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Doomraven0
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Default Jul 02, 2019 at 06:49 AM
  #21
Update 7/2: Things have continued on with no changes with my wife. There is no sex and very limited and brief physical affection from her. I have told her how unattractive and unwanted this makes me feel, how unhappy it makes me and she responds with, "Well, i don't know what to say. I am happy with our marriage." She agreed to see a therapist but only as an afterthought and added the caveat of "If you really feel like we need to but i am happy..." She either gets angry when i bring up our lack of physical relationship or she makes it feel like there is something wrong with me for wanting more affection of her. She asks if i am depressed because of this issue so i either say yes (being honest) and she scoffs saying she doesn' know what i expect from her, or i say no and she assumes that everything is great.

I am not even 40. She is years younger than me. Why do i feel like i have to fight to get even a glimpse of affection from her? Do i really have to give up and accept that this is how things will always be? My sex life is over at 37? She is happy, so, of course, she makes everything fall on me. It's my fault i want more from her to be happy, to feel satisfied and wanted, because she has all those things, so there must be something wrong because i am not.
I would like to iterate that i love my wife. She has so many good qualities and in many ways she is a great partner. She is beautiful, smart, diligent, and a good conversationalist. So am i a bad person for being unhappy with her and wanting more? Should i really just give up on ever having a physical relationship and accept this as our permanent status quo? We have had the affection/sex discussion so many times at this point she all but rolls her eyes if i try to bring up anything sex related, even when its in a positive or joking way, pretending like we actually have a sex life. When i first created this thread, i thought that was it, i had hit rock bottom but, no. Now, months later i really feel like there is no worse it could get.
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Bill3
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Default Jul 02, 2019 at 08:16 AM
  #22
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she scoffs saying she doesn’t know what I expect from her
I think she knows.

It’s good that she is willing to see a therapist, even if she sees it as unnecessary. When can you start that?

I am having trouble understanding how one person in a marriage can be “happy” when the other has a major issue that is being ignored and minimized.
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Doomraven0
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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 09:12 PM
  #23
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Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
I think she knows.

It’s good that she is willing to see a therapist, even if she sees it as unnecessary. When can you start that?

I am having trouble understanding how one person in a marriage can be “happy” when the other has a major issue that is being ignored and minimized.
That is my feeling on it as well. As some kindly online advice stated, this all just leaves me in an unhappy bind. I am expected to remain faithful and loyal to her alone (and i want to) but her other expectation, that she never even mentioned before is that i should just be happy without any physical affection anymore. She says it is hard for her to be physically affectionate, yet she didn't have a single problem being affectionate for many months after we started dating. Not one moment or statement that raised a red flag. Just, bam, one day she was a different person and the expectation is that i am still good with that. It is not just that my physical, sexual, and emotional needs aren't being met, it is also how undesirable and ugly it makes me feel on a daily basis. If i try to initiate anything other than a simple peck goodbye, she pulls away, or she magically has to go to the bathroom, or make food, or make a phone call. I am tired of being made to feel abnormal for wanting a perfectly normal relationship facet.
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Bill3
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Default Jul 06, 2019 at 09:32 PM
  #24
I don’t blame you for being angry and feeling betrayed by her sudden change. Any progress on couples therapy? You might also consider individual therapy, to discuss your options.
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Doomraven0
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Default Jul 07, 2019 at 01:57 AM
  #25
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Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
I don’t blame you for being angry and feeling betrayed by her sudden change. Any progress on couples therapy? You might also consider individual therapy, to discuss your options.
I will be seeing a counselor for my own assistance and help. As far as marriage therapy, i don't have the money right now to afford it but i am trying to see if my job is able to provide this with employee assistance. That is the only thing i can see helping at this point. I just can't figure out why this doesn't bother her, like at all. She is considerate in a lot of things and sends little notes to tell me she loves me. Physically, it is very difficult for me going this long without any release. She definitely turns me on still even with all the emotional toll this is taking. I guess counseling is really our only chance at having some normalcy and passion restored to our marriage.
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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 12:04 AM
  #26
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I had a virtually sexless marriage for many, many years, and it turned my relationship toxic, and caused my wife and I terrible amounts of pain. It took a long time to us to figure out I was a type of asexual and had, and would never have, any real interest in sex with anyone. Asexuality is an outside possibility you might want to be aware of (the AVEN website helped me consider that side to me).

I humbly suggest that it's better to get it sorted as soon as possible, and if necessary consider ending the relationship - the pain of a sexless marriage isn't worth it, IMHO.

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Default Jul 08, 2019 at 02:34 PM
  #27
To me this signals a major marital issue, one that could lead to separation.

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Default Jul 11, 2019 at 12:53 AM
  #28
Yes to the above.

Many centuries and thousands years ago in cultures where divorce generally was not an option, this situation still would have warranted a divorce. Have you voiced to her that if the situation does not improve for you, you would separate from her? If she hears it for real, she might change without your spending (and possibly wasting) money on therapy.

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