I had a bad hookup that I can't forget about, 2 years later.

For context, I'm a 21 y.o. gay male who attends a liberal university in D.C. Also for context within the story, the university houses many Jews and immigrants. I, myself, am Jewish as well, which plays into the story below.

About 2 years ago, I was a freshman at the university, and I was more promiscuous back then. I had seen someone on Grindr, a common social media app in the gay community, a few blocks away at an apartment complex who had messaged me. I had gone to meet up with him, but when he took off his shirt, something caught my attention. He had many tattoos, something that I'm don't know too much about. Many of them seemed relatively normal, but there was one tattoo in particular that I was kinda stunned at and remember to this day - a small (about 2 in. by 2 in.) tattoo in the shape of a double fire bolt on the left side of his chest, next to other tattoos as well. It wasn't large by any means, but was noticeable. To me, it resembled the "SS" tattoos worn by the Nazis, but I believe those were commonly worn on the arm. When I asked him about it, he told me it was "tribal". I took his word for it, thinking that there might have been an alternate meaning that I just didn't know about, or something else altogether- as how could someone gay himself be a neo Nazi? It's a heavy accusation to call someone you just met a Nazi, so I didn't take that path. I felt awkward, but I proceeded to have sex with him. I regret acting in this way to this day, just because of the potential that it was how I thought it was. I haven't been able to stop thinking about this since then, but recently, it has consumed my thoughts 24/7. I never met up with him again after that and had rather blocked him, but he tried to message me once more a few weeks later. Again, that was 2 years ago. Recently, I had tried to look him up again, to get closer of sorts, but he had moved away and I don't know any of his contact information, leaving me victim to my own thoughts on the matter.

To make matters more complicated, I was under the influence of Sonata (Zaleplon) during my interaction, which at the time, I had gained some tolerance to. I'm not even sure that I remember the event correctly, because it was so long ago and because I was on the medication, but it has been causing me great distress over the last week (not before, however, for whatever reason). I just don't see how it would be possible for a gay man to have such a tattoo, as it's contradicting in itself.

How can I learn to forgive myself from doing such a thing - as I feel such overwhelming guilt, what I would believe are almost constant intrusive thoughts. I feel as if I let both myself down and the culture that I come from.
Thanks for reading and any advice you may have for me.

He could be a white surpremesist. It would be a conflict as he is gay, but people can still believe anything they want.

You say the tattoo "resembled" and was on his chest. This means that you dont know for a fact the symbol was what you interpreted it as. He very well may have not seen the connection. I know there are many symbols related to gangs and beliefs and such that I am unaware of.

Accept that you dont know and give yourself permission to move on. Seeing a therapist may also be a good idea.

I guess that could be the reality of the situation. What I remember was my interpretation, as long ago as it was. I keep picturing the situation in the form of an intrusive thought, a lot like OCD- it's the first thing I think about when I wake up, and the last thing before I rest in the evening. I may take your advice to see a professional, because I feel that it's eating me up inside. Thanks for your response.

It's nice.