've had .
Please don't tell me i'm a pedophilehttps://forums.psychcentral.com/ocd-trichotillomania/518911-am-i-pedophile-just-pocd.html

Hello Dokkaebi: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you are having all of this difficulty. I cannot tell you what this is all about. From my perspective, I think it's really something you need to delve into, at-length & in-depth, with the help of a psychologist or mental health therapist who has experience working with people who have these kinds of issues. I'm not a mental health professional. And anything I might offer would be simply an uneducated guess & probably not worth the time it would take to read it. Plus, since it would likely be wrong, it could potentially do you more harm than good.

The one thing I guess I do feel comfortable saying is that I've read quite a few posts, here on PC, written by members who were experiencing serious mental health issues (to say nothing of relationship issues) as a result of viewing all kinds of internet porn. As a result, my personal opinion is that this stuff is toxic, especially if a person has underlying mental health issues to begin with. It's basically like throwing gasoline on smoldering embers! (I'm an old man now myself. So there was no such thing as internet porn when I was young. That is one thing I'm grateful for.) So, at least in my opinion, in addition to getting yourself involved in some long-term therapy, the other thing I would strongly recommend is to stop with the porn! All it's going to do is to cause you more-&-more misery the longer you continue to watch it.

Perhaps you've already been there but just in case you haven't there is a forum, here on PC, dedicated to OCD. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/ocd-trichotillomania/

And then here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of OCD incuding an OCD quiz you can take:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-oc...ely-uncertain/

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/o...isorder/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/living...sive-disorder/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/avoidan...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/ocd-quiz/

My best wishes to you...