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Default Oct 10, 2019 at 09:40 PM
  #1
I am not sure where this goes.

I have DID, among other things. So, it could be my disorder more than anything else. But just in case it is not...

Me, as a person who Identifies as female (born as the sex female), wishes I were a man at times. I am sick of having female body problems. I am sick of feeling disempowered. I am sick of hormones.

I also identify as both asexual and sapiosexual. I have a bunch of conditions and a history of secual victimization. I am sure that has a lot to do with all of this. But, prior to my conditions, I was either bisexual or straight but with bisexual tendencies. I really do not know, and now it makes no difference because I feel like an asexual eunuch. I am attracted to intelligence in general. Maybe that is why I liked Data from Star Trek, or intelligent figures - male or female.

But physically, I have liked men. Mostly men.

I am not sure about my sexuality since I have so many issues that affect it. But I do know that there are times when I wish I were a man instead of a woman. Even a male eunuch would work for me. I do not know where these wishes come from, or if they are part of my DID diagnosis.
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Smile Oct 11, 2019 at 01:51 PM
  #2
Thanks for sharing this. Realistically there's not much I can offer with regard to it except to say that I've struggled with gender identity issues my entire life. I'm AMAD & I've lived a male lifestyle. I've also always been heterosexual based on my birth gender. So it's all been very confusing for me. (My gender identity issues might have made more sense to me had I been gay.)

This all begins to get very complicated very quickly. (I'll spare you the details.) But there was a period of time, a few years ago, when I became convinced I had been transgender my whole life. But as time has gone by I've decided that my gender identity issues may have been simply one aspect of a broader mental health problem. The fact is, at this late stage of my life, it no longer really matters one way or the other although to be honest I still harbor a deep desire to know (even though I know I never will.) But the one thing I know, from personal experience, is that anything related to gender identity or sexual orientation can be excruciatingly confusing.

P.S. I don't know what sapiosexual is.

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Default Oct 11, 2019 at 02:21 PM
  #3
@Skeezyks sapiosexual means being attracted to intelligence, I believe.

I'm so sorry you struggle with gender identity issues. I wasn't dxd with that, and I don't even know what I struggle with in that regard. I never brought it up in therapy. At the VA, I'm too afraid to.
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  #4
I have to say, based on my own experience, I would be really cautious about bringing up gender identity or sexual orientation issues with any therapist who wasn't experienced in working with, as well as interested in, people with these kinds of issues. Therapists who are not can do more harm than good, in my opinion.

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Default Oct 13, 2019 at 04:36 AM
  #5
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I'm sorry that you have all that to deal with but I think you're brave and resilient to have made it this far and to still be working to get a handle on it, and seeking your true self.

Growing up I didn't even know that it was possible to have a gender identity different from what you were assigned at birth. "Transgender" was a mental illness and a sin. I spent so many years trying to fit myself into the expectations of everyone around me, and constantly feeling that I was broken because I couldn't. It was an enormous sense of freedom and relief to finally stop trying and just be myself, whatever that might be. (Not remotely as easy as that might sound)

I'm probably demi-sexual with a preference for men, but I'm finding that my attractions are more fluid as I get older. I identify as non-binary because that's much easier than saying that I'm gender-fluid and drift between fairly masculine female, genderless, and male. Occasionally rather feminine male, just to make it all more confusing. Sometimes I'm ok with who and what I am, but other times I have so much body dysmorphia that I can barely stand it.

I don't think it really matters so much why you feel as you do about your gender, whether it's from trauma or just something that you've always been. Your gender is whatever you feel that it is. That's part of who you are regardless of all the rest. If it feels right to you, even if it's only sometimes, then it's real.

A more important question to think about might be whether you 'want' to be a man to avoid or escape things like hormones and powerlessness, or you sometimes feel that you are a man and those things are causing you distress because they don't match up with that identity. In other words, which is causing you the most distress, the desire to be a man, or the desire to escape from female body issues and powerlessness. Focus on that first and see if you can maybe find a little more clarity.

Try not to put pressure on yourself to decide on a gender. Explore the idea, kind of try on the label, maybe find small ways to express that identity, and see how it feels. If it feels right, then explore it some more.
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Default Oct 15, 2019 at 01:29 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Ember_42 View Post
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I'm sorry that you have all that to deal with but I think you're brave and resilient to have made it this far and to still be working to get a handle on it, and seeking your true self.
Thank you! (((safe hugs back)))

Quote:
Growing up I didn't even know that it was possible to have a gender identity different from what you were assigned at birth. "Transgender" was a mental illness and a sin. I spent so many years trying to fit myself into the expectations of everyone around me, and constantly feeling that I was broken because I couldn't. It was an enormous sense of freedom and relief to finally stop trying and just be myself, whatever that might be. (Not remotely as easy as that might sound)
I'm glad that you were able to find freedom and to finally be yourself. I'm so sorry that "transgender" was considered a "sin." That's horrible. (((hugs)))

Quote:
I'm probably demi-sexual with a preference for men, but I'm finding that my attractions are more fluid as I get older. I identify as non-binary because that's much easier than saying that I'm gender-fluid and drift between fairly masculine female, genderless, and male. Occasionally rather feminine male, just to make it all more confusing. Sometimes I'm ok with who and what I am, but other times I have so much body dysmorphia that I can barely stand it.
I'm going to have to look up all the terms you mentioned. I've heard of cisgendered (or what you may consider binary), as I identify as female (I'll explain more below). But I really wish I were non-binary and without all the female parts. I honestly don't even think I'd want to have any male parts either. I just wish I were a robot of some kind, a non-sexual (or what I think you mean as genderless).

What does demi-sexual mean? (Please forgive my ignorance.)

What does gender-fluid mean? (I know I can look these up, but just in case the definitions online are more textbook than cultural, I thought I'd ask you.)

(((Hugs))) I'm sorry you struggle with body dysmorphia.

Quote:
I don't think it really matters so much why you feel as you do about your gender, whether it's from trauma or just something that you've always been. Your gender is whatever you feel that it is. That's part of who you are regardless of all the rest. If it feels right to you, even if it's only sometimes, then it's real.
Thank you so much!

I love existential, which I think is what this falls in. I am whom I perceive I am. Yay!

Quote:
A more important question to think about might be whether you 'want' to be a man to avoid or escape things like hormones and powerlessness, or you sometimes feel that you are a man and those things are causing you distress because they don't match up with that identity. In other words, which is causing you the most distress, the desire to be a man, or the desire to escape from female body issues and powerlessness. Focus on that first and see if you can maybe find a little more clarity.
I sometimes want to be masculine, but I don't want male body parts. I don't have "penis envy," as Freud would say. To answer your question, honestly, I want to escape from all the problems I'm having with a female body. And given all the "masculine" jobs I've tried to go for (police training, military), I'd say that my identity is not the traditional "female path." I hate how they assign gender to jobs. Why can't I play with toy soldiers or Hotwheels? (I did love my Mork from Ork doll, however, which dates me back to the '80's.) I wish I could have been a "tomboy" more when I was a kid. And, if menopause means that I grow whiskers, why can't that be accepted? It was accepted on the "L Word," a show I used to watch (I still cannot figure out who killed Jenny, LOL).

Quote:
Try not to put pressure on yourself to decide on a gender. Explore the idea, kind of try on the label, maybe find small ways to express that identity, and see how it feels. If it feels right, then explore it some more.
Given my DID (dissociative identity disorder/multiple personalities), even though often covert, I think "tomboy" fits my style more. I've heard from my peers in college tell me years ago that I look like a "tomboy" with some feminine traits when I have the energy to put on cosmetics (most days, I don't wear cosmetics). I hate pantyhose, but I wear them when I feel the need. I love pants - jeans, specifically. Even when I was thin and in shape, I'd prefer to wear pants. Heels just about ruined me! Boots - now that's more my style.

Mannerisms - yes, I belch, burp, pick my butt when I have a murph - but usually in the comfort of my home, and typically when I'm alone. I live alone, so I can do all these things. And, given my medical issues, flatulence is a daily problem with me. I don't care. Some men I've known really didn't care either. I will be "proper" in public, but then again, I rarely go out in public. I'm proper in school. But my appearances will fluctuate between tomboy to feminine. Sometimes I shock people. Sometimes people feel disgusted by me, especially when they say, "Just pick a style. Stop with all these changes." --It's the changes in appearances that are a part of me. I cannot help it. I'm multiple (by personality and by gender), so what? Can't I be ambidextrous? (Hey, that rhymed.)

Anyway, I feel better after speaking with you. One of my professional development mentors (a clinical psychologist, not my therapist, but acting in a professor/mentor role), she is all about asking people how they would like to be identified. Some like to say "hir" (I forgot what that meant), while others like to be called "they," I think. I just said the standard cisgender "she" or "her," for lack of all the different terms that they have. She's really cool, and she works with children. It's great to know that there are researchers/clinicians/professors who understand different identities.

I'm pretty ignorant of all this stuff, but I've always had identity issues.

It helps to know that I can find support for this here.
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Default Oct 15, 2019 at 01:31 AM
  #7
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Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
I have to say, based on my own experience, I would be really cautious about bringing up gender identity or sexual orientation issues with any therapist who wasn't experienced in working with, as well as interested in, people with these kinds of issues. Therapists who are not can do more harm than good, in my opinion.
@Skeezyks

I like your tag name; it sounds so fun, spunky, and energetic!

Anyway, you're right. I should be cautious, especially at the VA. I never really identified with all these issues when I joined the service, but back then, they didn't allow these issues to be spoken of. It was like, "Don't ask, don't tell." So, I just did my thing and performed the best I could. I was and am probably more heterosexual than anything else, but I will acknowledge easily that I'm asexual now. Rather, I'm abstinent.
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Default Oct 16, 2019 at 05:52 PM
  #8
Courage, for bringing out a taboo subject, for me at least. Lots of very confusing experiences (life).
Complex history. Early life I was identified as a "Tom boy", I chose boys to hang out with, they were more fun and adventurous and
I liked the freedom they seem to enjoy. Girls, not so much. Dresses not so much. Dolls not so much.
Tree houses, swimming in ponds,
Tadpoles. Much more interesting.

After the age of 10, I went to live with another family, and was made into their version of a "lady".
Put on a dress, and paraded around
As a project, in the making.

Never let out of the door to feel wild and free in nature ever again. Never to wear my jeans and t-shirt again. No pets, a sterile, suffocating and messed up time.

And in my military time, I was assumed by the men in my assignment as "very male", or and
Told I must be gay..... Though I looked and dressed as female.
I have had others interpret my
Looks, demeanor as male. My neighbor lady said maybe you should wear some makeup and dress more feminine.

Almost 65, I miss my sexuality,
I am living like a spayed or neutered
Asexual being. Probably has something to do with other issues.

I have very little contact with people other than daily tasks. Probably not good or healthy either. Or, relating with my S. O.

As my personal small rebellion, I no longer wear dresses, heels, and my hair is pixie short,
As far as being attracted to anyone male or female, I always admired
Kindness over looks. Animals love you unconditionally, they are true.

Too long a rant, must have touched some tender parts.

Thanks for reading.
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Default Oct 16, 2019 at 06:34 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by Blknblu View Post
Courage, for bringing out a taboo subject, for me at least. Lots of very confusing experiences (life).
Complex history. Early life I was identified as a "Tom boy", I chose boys to hang out with, they were more fun and adventurous and
I liked the freedom they seem to enjoy. Girls, not so much. Dresses not so much. Dolls not so much.
Tree houses, swimming in ponds,
Tadpoles. Much more interesting.

After the age of 10, I went to live with another family, and was made into their version of a "lady".
Put on a dress, and paraded around
As a project, in the making.

Never let out of the door to feel wild and free in nature ever again. Never to wear my jeans and t-shirt again. No pets, a sterile, suffocating and messed up time.

And in my military time, I was assumed by the men in my assignment as "very male", or and
Told I must be gay..... Though I looked and dressed as female.
I have had others interpret my
Looks, demeanor as male. My neighbor lady said maybe you should wear some makeup and dress more feminine.

Almost 65, I miss my sexuality,
I am living like a spayed or neutered
Asexual being. Probably has something to do with other issues.

I have very little contact with people other than daily tasks. Probably not good or healthy either. Or, relating with my S. O.

As my personal small rebellion, I no longer wear dresses, heels, and my hair is pixie short,
As far as being attracted to anyone male or female, I always admired
Kindness over looks. Animals love you unconditionally, they are true.

Too long a rant, must have touched some tender parts.

Thanks for reading.
@Blknblu

I'm so sorry you went through that! Being forced to wear dresses and cosmetics - or being forced to wear anything that you didn't feel comfortable wearing because it didn't align with your identity at the time - is traumatic and invasive and imprisoning! Good for you for sticking up for what you like to wear!

The things you liked as a kid, I would have liked, too! I vacillated between feminine and masculine, however. But, it would have been fun to have known you back then! Tadpoles - how cool is that?!

Thank you for your service, if I haven't said it before (I've met so many people on PC now, including a few fellow veterans, that I'm starting to have difficulty keeping up; maybe it's an aging senile thing of mine, or just that I'm not paying enough attention, so please forgive me)! Of course, when I was in service, certain uniforms (our alphas, our dress blues, for instance) required a skirt and lipstick, I believe. Thankfully, there weren't too many days when I had to wear those uniforms.

Most days, I feel like a female eunuch, so I get what you mean by feeling like you're spayed or neutered. I once had a friend who was a cat rescue person, and my ex-boyfriend (who still is my friend) loves cats - we all loved cats. Your spayed and neutered statement reminded me of cats. Sorry. But I could relate, in part, to what you said. I am asexual - both by choice and because of my disabilities. One psychologist I know said to me recently that it is possible to find other persons who identify as asexual and to have a non-sexual relationship, so that gave me hope, but it is rare and hard to find, especially in terms of how one defines asexual. The LGBT added on some letters to now include asexuality and otherwise: LGBTQIA. I'm sure there are more acronyms to add to that list, but the "A" on the end confuses me because I might not fit into their cultural definitions of asexual. I feel kind of lost, actually, or not belonged. I have many friends, however, who are part of the LGBTQIA community. I'm ignorant sometimes with the terms that they are accustomed to, but they are almost always willing to answer my questions.

Happy pre-birthday (65)!

I miss my sexuality sometimes. It is challenging to age when you feel as though your sexuality or sexual identity or ability to have sex changes. It's also challenging to deal with disabilities (regardless of age), which can interfere with sexuality.

I honestly want a "Golden Girls" retirement now. That's my goal. Or, if possible, a partnership with a male person who is asexual (as I'm really heterosexual, though I had experimented in the past coupled with dealt with my own DID issues that sort of naturally made me bisexual). I was honest when I went into service about being heterosexual, but it is hard for me to be honest about all the things I had time to think about after I was discharged, or even prior to my enlistment. Seeking mental health treatment at the VA is scary when the laws back then were more in line with traditionalism than they are today, where they are open to the LGBTQIA community enlisting. Back in our day, I've seen people get discharged for that - and less than honorable. It's sad. I'm not sure if they could change their discharges now, but that would be a step in the right direction for them. Still, the VA may keep the info confidential, but it's really shared with anyone who works for the VA and has clearance, meaning, other fellow veterans. I don't want them to have access to my stuff. The VA operates do differently from civilian life; conflict of interest is defined differently, and you can pretty much throw confidentiality out the window. Then again, most other veterans accept you. It's the administrators (those in authority) that I'm fearful of.

Anyway, I thought I'd respond to your response post. Thank you so much for sharing! I'm a veteran, too, and it is nice to connect with other veterans who can relate to me.

(((safe hugs)))
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Default Oct 20, 2019 at 02:42 AM
  #10
Sorry for taking so l long to answer. I wasn't ignoring you, I'm just not on here very often.

So, demi-sexual means that I need a romantic connection to someone to want to have any kind of sexual interaction with them. I'm attracted to people, even lust after them, but I don't actually want to do anything about it unless I feel connected to them on a more than physical level. But I also have social issues and don't like to be casually touched (like at all) by anyone I don't feel an emotional connection with, even if it's platonic.

Gender-fluid means that my identity isn't static. I identify as different things at different times. Sometimes one particular label lasts for months, sometimes it can change after only a day or so. Sometimes there will be a specific trigger, other times it just happens.
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Default Oct 20, 2019 at 02:50 AM
  #11
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Sorry for taking so l long to answer. I wasn't ignoring you, I'm just not on here very often.

So, demi-sexual means that I need a romantic connection to someone to want to have any kind of sexual interaction with them. I'm attracted to people, even lust after them, but I don't actually want to do anything about it unless I feel connected to them on a more than physical level. But I also have social issues and don't like to be casually touched (like at all) by anyone I don't feel an emotional connection with, even if it's platonic.

Gender-fluid means that my identity isn't static. I identify as different things at different times. Sometimes one particular label lasts for months, sometimes it can change after only a day or so. Sometimes there will be a specific trigger, other times it just happens.
Does having multiple personalities count for being gender-fluid? I have male parts, too. I used to say a long, long time ago that I wish I was just regarded as human and not a gender at all. In many ways, I still feel that way, but there are days that I am okay with being feminine, and more recently, being more masculine (no cosmetics, etc.). I just don't like all the pain that comes with the feminine.

Demi-sexual makes complete sense. If I were healthy and wanted a romantic relationship, I'd be demi-sexual, I think. I never liked having sex without being in a relationship; I tried when I would go out on a few dates with someone many moons ago, but it just didn't feel the same as actually being close and connected. I'm more asexual than anything else these days. But if I could go back, I'd be demi-sexual only.

Thank you so much for explaining! Oh, and no worries about taking your time to respond. I understand people get busy, etc.
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