internalized homophobia - Page 3 - Forums at Psych Central


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Old 03-20-2019, 03:58 PM #21
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Default Re: internalized homophobia

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There is a non-binary/transgender group where I live, but when I attended in the past, I didn't feel trans+ enough. Everyone in non-binary category past as androgynous. I have a very effeminate face and a large chest so even with short hair and neutral/more masculine clothes I don't think I even pass as queer let alone masculine. I also don't fit in because I'm not planning on medically transitioning any time soon and maybe never and I shouldn't have to in order to at least have people close to me see me for who I am, but maybe I do. So, I'm basically a fraud and certainly don't belong in a trans+ group.
I attended a queer event in which there were trans boys in attendance who, in no way, passed as biologically male. They even wore dresses! So believe me when I tell you that, if you idnetify as trans/non-binary, there is no single way to present. Almost any queer scholar worth their queer theory will tell you the same thing. If you are still questioning, then be encouraged in this. And there are many trans people who choose not to physically transition or who just partially transition. That is fine too.
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As for attraction, I'm pretty attracted to androgyny regardless of body parts. With women, I'm much more likely to be attracted to physical aspects before even getting to know them that well and with men, the only time pure physical attraction happens is when the guy looks like I would like if I were a guy or I'd simply like to be that guy. Otherwise, I develop feelings for men when they do something nice for me and/or interact with me. Then I usually try to imagine sex with them or do something to make the attraction more sexual. I apparently have a pretty high sex drive even though I try to ignore it so I can get through my days without too much distraction, so if men are the only option to take care of it then I have to make it work. I think I did become sexually attracted to my last male partner, but I don't think I could usually get as aroused as I could with porn, but I thought that was normal.
ETA: I'm also not really interested in foreplay, especially with a man. I mean, I'll give (no problem with that) but I don't want to receive. Don't see a point. I much rather sex just be intercourse and call it good so no one's wasting any time. I should be any guy's dream! They can exert exactly zero effort instead of "trying" to do something for me. I might be more open to receiving with a woman simply because it hasn't been ruined for me yet, but then again, I still fail to see the point. No matter what anyone does, I'm never going to orgasm and I see no point if it's impossible. I'll just go watch porn and take care of it myself and not become frustrated and resentful towards the other person.
You may be bisexual, but it definitely sounds as if you lean much farther toward women. It also sounds as if something is keeping you from exploring that more. I really encourage you to take chances to explore that. But, as I am not bi or into women at all, I can't really suggest what might work for you. You need to talk to some lesbians or bi women. This might be something you can bring up at a meetup. I can totally see, "I'd like to talk about sex a bit, if we may" being a great conversation starter for a small group. Just find any lesbian social group, even something like a book club. The point isn't to get laid or find a date, but to simply interact with other women-interested-in-women. They are your greatest resource.

I am curious about why it would be impossible for you to orgasm with another woman if you haven't tried, unless you have a medical condition or medication-related sexual dysfunction. Again, a woman knows another woman's body better than any man will. I would revisit the online hookup thing. One can create a profile that does not provide definitive identifiers, if you are concerned about work. People in all industries do it all the time. Some sites don't even require an actual profile, other than setting up an account with a username. You can leave all the other stuff blank.
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Old 03-20-2019, 04:56 PM #22
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Default Re: internalized homophobia

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I attended a queer event in which there were trans boys in attendance who, in no way, passed as biologically male. They even wore dresses! So believe me when I tell you that, if you idnetify as trans/non-binary, there is no single way to present. Almost any queer scholar worth their queer theory will tell you the same thing. If you are still questioning, then be encouraged in this. And there are many trans people who choose not to physically transition or who just partially transition. That is fine too.You may be bisexual, but it definitely sounds as if you lean much farther toward women. It also sounds as if something is keeping you from exploring that more. I really encourage you to take chances to explore that. But, as I am not bi or into women at all, I can't really suggest what might work for you. You need to talk to some lesbians or bi women. This might be something you can bring up at a meetup. I can totally see, "I'd like to talk about sex a bit, if we may" being a great conversation starter for a small group. Just find any lesbian social group, even something like a book club. The point isn't to get laid or find a date, but to simply interact with other women-interested-in-women. They are your greatest resource.

I am curious about why it would be impossible for you to orgasm with another woman if you haven't tried, unless you have a medical condition or medication-related sexual dysfunction. Again, a woman knows another woman's body better than any man will. I would revisit the online hookup thing. One can create a profile that does not provide definitive identifiers, if you are concerned about work. People in all industries do it all the time. Some sites don't even require an actual profile, other than setting up an account with a username. You can leave all the other stuff blank.

I never felt comfortable or accepted in the trans+ group and even online no talks about anything other than T and top surgery so obviously I would be a freak and a pariah. So it's just not a thing I will acknowledge much outside of therapy.

And doesn't one need to feel safe and comfortable to have any chance of orgasm? With a stranger, I would absolutely not discuss what I like nor would I be able to have sex sober. I would be too nervous and would not feel remotely safe or comfortable. This is why I don't do hook-ups, period. It'll just solidify that I hate sex. I do NOT want a person I don't know very well touching me.

And I have tried to hook-up with girls in the past...it didn't work out. Also doesn't help that the ones worth dating are all straight or in relationships. Asking about sex in that manner in an LGBT group will have me kicked out. I can't ask about how to find a date because they have no issue with it and will proceed to make me feel bad about being the loser I am. Even when I used online dating with a picture even I didn't get any hits. Men are just the only option unfortunately so I need to just find one I can maybe trust enough to attempt having sex with someday. If you haven't seen it, I did make another thread about starting to get feelings for a guy and I'm not sure what to do about it. I do know to absolutely not make the first move with a guy because that just makes them mad/upset so I'm too afraid to even add him on Facebook or anything.
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Old 03-21-2019, 10:01 AM #23
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Default Re: internalized homophobia

I also can't imagine having an orgasm with anyone. I think I used to before I had experience. I'm not sure what being female has to do with knowing the female body better unless she has a ton of experience. I'm female and I wouldn't know what to do. I know what to do with a male body. I wouldn't be willing to share what I like in the future because I've been shamed enough as it is. They can do whatever they want and hopefully, I'll adjust to it.
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Old 03-21-2019, 04:38 PM #24
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Default Re: internalized homophobia

Because you are a biological female, you know what feels good, what parts of the body respond in certain ways to specific stimulations. How you accomplish the stimulation is up to the people involved. All in all, I am hearing a lot of anti-sex sentiment from you, and it is probably better for you to not even try to pursue sexual relations with anyone until you work through some of that, otherwise, sex might just become more and more a negative thing. I mean, why bother even obsessing about sex if your experiences just paint it in a bad light, you don't believe you will ever orgasm with someone else, etc. It just doesn't seem worth it. If you can feel sexually satisfied with masturbation, then just stick to that. You might even be on the asexual spectrum and not really realize it and what you need is simply positive interpersonal relationships and not sexual ones. Perhaps a sexologist might be helpful, if regular therapy isn't.
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Old 03-21-2019, 04:58 PM #25
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Default Re: internalized homophobia

I think I was asexual in my youth,I was never aroused sexually,I was interested romantically in men and found both men and women's bodies attractive but I didn't want to have sex with any of them,I subsequently now I am in my 50's found out that is known as asexual.Though that has changed now<i am interested in sex with either men or women but I have spent my life avoiding sex so don't know how to get started in a sexual relationship,I do get turned on and aroused sexually now though but I am scare I won't be safe emotionally and I don't want to catch an STD,so am abstaining and being cautious and reluctant.I am thinking of planning for safe sex with someone I have gotten to know well and become friends with first,there is still time.But yeah I was largely ignorant when young just how complicated and varied sexual experience and orientations can be.I just thought I was repressed and didn't know there was such a thing as asexual.I also was confused cos I didn't know I was bisexual either.
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Old 03-21-2019, 10:19 PM #26
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Default Re: internalized homophobia

I'm not asexual. If anything, I'm aroused too often and/or too much. If anything, I've often felt like a younger inexperienced guy in a female body. I mean, for example, I worked with the circus recently when it came into town and you know how female circus performers wear tight skimpy clothing? I was distracted from my job because I was looking at her and often becoming painfully aroused. So I don't think that qualifies me as asexual...

If you want to argue that I'm just gay then maybe, but there are some things I could see myself doing with a guy...but most of them involve roleplaying as also being a guy so there's a limited amount of partners into that.

Also, I do not feel sexually satisfied with masturbation. Not at all. I only do it because I'll get so aroused that that's the only way I'll be able to concentrate on anything else sometimes. And I don't think I can orgasm with someone else BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER ORGASMED WITH SOMEONE ELSE. I tried for years...wouldn't it have just happened by accident at some point? My body responses are weird and difficult to achieve results with another person. I tried changing my responses but it has been difficult. So I don't even know how to touch myself under most circumstances. So how would I know how to touch someone else? Their responses are going to be different than mine.
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Old 03-23-2019, 03:14 PM #27
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Default Re: internalized homophobia

The more I get from you, the more I am inclined to recommend someone who deals with sexology as well as mental health. They would know best how to help you, as I am pretty much at a loss since my experiences differ greatly from yours and I have no point of reference to use.
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Old 03-23-2019, 03:15 PM #28
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Sorry I couldn't offer more
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Old 03-23-2019, 10:03 PM #29
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I don't know what you mean. A sex therapist? The only ones in the area are an hour away and they can't provide anything more than a regular therapist. And I wouldn't feel safe discussing sexual thoughts/desires with them either. I have never felt safe nor would I ever feel safe. It's just something I'll have to always live with. If only I could find someone safe enough to get some of my needs met...even to roleplay, I don't know so the obsessive bad thoughts can go away or at least lessen.
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