Questioning - Forums at Psych Central


Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-27-2019, 03:03 PM #1
Crook32 Crook32 is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,297
Crook32 Crook32 is offline
Poohbah
Crook32 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,297

5 yr Member
1 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Questioning

So I am a lesbian and have been with my wife for almost 20 years. We have two sons 10 and 8. I donít know if I am having a midlife crisis but I have been wanting to have sex with men. This has been going on for months. I havenít actually done anything just constantly thinking about it. I have only slept with one man in my life but that was when I was 18. I just keep feeling like I am missing out on something. I just donít know what to do. I donít want to cheat on my wife.

Last edited by Crook32; 02-27-2019 at 04:24 PM. Reason: Replaced gay with lesbian
Crook32 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-27-2019, 03:17 PM #2
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks Skeezyks is offline
Apparition
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: L'Etoile du Nord
Posts: 17,325
Skeezyks Skeezyks is offline
Apparition
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: L'Etoile du Nord
Posts: 17,325 (SuperPoster!)

3 yr Member
12.8k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Re: Questioning

Well... at the risk of suggesting the obvious... I'd say this is something you really need to talk through with a therapist, preferably one who is experienced in working with people who have sexual orientation issues. I'm not gay. But I have had a life-long struggle with my gender identity. (I'll spare you the details.) I also have not had a lot of experience with seeing therapists. But I did see one in particular, for a short time, with whom I had the opportunity to talk about my GID issues. And I have to say it was such a relief! Sadly I didn't stick with her. I got PO'd about something else entirely & quit in a huff. But I really think that just talking through these sorts of concerns can be a great relief.

The thing is, if your sexual orientation concerns are anything like my GID concerns, they ain't goin' anywhere. And just trying to keep it all bottled up inside year-after-year can be a tough way to live as well as perhaps a losing battle. My best wishes to you...
__________________
Speak only if you can improve upon the silence.
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 02-27-2019, 03:22 PM #3
daggy's Avatar
daggy daggy is online now
Grand Magnate
 
Member Since: Nov 2008
Location: D`Aguilar Queensland Australia
Posts: 3,513
daggy daggy is online now
Grand Magnate
daggy's Avatar
daggy Time and Spacially challenged
 
Member Since: Nov 2008
Location: D`Aguilar Queensland Australia
Posts: 3,513

10 yr Member
64 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Questioning

Hi crook32
I know how it feels yo find yourself with a middle age itch you cant scratch.
I would talk to your wife about how you feel first off. Before thinking of jumping into the water. And then go from there
__________________


Last edited by daggy; 02-27-2019 at 06:10 PM.
daggy is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-27-2019, 03:26 PM #4
AceRimmer's Avatar
AceRimmer AceRimmer is offline
Member
 
Member Since: Jun 2015
Location: US
Posts: 55
AceRimmer AceRimmer is offline
Member
AceRimmer's Avatar
AceRimmer has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2015
Location: US
Posts: 55

3 yr Member
Default Re: Questioning

I'm not sure what good a therapist will do. It's a pretty big secret to be keeping from a spouse. Would she have married you if she knew you were gay?
__________________
The Universe needs an Ace
AceRimmer is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-27-2019, 05:44 PM #5
Anonymous55989
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Anonymous55989
Guest
Anonymous55989 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a

Default Re: Questioning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crook32 View Post
So I am a lesbian and have been with my wife for almost 20 years. We have two sons 10 and 8. I donít know if I am having a midlife crisis but I have been wanting to have sex with men. This has been going on for months. I havenít actually done anything just constantly thinking about it. I have only slept with one man in my life but that was when I was 18. I just keep feeling like I am missing out on something. I just donít know what to do. I donít want to cheat on my wife.
What are you actually desiring? Is it solely the physical experience of being with a man that you desire? Or, are you desiring a masculine presence in your life on other levels as well, such as connecting with a man on an emotional level?

Are you happy with your marriage as it is? Do you feel that something is missing in your marriage? Or, are you happy with your marriage, but feel the urge to explore and experience another aspect of your sexuality?

Ideally, what do you imagine happening with a man if you could make this come true? A few examples would be a one-night stand, a friend with occasional benefits, a full relationship, etc.

If you are determined to go through with this, then answering these questions is important, since you should talk with your wife before deciding anything. The difference between a friend with benefits and a full-fledged relationship with a man could make a big difference regarding your marriage, especially as to what your wife may be willing to go along with.

One last question: Are you willing to just leave this as a fantasy without going thru with it? How important is this to you? I have a few of my own desires that pull at me too, but acting on them would likely damage what is most valuable to me. So, it is not worth it to me. Please talk with your wife before deciding on anything. The reaction of your wife may change your mind quite abruptly, or maybe she will lovingly workout some kind of compromise, where you are able to explore this on some level with her blessings (and without causing any damage to your relationship with her).
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-27-2019, 06:38 PM #6
Crook32 Crook32 is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,297
Crook32 Crook32 is offline
Poohbah
Crook32 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,297

5 yr Member
1 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Questioning

Quote:
Originally Posted by NightNotes View Post
What are you actually desiring? Is it solely the physical experience of being with a man that you desire? Or, are you desiring a masculine presence in your life on other levels as well, such as connecting with a man on an emotional level?



Are you happy with your marriage as it is? Do you feel that something is missing in your marriage? Or, are you happy with your marriage, but feel the urge to explore and experience another aspect of your sexuality?



Ideally, what do you imagine happening with a man if you could make this come true? A few examples would be a one-night stand, a friend with occasional benefits, a full relationship, etc.



If you are determined to go through with this, then answering these questions is important, since you should talk with your wife before deciding anything. The difference between a friend with benefits and a full-fledged relationship with a man could make a big difference regarding your marriage, especially as to what your wife may be willing to go along with.



One last question: Are you willing to just leave this as a fantasy without going thru with it? How important is this to you? I have a few of my own desires that pull at me too, but acting on them would likely damage what is most valuable to me. So, it is not worth it to me. Please talk with your wife before deciding on anything. The reaction of your wife may change your mind quite abruptly, or maybe she will lovingly workout some kind of compromise, where you are able to explore this on some level with her blessings (and without causing any damage to your relationship with her).


Right now just thinking of the physical aspect. Not looking for a relationship. Not too happy in my marriage right now. I just opened up to my therapist today about this. I feel a lot of shame. I doubt I could find a man to sleep with me so it will probably just remain a fantasy.
Crook32 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-27-2019, 07:49 PM #7
Anonymous55989
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Anonymous55989
Guest
Anonymous55989 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a

Default Re: Questioning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crook32 View Post
Right now just thinking of the physical aspect. Not looking for a relationship. Not too happy in my marriage right now. I just opened up to my therapist today about this. I feel a lot of shame. I doubt I could find a man to sleep with me so it will probably just remain a fantasy.
What are you feeling shame about? You don't have to answer if it is too uncomfortable.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 02-27-2019, 11:13 PM #8
Crook32 Crook32 is offline
Poohbah
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,297
Crook32 Crook32 is offline
Poohbah
Crook32 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 1,297

5 yr Member
1 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Questioning

Quote:
Originally Posted by NightNotes View Post
What are you feeling shame about? You don't have to answer if it is too uncomfortable.


I guess I just feel shame around sex in general. Damn Catholic school upbringing. Plus I am a perfectionist and this has knocked things out of balance.
Crook32 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 02-28-2019, 04:17 AM #9
Anonymous55989
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Anonymous55989
Guest
Anonymous55989 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a

Default Re: Questioning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Crook32 View Post
I guess I just feel shame around sex in general. Damn Catholic school upbringing. Plus I am a perfectionist and this has knocked things out of balance.
This may not be about men at all. It could be about an unfulfilled emotional need that you unconsciously associate with masculinity or masculine attributes, which could be experienced with a woman as well. The physical desire you feel may just be a mechanism for getting your attention to this matter. Anyway, something to think about.

Last edited by Anonymous55989; 02-28-2019 at 04:33 AM.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 03-05-2019, 12:55 PM #10
SilverTrees's Avatar
SilverTrees SilverTrees is offline
Grand Member
 
Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 904
SilverTrees SilverTrees is offline
Grand Member
SilverTrees's Avatar
SilverTrees is wishing everyone peace and hope.
 
Member Since: Mar 2019
Location: Here
Posts: 904 (SuperPoster!)

1,148 hugs
given
Default Re: Questioning

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
Well... at the risk of suggesting the obvious... I'd say this is something you really need to talk through with a therapist, preferably one who is experienced in working with people who have sexual orientation issues. I'm not gay. But I have had a life-long struggle with my gender identity. (I'll spare you the details.) I also have not had a lot of experience with seeing therapists. But I did see one in particular, for a short time, with whom I had the opportunity to talk about my GID issues. And I have to say it was such a relief! Sadly I didn't stick with her. I got PO'd about something else entirely & quit in a huff. But I really think that just talking through these sorts of concerns can be a great relief.

The thing is, if your sexual orientation concerns are anything like my GID concerns, they ain't goin' anywhere. And just trying to keep it all bottled up inside year-after-year can be a tough way to live as well as perhaps a losing battle. My best wishes to you...
SilverTrees is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:26 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.