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Old 02-28-2019, 10:14 AM #1
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Confused Still My Child

Please read.

Two days ago, my 21 year old told me that he's transgender. Im having a difficult time dealing with this. Not because Im against transgender specifically- I have trans friends- but because I feel like Im losing him. Like he was diagnosed with cancer and only given a few months to live.

I have a letter he wrote me in 4th grade telling me why he loves me- he signed it. Im grateful that I have a lot of photos of him throughout his life. I am tryi g to make this NOT about me but I cant help it. Im in total shock. I fear something bad will happen to him - people dont always accept transgender people. That's putting it lightly.

I can't wrap my head around this. Its a huge loss. Of course I know that he will still be my child no matter what but I dont know this new person. He has known forever. Everyone in the family (that know so far) is in shock. My mom doent know what to think. As I said I have a friend who is transgender - but Ive only known her as a woman and she's not my child. She is however a great resource.

Nobody can take our relationship away. But I really fear for his well-being and safety. He's only 21.

All for now. Im still stunned, sad, overwhelmed, happy for him, angry... All the stages of grief rolled into one.
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Old 02-28-2019, 11:13 AM #2
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Default Re: Still My Child

Quote:
Originally Posted by Moose72 View Post
Please read.

Two days ago, my 21 year old told me that he's transgender. Im having a difficult time dealing with this. Not because Im against transgender specifically- I have trans friends- but because I feel like Im losing him. Like he was diagnosed with cancer and only given a few months to live.

I have a letter he wrote me in 4th grade telling me why he loves me- he signed it. Im grateful that I have a lot of photos of him throughout his life. I am tryi g to make this NOT about me but I cant help it. Im in total shock. I fear something bad will happen to him - people dont always accept transgender people. That's putting it lightly.

I can't wrap my head around this. Its a huge loss. Of course I know that he will still be my child no matter what but I dont know this new person. He has known forever. Everyone in the family (that know so far) is in shock. My mom doent know what to think. As I said I have a friend who is transgender - but Ive only known her as a woman and she's not my child. She is however a great resource.

Nobody can take our relationship away. But I really fear for his well-being and safety. He's only 21.

All for now. Im still stunned, sad, overwhelmed, happy for him, angry... All the stages of grief rolled into one.
yes he/ she is still your child and always will be...

different situation but something relate able...

one of my children was born with both male and female reproductive organs. as a result of his/ her hemaphroditism his/her bone marrow didnt know which type of DNA to produce that of a boy with the extra y chromosone or a girl lacking the extra y chromosone. the result his/her body created both on and off causing this child many mental and physical health problems.

during the last hospitalization for this problem a situation arose..

my wife and I since his/her birth made the decision to keep her blood transfusions and such at female until she / he was old enough to make their own decision. for 8 years we had a daughter with many challenges.

then during the last hospitalization for transfusion and such our daughter asked us if we would unlove her if she decided to be a boy. she was tired of all these hospializations, and other mental and physical health problems that she went through because she had both fully functioning boy and girl parts.

my wife and I got tears in our eyes the time has finally come. We looked at our child and said no. the boy and girl parts do not make her who and what she is. what makes her who and what she is, is that beautiful smile she/he gets when excited and happy, its how she /he fully embraces life nature. How kind hearted, compassionate he/she is for those around her/him. the body is just a shell that we all have, but it doesnt define who and what we are. its what we do with our lives and how we do it, that defines us as a human being living on this earth. the grand design of how everything is connected.

We talked about how there were health risks involved with what the doctors need to do to fix her "shell" but nothing was going to change the fact that he/she was planned, planted, cultivated and became the wonderful person that he/ she is.

After she /he understood nothing was changing but the shell and her health problems he / she made the decision. After surgery to remove the boy parts our daughter is much more healthy physically and mentally. she is so much more happy living in her "shell", you can see the confidence in her that was not there before as you had tried to balance sometimes feeling like a girl and other times feeling like a boy.

my point is when everything is done all that really matters is our children are happy and healthy. we are not losing our children when they make this decision. we are instead gaining a child who will thrive, survive and be happy, confident, not someone who may constantly hate their self and their body and end up where we like so many other parents have had to do... plan a funeral because their child couldnt live with their self any more.

I am very happy that my daughter was able to make that decision and that whether she chose to be a boy or girl now he/she is that much more healthy for the decision.

the body parts are just a shell, who and what he/she is, remains who and what she /he is, you are not losing your child, you are gaining a happy healthy son or daughter.
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Old 03-02-2019, 01:31 AM #3
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Default Re: Still My Child

Hello Moose72,

I tried to post on your other thread but I think it may have gotten lost. I am so sorry that you are in such pain. I was wondering if an exercise could help you to feel a bit better during this initial shock phase. Grab a piece of paper and think of everything you love about your child...everything that makes your child unique and wonderful. Write down everything that pops into your mind. Take a few moments to read over the list.

Have any of the traits you admire changed now that your child is openly transgender? Whatever made him/her the wonderful person that they are has remained, yes? The loss in your current experience is complex. You've lost an idea you had about your child and possibly future expectations. What you have not lost, however, is the remarkable individual you raised. That person is still there and always will be each time you look and listen and remember your list.

Not to negate your shock and confusion. You have my empathy. Of course your mind is perplexed by this revelation. That's okay. There are no wrong feelings. Would you be open to speaking with a therapist to help you work through the feelings? Perhaps to gain some strategies and solace?

I wish you and your child a peaceful present and a bright future.
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