[3l14n3]

I’ve been thinking about this lately and I feel really guilty, at the same time I don’t know how to cope with it and I’m insecure about myself.
This is my story:
After my fifteenth birthday I traveled to another country with some people that attended the same school as me, there I met a boy who was in puberty I don’t know his exact age. The thing is he had a crush on me and it was weird, when we were in the airplane back to our country I had to sit next to him, he started to annoy me because when I tried to sleep (and I don’t know if it was my imagination because it felt real) he would touch me in the arm, or he would take my stuff and play with it even though I told him to stop, when we were getting ready to go out of the plane, I had a spontaneous reaction, I can’t recall if I planned it, because I’m almost sure I didn’t. I bent down and accommodated my underwear but with my pants still on, at first due to the realization of what I just did I thought it was funny, what if he saw me? I’m not gonna lie at first I thought that was what he wanted, so I took what I did as “showing myself off”. But then, days later I started to feel really frightened, did I abuse him? Did he feel uncomfortable? He is just a kid how could I do that? Later at school I saw him and he greeted me, he looked totally normal with me. I don’t know what to do because I feel like I really abused him and I’m starting to feel guilty like I don’t deserve anything good and I’m a pedophile.
Another thing that makes me feel terribly bad about myself and the people involved is that during the trip, the people I traveled with and me had to go to school, when it was time for PE we had to change our clothes. All the girls went to the dressing rooms, there was this girl in front of me changing her shirt but she was completely naked at the top, when I looked at her I started to feel anxious because I saw her like three times and I didn’t know what to do. There were two girls in front of her who also saw her but they acted completely normal. She was like 12 or so. That also makes me wonder if I’m a weirdo and a pedophile.
Last thing I have to confess: The reason I think there’s something wrong with me is that I sometimes think I’ve touched people but not sure if I did, for example: I take dance classes and there are exercises that require more space than what we actually have, when that happens I try my best not to touch anyone but my mind starts thinking I should touch the person next to me and most of the times that person is a girl. I don’t think I’ve ever touched someone otherwise the teacher or the same person would have complained but there’s always this thought of “what if I really did and the person is too afraid to complain or tell someone, what if I’m a sexual stalker? All this makes me paranoid and really sad, because maybe I hurt that people and it would disappoint my family who really loves me. It frightens me, if I’m what I think I am then I’m a danger to society and I deserve to die (can’t believe I’m actually saying it, because that’s what I think everyday). I’m going to see a psychiatrist to talk about all this but I wanted to post this before, because it’s getting even harder to keep.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I'm not a mental health professional. But I want to say emphatically that, in my opinion, you are not a stalker or a pedophile, you're not a danger to society, and you most certainly don't deserve to die!

Perhaps you are struggling with some anxiety? Perhaps you have some OCD-like traits? That's for a mental health professional to determine. But whatever it is that is causing you to have the experiences you're having, it's not something to be overly concerned about. It's just something to work through in a calm matter-of-fact way. We all experience the kinds of intrusive thoughts you've had. It's a part of being human. But thoughts are just thoughts. They don't make you any of the things you're concerned about.

You mentioned you're going to be seeing a psychiatrist to talk about this. And that is certainly a good step to take. I'm glad you're taking positive steps to address your concerns. I don't know, of course, where you live or how mental health services are delivered there. But, where I live, about all psychiatrists do is to prescribe & monitor psychiatric medications. All in-depth discussion of mental-health-related concerns is left to mental health therapists. Should you find this to be the case where you live, you may want to consider finding a mental health therapist with whom you can delve more deeply into the experiences you've had.

Here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that offer tips for coping with obsessive thoughts:

Coping with Obsessive Thoughts

5 Ways to Free Yourself From Dark and Obsessive Thoughts

Some Ideas to Help Stop Obsessing

Why Can't I Shut Off My Mind?

My best wishes to you...

[3l14n3]

Thanks for the support, this is not the first time I’ve dealt with intrusive thoughts and even though everybody has told me that they don’t define me, I don’t know how to believe them. But thanks to people like you I feel so much better.
Again thank you for your help