Questioning life/ my sexual identity

Hi, I'm 25 and not exactly sure how to begin this. Up until about a year ago, I never questioned my sexuality, felt reasonably confident in that I was straight and sexually attracted to men. I had had one year long relationship in which I never questioned myself, and six other sexual partners of varying lengths of time. Last June, I met a guy who would soon become my second long(Ish) term relationship, but whom I believe may have somehow had something to do with my beginning to question myself. He has several more feminine qualities, and about a month after starting to hang out with him regularly I began to start feeling an attraction (literally FEELING it down there) towards a coworker whom I hadn't felt anything for beforehand. I didn't find her physically attractive at all, and I was still happy and not concerned about my sex life with my guy at this point so I initially ignored it. We met as I was in the state for a seasonal gig and probably less than a month after we met, he was asking me to move across the country with me. At first I was standing at a strong 'no', but by the time October rolled around I had convinced myself that the move may be a good thing. I think I'm also a low key commitment-phobe, so this was slightly terrifying for me. After the season ended, I had more random attractions to women. A friend I met up with in Europe in Nov., random people in Europe, I feel like the more I worried about what was happening to me the more it happened. Fast forward to moving in together, I felt like I had no control over what my vagina was feeling (constant state of anxiety/arousal?) every time I went to work, out walking around, etc. which I attempted to ignore until about May when I crashed into a state of depression. There was a point where I didn't want to go out shopping in fear that I'd start being sexually aroused for something that I don't feel I actually want. I was afraid to participate in a Bachelorette party because I was afraid of being sexually aroused by my friends. The lowest point was going home for a visit and being afraid that I'd feel something when I saw my mom. My sexual desire for my boyfriend had all but faded away before we even moved in together, i think partly because of the massive amount of stress this overthinking of my sexuality has put on my brain, on the rest of my anatomy, and because I knew I was hiding these thoughts from him but I didn't know how I could tell him. I love him very much, but I've moved back to the east coast. I can't stop analyzing people's voices, mannerisms, and anything else about a person to determine what I'm attracted to and even what they're attracted to. I just want to be able to hang out with my friends again, or even make new friends, without fear of this nagging(sometimes painful) feeling of attraction always being there! I just want to be happy again, and feel confident in whoever I am. Please, any advice is welcomed, I'm not sure if anyone else has ever been in a situation like this.

Hey!

First of all, I'm no expert but it is my understanding, from all I've read over the years and studies conducted, that not only is sexuality a spectrum(that's been clear for a while) but most people aren't 100% heterosexual or 100% gay(that doesn't mean someone who may be 80% hetero leaning isn't still hetero and vice-versa, it just means the capacity to be attracted to more than one gender is there to a larger or smaller, even if tiny, extent in most if not all of us). So, for me, one thing that helps is trying to stop thinking in absolutes.

To me it sounds like you could be bisexual but also that your mind might be exaggerating the extent of your attraction to women due to the anxiety and stress it produces. Maybe you're bisexual with a preference towards men.

Either way, it's ok, there's nothing wrong with liking more than one gender or basically with liking same gender people. It's also ok to feel attraction towards people of the same gender who might not be queer or available or people you just want to be friends with. Finding someone attractive isn't an ugly, bad, disrespectful thing as long as you don't treat or think of them as solely that, sexual objects(which you don't) or make unwanted advances or something of that kind. Oh and being bi or gay doesn't mean you'll be attracted to everyone you meet either.


I think you're just freaking out about it and it puts you in a volatile state where you're easily triggered. Maybe you could talk to a therapist or a friend who isn't straight(if you have one) and just try to more calmly think about it, without overthinking.

There's no right or wrong way to be gay, bi, pan or even straight and labels are just that, a label, so you don't even have to use those if you don't want to or aren't sure.

Oh and because heterosexuality is basically the only sexual orientation the social and educational environment and culture "helps" people get the hang of, plenty of people discover later in life that they aren't as straight as they thought or at all.

I too came into bisexuality later on, in the past 2-3 years, because I just happened to have feelings for people who were men. It was sort of random and sudden that I realised I have attraction for women too and since them, the more time passes and I "grow" into it, the more aware I am of it because my mind is open to that now. The difference is I have no issue with it, in fact I think being bisexual is a great thing, it's limitless in a sense(well for me it's all limited by what seems to be a complete lack of anything attractive about my own person). The only issue is with discrimination and social stigma but I've been gender non conforming my entire life so I'm used to that as well.

Maybe you could try to go on a date with a woman, kiss a woman, see how that makes you feel, it might clarify things. Hey, if you really are bisexual or more, it might open up a whole new world of love and pleasure since apparently women in same sex relationships have the best sex on average.

Hello Seagull: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I don't know as there is a lot I can offer you here in the way of advice. I'm an old man now... but one who has waged a life-long struggle with gender identity dysphoria. (It's a long story. I'll spare you the details.) And, based on my own personal experience, what I would say is that issues related to sexual orientation (as well as gender identity) can be extremely confusing. Concerns such as you have can be like jumping down the proverbial rabbit hole. And the more you ruminate over these sorts of things, the more difficult it can get... sort-of a vicious circle, so to speak.

So personally I think the answer here may be to find a therapist you feel good about, with whom you can delve into what all of this means to you. Continuing to allow all of this to rattle around in your thoughts is, to my mind, a prescription for ongoing confusion & unhappiness. You may have to try a few therapists before you find one you have confidence in. (Not every therapist works well with every client.) But if you can find the right one for you I think this might be the surest way to put all of this to rest.

One other option that may be of some help would be to start a journaling practice. Here are links to 3 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of journaling for better mental health:

The Power of Journaling | The Recovery Expert

The Health Benefits of Journaling

Journaling to Help Reduce Stress and Anxiety | Happily Imperfect

I wish you well...

My lips are my sexual identity.