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Crook32
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Default Feb 27, 2019 at 04:03 PM
  #1
So I am a lesbian and have been with my wife for almost 20 years. We have two sons 10 and 8. I don’t know if I am having a midlife crisis but I have been wanting to have sex with men. This has been going on for months. I haven’t actually done anything just constantly thinking about it. I have only slept with one man in my life but that was when I was 18. I just keep feeling like I am missing out on something. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to cheat on my wife.

Last edited by Crook32; Feb 27, 2019 at 05:24 PM.. Reason: Replaced gay with lesbian
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Smile Feb 27, 2019 at 04:17 PM
  #2
Well... at the risk of suggesting the obvious... I'd say this is something you really need to talk through with a therapist, preferably one who is experienced in working with people who have sexual orientation issues. I'm not gay. But I have had a life-long struggle with my gender identity. (I'll spare you the details.) I also have not had a lot of experience with seeing therapists. But I did see one in particular, for a short time, with whom I had the opportunity to talk about my GID issues. And I have to say it was such a relief! Sadly I didn't stick with her. I got PO'd about something else entirely & quit in a huff. But I really think that just talking through these sorts of concerns can be a great relief.

The thing is, if your sexual orientation concerns are anything like my GID concerns, they ain't goin' anywhere. And just trying to keep it all bottled up inside year-after-year can be a tough way to live as well as perhaps a losing battle. My best wishes to you...

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Default Feb 27, 2019 at 04:22 PM
  #3
Hi crook32
I know how it feels yo find yourself with a middle age itch you cant scratch.
I would talk to your wife about how you feel first off. Before thinking of jumping into the water. And then go from there

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Last edited by daggy; Feb 27, 2019 at 07:10 PM..
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Default Feb 27, 2019 at 04:26 PM
  #4
I'm not sure what good a therapist will do. It's a pretty big secret to be keeping from a spouse. Would she have married you if she knew you were gay?

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Default Feb 27, 2019 at 06:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Crook32 View Post
So I am a lesbian and have been with my wife for almost 20 years. We have two sons 10 and 8. I don’t know if I am having a midlife crisis but I have been wanting to have sex with men. This has been going on for months. I haven’t actually done anything just constantly thinking about it. I have only slept with one man in my life but that was when I was 18. I just keep feeling like I am missing out on something. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to cheat on my wife.
What are you actually desiring? Is it solely the physical experience of being with a man that you desire? Or, are you desiring a masculine presence in your life on other levels as well, such as connecting with a man on an emotional level?

Are you happy with your marriage as it is? Do you feel that something is missing in your marriage? Or, are you happy with your marriage, but feel the urge to explore and experience another aspect of your sexuality?

Ideally, what do you imagine happening with a man if you could make this come true? A few examples would be a one-night stand, a friend with occasional benefits, a full relationship, etc.

If you are determined to go through with this, then answering these questions is important, since you should talk with your wife before deciding anything. The difference between a friend with benefits and a full-fledged relationship with a man could make a big difference regarding your marriage, especially as to what your wife may be willing to go along with.

One last question: Are you willing to just leave this as a fantasy without going thru with it? How important is this to you? I have a few of my own desires that pull at me too, but acting on them would likely damage what is most valuable to me. So, it is not worth it to me. Please talk with your wife before deciding on anything. The reaction of your wife may change your mind quite abruptly, or maybe she will lovingly workout some kind of compromise, where you are able to explore this on some level with her blessings (and without causing any damage to your relationship with her).
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Default Feb 27, 2019 at 07:38 PM
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What are you actually desiring? Is it solely the physical experience of being with a man that you desire? Or, are you desiring a masculine presence in your life on other levels as well, such as connecting with a man on an emotional level?


Are you happy with your marriage as it is? Do you feel that something is missing in your marriage? Or, are you happy with your marriage, but feel the urge to explore and experience another aspect of your sexuality?


Ideally, what do you imagine happening with a man if you could make this come true? A few examples would be a one-night stand, a friend with occasional benefits, a full relationship, etc.


If you are determined to go through with this, then answering these questions is important, since you should talk with your wife before deciding anything. The difference between a friend with benefits and a full-fledged relationship with a man could make a big difference regarding your marriage, especially as to what your wife may be willing to go along with.


One last question: Are you willing to just leave this as a fantasy without going thru with it? How important is this to you? I have a few of my own desires that pull at me too, but acting on them would likely damage what is most valuable to me. So, it is not worth it to me. Please talk with your wife before deciding on anything. The reaction of your wife may change your mind quite abruptly, or maybe she will lovingly workout some kind of compromise, where you are able to explore this on some level with her blessings (and without causing any damage to your relationship with her).


Right now just thinking of the physical aspect. Not looking for a relationship. Not too happy in my marriage right now. I just opened up to my therapist today about this. I feel a lot of shame. I doubt I could find a man to sleep with me so it will probably just remain a fantasy.
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Default Feb 27, 2019 at 08:49 PM
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Right now just thinking of the physical aspect. Not looking for a relationship. Not too happy in my marriage right now. I just opened up to my therapist today about this. I feel a lot of shame. I doubt I could find a man to sleep with me so it will probably just remain a fantasy.
What are you feeling shame about? You don't have to answer if it is too uncomfortable.
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Default Feb 28, 2019 at 12:13 AM
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What are you feeling shame about? You don't have to answer if it is too uncomfortable.


I guess I just feel shame around sex in general. Damn Catholic school upbringing. Plus I am a perfectionist and this has knocked things out of balance.
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Default Feb 28, 2019 at 05:17 AM
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I guess I just feel shame around sex in general. Damn Catholic school upbringing. Plus I am a perfectionist and this has knocked things out of balance.
This may not be about men at all. It could be about an unfulfilled emotional need that you unconsciously associate with masculinity or masculine attributes, which could be experienced with a woman as well. The physical desire you feel may just be a mechanism for getting your attention to this matter. Anyway, something to think about.

Last edited by Anonymous55989; Feb 28, 2019 at 05:33 AM..
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Default Mar 05, 2019 at 01:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Well... at the risk of suggesting the obvious... I'd say this is something you really need to talk through with a therapist, preferably one who is experienced in working with people who have sexual orientation issues. I'm not gay. But I have had a life-long struggle with my gender identity. (I'll spare you the details.) I also have not had a lot of experience with seeing therapists. But I did see one in particular, for a short time, with whom I had the opportunity to talk about my GID issues. And I have to say it was such a relief! Sadly I didn't stick with her. I got PO'd about something else entirely & quit in a huff. But I really think that just talking through these sorts of concerns can be a great relief.

The thing is, if your sexual orientation concerns are anything like my GID concerns, they ain't goin' anywhere. And just trying to keep it all bottled up inside year-after-year can be a tough way to live as well as perhaps a losing battle. My best wishes to you...
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Default Mar 05, 2019 at 02:04 PM
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Hi Crook32. You have my empathy. I too was raised by strict Catholics and their strange views on sexuality. I spent my adult years actively reversing most of what I was "taught" with regard to sexuality. And I'm a heterosexual person! It must have been very difficult to be a lesbian who was raised like that since the Catholic Church still bizarrely labels homosexuality a sin etc.

I think your idea about speaking with a therapist is wise. My question is do you feel shame at all because of how your therapist responded when you raised the issue or just because of your background? If any shame was triggered by the therapist's actual response or approach, you need a different therapist! Someone open and experienced in discussing sexual matters as I think Skeezyks already suggested.

Please know that I am not judging you and one way or another I hope you find peace. Take good care of yourself.
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