Understanding about Childhood/Adult Sexual Feelings

spaced_out_mike · 10:11 PM

Hi folks,

I've been struggling to move past some feelings from childhood and adolescence. Over the last three years I've been going therapy to address those and some other issues, but I've only ever discussed these problems with 3 people, and I'd like to get perspective from a wider, educated audience.

I had a high amount of sexual curiosity from a young age (5ish), but was made to feel like these types of feelings and thoughts were taboo: they seemed to make the adults I talked with uncomfortable (they would often push off conversations) and I ended up feeling these were bad subjects.

Possible trigger:

Anyhow, I had an abundance of this curiosity, and feeling I would get in trouble with people my age or older, I turned to my young cousin (6-7 year age difference) to explore this. I would ask questions about her vagina, and would want to see it. Very exploratory in nature, and not predatory at all (at least, with how I felt about it). I'd also asked other girls (similar age) to play doctor and things like that. Anyhow, at a later point (I was about 11 or 12) I had been babysitting this cousin and had been asking questions about her body again, and I guess I was a bit too persistent and made her feel uncomfortable. She told her dad, and he got upset with me about a week later. He didn't shout or anything, but I could tell he was pretty mad.

After that, I felt like garbage about myself anytime I felt this sexual curiosity/excitement around younger girls. I felt that I was sick and disgusting. About the same time, I also found porn, which I'm sure further messed with my perception. However, I still felt this curiosity, and still acted upon it with younger girls in my life. I would get them to show me things in roundabout ways (without pressuring them though), and once even licked a girl's pants at the crotch. I also masturbated to thoughts of sexual acts with these girls. Every time I would do something like this, I would feel immediately shameful afterwards, and this shame would feel worse every time. I stopped doing anything like this about the age of 17, and I definitely don't have any kind of sexual attraction to young girls. I know all of these girls still, and am certain that any of these actions caused no impact in their lives.

Another area that has troubled me is fantasies about family members and an attraction to incest porn. I know for a fact that I don't hold an attraction to any family members, but I feel sick with the idea that these types of thoughts/videos get me off. The family fantasies used to happen often, and are now few and far in-between. Maybe they could be related to sexual feelings I had when I was younger; potentially something about security or safety or something like that.

I have wanted to understand what caused these thoughts/feelings/actions and know if they were very abnormal/wrong for a long time. The problem is that I feel that this is a very emotional subject that prompts many people (at least in North American culture) to have knee-jerk reactions and instantly shame a person, hence why I haven't really talked much about it before. I've told my girlfriend and she's been very supportive and understanding. I'm sure they have had profound impacts on my mental/emotional/sexual health (I struggle with anxiety and depression regularly). I hope I can have some open dialog with people in this forum and find some resolution in my mind

Mike

Whalen84 · Aug 15, 2018 at 07:59 AM

Hi I'm in NA too. Could you be more specific? It might help you get some feedback. It's kinda hard to understand exactly what you mean. Do you just mean you don't understand why you were aware of your sexuality ( like in general) at such a young age? Or something more specific?

amandalouise · Aug 15, 2018 at 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by spaced_out_mike

Hi folks,

I've been struggling to move past some feelings from childhood and adolescence. Over the last three years I've been going therapy to address those and some other issues, but I've only ever discussed these problems with 3 people, and I'd like to get perspective from a wider, educated audience.

I had a high amount of sexual curiosity from a young age (5ish), but was made to feel like these types of feelings and thoughts were taboo: they seemed to make the adults I talked with uncomfortable (they would often push off conversations) and I ended up feeling these were bad subjects.

Possible trigger:

Anyhow, I had an abundance of this curiosity, and feeling I would get in trouble with people my age or older, I turned to my young cousin (6-7 year age difference) to explore this. I would ask questions about her vagina, and would want to see it. Very exploratory in nature, and not predatory at all (at least, with how I felt about it). I'd also asked other girls (similar age) to play doctor and things like that. Anyhow, at a later point (I was about 11 or 12) I had been babysitting this cousin and had been asking questions about her body again, and I guess I was a bit too persistent and made her feel uncomfortable. She told her dad, and he got upset with me about a week later. He didn't shout or anything, but I could tell he was pretty mad.

After that, I felt like garbage about myself anytime I felt this sexual curiosity/excitement around younger girls. I felt that I was sick and disgusting. About the same time, I also found porn, which I'm sure further messed with my perception. However, I still felt this curiosity, and still acted upon it with younger girls in my life. I would get them to show me things in roundabout ways (without pressuring them though), and once even licked a girl's pants at the crotch. I also masturbated to thoughts of sexual acts with these girls. Every time I would do something like this, I would feel immediately shameful afterwards, and this shame would feel worse every time. I stopped doing anything like this about the age of 17, and I definitely don't have any kind of sexual attraction to young girls. I know all of these girls still, and am certain that any of these actions caused no impact in their lives.

Another area that has troubled me is fantasies about family members and an attraction to incest porn. I know for a fact that I don't hold an attraction to any family members, but I feel sick with the idea that these types of thoughts/videos get me off. The family fantasies used to happen often, and are now few and far in-between. Maybe they could be related to sexual feelings I had when I was younger; potentially something about security or safety or something like that.

I have wanted to understand what caused these thoughts/feelings/actions and know if they were very abnormal/wrong for a long time. The problem is that I feel that this is a very emotional subject that prompts many people (at least in North American culture) to have knee-jerk reactions and instantly shame a person, hence why I haven't really talked much about it before. I've told my girlfriend and she's been very supportive and understanding. I'm sure they have had profound impacts on my mental/emotional/sexual health (I struggle with anxiety and depression regularly). I hope I can have some open dialog with people in this forum and find some resolution in my mind

Mike

Im sorry but we cant tell you anything that would help you to understand the hows and why's you are / were the way you are/ were on this subject. only you ahnd your own medical doctors, or therapists, psychiatrists can do that with you.

what we can do is tell you whether we have had the same problems and what we did about them that helped ourselves.....

I had childhood abuse happen to me. so as a young adult I did question my interest in things. my own doctors pointed me to things like books on the human body and brain, college biology classes, psychology books and classes. these things helped me to understand how and why the human body and brain functions the way it does.I also talked with my mental health therapists on these issues in relation to my childhood/ past/ my thoughts and behaviors. this gave me understanding on how and why I was the way I was and what to do to help myself through these things.

my suggestion is contact your treatment providers. they will be able to help you to understand how and why your thoughts and behaviors on this subject are/ were the way they are/ were.

another suggestion check with area colleges on biology classes and psych classes that may help you to understand how and why the body and brain works.

another suggestion visit your local library, they may have some documentaries and other informative books that can help you to understand the human sexuality and how it applies to you and your childhood.

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Understanding about Childhood/Adult Sexual Feelings

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Whalen84 Member Member Since Jul 2018 Location: Connecticut Posts: 47 5 24 hugs given	Aug 15, 2018 at 07:59 AM #2 Hi I'm in NA too. Could you be more specific? It might help you get some feedback. It's kinda hard to understand exactly what you mean. Do you just mean you don't understand why you were aware of your sexuality ( like in general) at such a young age? Or something more specific?
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