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Default Dec 19, 2019 at 02:58 PM
  #1
Hi,
i've already explored my sexual identity and i believe im asexual (sex neutral/negative) and aromantic and im fine with these definitions. not that i need labels, but giving a name to what i feel and think is relieving for some reason.

as for gender its a bit more complicated… just recently i've come through the non-binary/genderqueer/genderfluid/agender/demigender definitions. im not sure where do i fit in, if at all. here are the basics and i hope someone more informed than me could give me an opinion or suggestion or ask questions to help me better understand…

i was born with feminine bio/genitals. since i was little i remember id have liked to be a boy, i could identify myself more easily with male characters in tv shows/cartoons. i knew i was a girl but still i could feel there was a part of me who wanted to be a boy and in fact i acted like them a lot in the way i dressed, acted and played. not always but often. as for my genitals sometimes i'd envy the boys' penis but more often id just ignore the whole thing feeling i was just a kid, not girl and not boy… just too young to really be a girl or a boy… i was plainly just a kid! kind of genderless.

then, growing up, i kept dressing very sporty all my life. never worn a skirt and only in special occasion have i worn a dress. and with a lot of difficulty because it made me feel strange and out of place. i never used make up, here again, except for special events, and couldnt wait to wear it off. its very uncomfortable for me and makes me feel like im not me. but i would never dress up like a man. im not a man!

worst of it, its my boobs. i've always hated them since they started growing. i was hoping to have them very little size but they kept growing and they are bigger than i had hoped for. they're not giant and i can easily hide them but still… bigger than i had hoped for. i had even thought about getting surgery to reduce them but then i found out sport bras and with them i've felt a lot better. i almost always wear comfy/big tops to hide them the best i can too. i also have some sort of an ED because i know the skinnier i am the little my boobs are…. as for my bottom genitals…. its ok i guess. i just hate having my period. i know it serves to have babies but im not sure i want one… and im almost 38! i dont even think id want to be in a relationship again… not with men and not with women even though i kind of prefer very low levels of flirting with women then with men.

on the other side… often people have exchanged me for a boy/man and i was very hurt by that because it meant that i was only an ugly girl. and i actually dont think im very ugly, i just dont use make up and dress feminine… if i did, (and on the occasions i did), i could see i could have been a decent woman if i wanted to but…. i never really wanted.
moreover, thinking about being a man… no, thats not what id like… i love that manly bodies dont have boobs but i dont like the penis either. so i wouldnt like to have a manly body either. all protuberances are ugly in my opinion. i wish i could be flat in my chest and "down there" too.

as for attraction…. i have aestethical attraction mostly for anorexic women (legs, belly, chest and arms) and a very precise type of man face/hair. neither lead to sexual attraction.

i can feel sexual arousal very rarely. mostly by some specific scenarios/dynamics between people in tv shows (movies but especially tv series). and IRL, it has happened very rarely too by simple touch (not sexual) by both women and men. i hate kissing and i hope i'll never do it or have sex again. i only tried with men, but it wouldnt be appealing to me to try with women either. im just not into sex or kissing. the only thing i can stand (and like) is touch, but only when i can feel its not aiming to sex (even if it may convey the feeling that this other person, man or woman, is somehow interested in me).
i've been attracted both by girls and boys in my life, but i preferred it to stay a mental thing, not to act on those thoughts or feeling. because when they started to get physical i didnt really like it much (touch not sexual ok, kissing and sex not ok)

so basically i know im a woman (and dont mind being called with feminine pronouns), but dont like to make it show. i hide my feminine side even though sometimes, when i wanted to attract men to have a boyfriend, i could appreciate more feminine clothes, but as soon as i decide i dont want to attract anyone i go back wearing very sporty and im fine with it. wearing and acting more feminine is just a mean to attract someone that i easily give up when its done or im not interested anymore. i dont like manly or womanly bodies either. female without boobs or male without penis would be perfect…

i dont know…. can anyone help me understand, please? do i have gender identity issues or am i just a not feminine woman???
Thank you even for just reading… it was also reliving to just write this all down...

PS. should i add i underwent through longstanding CSA? may that have had a certain influence?

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Default Dec 19, 2019 at 08:54 PM
  #2
I've just read your post, and want to say that how it is cruel to live in such a perplexing and tricky situation as yours, difficulties to identify your gender, and difficulties to get a conforming body with what you feel inside you. You feel like you are trapped in a place you don't wanna belong to it any longer! Prisoned in a body that doesn't fit with your sex identity!.
I let u know that I got myself confused by things you said about your psychological propensities and your sexual orientations comparing with the sex gender that you have been identified by, I couldn't find a gender totally accommodates with your statement,
According to the principal idea of your letter you are a non-binary person, a person beyond a he and she, a person out the zone of man and woman, genderless, a genderfree, so person like this is out of sexual desires and physical appearance of he or she.
Primarily you are a genderless in a female body, but you wrote that :
-since u were little u liked to be BOY.
-u felt that part of u wanted to be BOY.
-u acted like them (BOYS) the way u got dressed.
-u envy the boy's penis.
Then growing up kept wearing sporty like men coz u hate dresses they aren't comfortable and make u feel strange and not you out of your place (not woman ).
To be honest I started to figure it out that you are pretty close to be a male gender but in the end I got confused again when u said that would never dress up like a man Coz you aren't a man.
Then u wrote that:
-basically u know that u are a woman and you don't mind to be called by FEMININE NAMES,
-when you wanted to attract men to have boyfriend you appreciated feminine clothes.
Here I figured out that u wanted to be part of feminism, till you said that you don't want attract anyone and you go back WEARING VERY SPORTY.
Here once again you wanted to be a man.
In the end of your letter you wrote that you don't like womanly bodies and manly bodies,
You don't have sex appeal towards both genders,
So my overview is physically you want to be far from being woman or man, and far from getting involved in any sort of romantic relationship or sexual experience with both genders.
Sexual desire has been implanted in human and directed by genes to prevent the human kind from extinction.
Somehow u jumped out at things you preferred to let them apart. Such as your family opinion and role, and your medical report that contains the level of testosterone and estrogen in your body,
have u ever tried or thought about having a Sex Reassignment surgery and how far would you go to make it come true and make it right with you?
Have u ever been in love with someone he or she...
but I'm sure u did it in purpose and for a reason.
So your sex gender diagnosis seems to be close to your situation,you are a genderless, with some disturbances in wanting to be part and fit in the other gender( sometimes he and sometimes she) which is called the gender dysphoria by psychologists and physiologists, so I suggest to visit a psychologist by giving more details.

Regarding CSA it is sleep disorder caused by respiratory control instability and failure, and it has no hand or influence in your gender dysphoria,
Only I can say that CSA is more common in men more than in women,
And hope you get better soon and find strength to cope with all these.
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Default Dec 20, 2019 at 10:16 AM
  #3
Thank you SOOOOO much Vanaheimr for reading and answering me, it was very useful to have a feedback.

I dont really feel trapped in my body, its a less strong thing for me… i just dont like some aspects of my body (boobs especially, and being expected to dress up like a woman and act like that) and i just put up with them the best i can… since im not looking for relationships or a label, its all very “causal” and not a “life-threatening” situation. Id just wish i could clarify especially to myself “what” i am… since i have already established im asexual and aromantic i think i tend to think the best definition for me would be “genderless”. I identify myself as a woman, but i hate some things of it but at the same time i wouldnt like being in a man's body either so….

What best defines me, i think is i am:
- Sex-less (asexual), free from sexual desire. (I can be aroused but mostly not by men or women bodies, just by “situations or some kind of touches”.
- Romantic-less (aromantic), free from needing romanticism in my life. I hate kisses, cuddling and hugs…. The only thing i like is soft touch in non erotic places.
- Gender-less (agender), (i tried acting like both but dont recognize in either of them internally. Not with sexual attraction, not with way of dressing up). I dont mind my appearance as long as its a bit more feminine than masculine. I do want to be recognized as a woman.
- Free from the need to belong to a typical gender appearance/looking (most of the times - and as long as i still am recognizable as woman in my aspect)
- Free from needing to have a feminine or masculine body (dont need to change anything, but at most to hide my boobs, i can even put up with my periods)

i think the best definition i found is DEMIGIRL (from demigender)

I do have thought about surgery, but only about reducing my breasts, not to become a man at all. never. I just wish my chest was flat like in men, and i wish i didnt have to have my period. Sometimes i have considered cutting my hair in a masculine way but i hate my ears, so i wouldnt do that for this reason and because, even though i like men’s haircuts, i still want to be recognizable as a woman. And in fact i wear long hair only for this purpose (but not earrings, makeup, jewellery)
I dont think a surgery exists to make my body become as i wish it were. I sometimes see myself as a genderless dummy or an alien with no masculine or feminine traits. Actually when i think of myself… i think about me as a brain using a casual body. I feel like im a body-less entity except for when its sick or stimulated so much that its impossible to ignore it.

Been in love? Im not sure… had squishes (not crushes) for tv characters and people IRL both male and female usually my age or older. But real love…. I dont think it happened because i cant love bodies. Anything that has to do with bodies annoys me so how can i love one, be it man or woman???
When i was younger, since sometimes ive been attracted by girls ive thought i might have been bisexual but since now sex here is ruled out (dont want to have sex with either) maybe i just have had mental attraction for them (not even aestethical!)

As for my childish desires of being a boy, i tend to blame, in big part, the birth of my little brother. He was an ill baby and of course he was getting more attentions than i was. I guess i confused the fact that he was getting more attention because of his sickness with the fact that he was a boy and i was a girl. My granma always preferred him because he was a boy and i think thats what stirred up my wishes to be a boy too. But really… watching cartoons, how could i not identify with the main character that usually was a male??? And female characters didnt seem to be so feminine anyway.
Actually there has been a very specific moment in my teens where i have felt like i was a boy and acted a bit like a boy. It felt kind of natural to me but as soon as i realized it, i felt ashamed and wrong and was hoping nobody had noticed it... i didnt think much of it afterwards… it was just something that i was not to repeat again and forget.

as for CSA i meant Childhood Sexual Abuse. Im sure it has left me still battling with the aftermaths. Maybe this is something that wont ever change, no matter how much therapy i get….
In fact, im seeing a T and this gender subject has just come up, i never thought much about it…. But now, thats why i’ve been looking for more inputs and feedback from others here online…. I feel this is just something i have to figure out as i did for my sexuality (or lack of).

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Smile Dec 20, 2019 at 04:08 PM
  #4
Thanks for posting this. I don't know as there is really much of anything I can offer. (Although gender dysphoria has been at or near the core of all of my mental health challenges over the years, since I'm an old man now, I know almost nothing about all of the terms people have come up with over the past few years to define their gender identity.) However I wanted to let you know I read your post. And I wish you success in defining your personal gender identity. One thing I do understand is how important it can feel to have a "term" you can use to define yourself.

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Default Dec 20, 2019 at 07:55 PM
  #5
Hi,
I want to say you are welcome, and I'm glad that my small contribution was useful to you regarding your issue.
You included more details and much more clarified things within your letter,
I let you know that I figured which kind of issue that you have, it is mainly focused and centralized around the aspect,
Obviously from your statements you try to find a body for you, for your identification, (genderless)
Neither man body nor woman one,
As I said in my previous letter, sexual orientation with manly or womanly physical aspects are out your interest and concerning,
Only once again I got confused when you wrote:
-free from sexual desire. (I can be aroused but mostly not by men or women bodies, just by “situations or some kind of touches”.
How can you be free from sexual desire but you can be AROUSED in same time? may be you have an other definition or meaning to the term aroused, coz being aroused is being turned on, by touching, pictures, parts in body stimulated and evoked...
You said you hate cuddles huge kissing you only like touching, in no erotic parts,
I don't know what kind of emotion can be engendered when touching u out sex apart of when a mother touches her kid, a friend hugs his friend, supporting hugs, encouraging hugs....may be you mean affection touching?
But when u mention the word aroused obviously it contains the sex desire. May be you can't be aroused by men or women only by SITUATIONS and TOUCHING, at any rate you have sexual desire towards something. U said it! A mental attraction! it is clear here that the physical intercourse is out your concern, but u still can be aroused! Unless u give your definition to the word aroused according to u and to your gender identification, ( genderless)
Also I see that you have a partiality leaning towards a feminine side,
You said:
-I don't mind my appearance as long as it's a bit more feminine than masculine. I do want to be recognized as a woman.
That's why I asked you if you have a medical analysis of testosterone and estrogen hormones level in your body.
The hormonal theory of sexuality and gender identity plays a role in fetal sex differentiation, and influences the sexual orientation and the gender identity since childhood and it manifests in adulthood, the Difference of brain structure caused by these hormones it effects on how the brain cells develop to differ genders by uncountable behaviors and sexual orientation including the sex gender identify.
Well, you mentioned part of your childhood and the interference of your family and its consequence on you, coz researches has revealed that the relationship between a person and his family( parents, siblings, cousins...) And between the person and his environment are important to determine the gender identity.

Regarding CSA I took it for another term,
Sure it has a major influence on you especially if you had such harmful experience In your childhood! I'm really sorry for you I know it won't change! U can't do nothing to change it! U ain' gonna travel in time and prevent it from happening! As u can't forget it! How about learn from it? Use it and make it work for your own benefit? Coz only in the hardest and most cruel moments that we find ourselves forced by getting through them! The best and the baddest shape of us would appear that time.
I don't want you to classify yourself within the alien category neither within dummies or any other physical object! You are woman that's how nature decided, a woman physically who has no gender identity neither she nor he, you have your own concerns out of both genders, you are a Human, u play a role in the society, have tasks to do, life to live.
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Default Dec 21, 2019 at 03:11 PM
  #6
Hi Skeezyks,
i have found a nice site with all the possible definitions for gender and sexual identities. I cant give you the link now, but i will in my next post if you want to… I didnt read it all but i did find something that helped me. As i said the best definition i could find for myself is Demigirl. But im still searching. You’re never too old to find or even decide what term best defines you if you want it…. But as i already said… labels are just labels, knowing who you really are and staying true to yourself is what really matters the most imo… Anyway, thank you for reading and giving me your support.

Hi again Vanaheimr,
thank you too for answering again. I must admit i hoped you would. You seem very wise, attentive and quite expert on this matter. I dont think my T would have been able to reply better than you did. So a big THANK YOU to you!

As for your question, i think my answer is easy. The way i see it, sexual arousal is plainly a physical reaction that MAY make me feel like acting on it but generally doesnt (especially because it usually happens when having sex isnt very doable). While sexual desire is yes, detected by a physical excitement, but is primarily a mental thing - that i have used to actually have sex. So for me, sexual arousal usually doesnt lead to sex (maybe masturbation if i really feel like it), while sexual desire is a mental thing that i have used to actually have sex. I never really had a sexual impulse, but my mind could “convince” me to let my body do it.

Since i dont have a penis, it is and has been harder for me to learn to understand when my body tells me it feels excited/aroused. I think men have it so much easier because their bodies have a big reaction that you cant ignore, while in women its not so clear, or at least, not for me.

So anyway, thats why i said im free from sexual desire (mentally, i very rarely have felt the impulse), while it can happen that my body gets aroused. I already said what usually happens next.

As for touching its a bit more complicated. I love affection touching but only when i feel like it and/or by who i feel like it. If it comes spontaneously from the other person (friends, colleagues, acquaintances or even family members) it usually makes it difficult for me. It embarrasses me. Unless its from a person that i feel like receiving these kind of touches. Here im mostly talking about my mom (when i feel like it i go to her) or other people i have some interest on, be them boys or girls (men or women). As for hugs it also makes a huge difference if its started by me (rarely) or by others.
When i have a feeling that the touch becomes erotic (especially by boys) i suddenly get stiffen or contracted. I also kind of stop breathing and i feel a big rush of anger in my mind. It also happens when i get unwanted hugs or touches that i feel they have a second motive, not purely affective (erotic, trying to understand my body – wheres fat, where its skinny, how much etc.). all of these have happened, so im not talking abstractly but from direct experience. Its just hard to classify all experiences, so here are the general “guide lines”.
Lastly, support touches from people i admire a lot are special to me. Its as if the touch remains forever…
Im more for platonic long distance love than anything else. Mental is better than physical.

Sorry, i didnt understand the medical analysis part you asked me about the first time you mentioned it. You meant to ask me if i have ever done tests to see how much testosterone or estrogen hormones i have??? If thats the question…. No! It actually never crossed my mind to take such a test. Maybe it could be an interesting test to do, but i do not want to undergo the shame of asking for it to my doc…

As for CSA, i have worked on it in therapy… sometimes i still get triggered and yes im sure it has had its effects. Maybe all of these gender/sexual issues have been intensified, increased and exacerbated by CSA. Maybe without it, i would be a different person now… both on sexual and gender identity…

Actually i do like the examples of dummies or aliens. Aliens maybe better. I think they give a better idea of how i feel… but thank you for not wanting me to identify with an object… of course im not an object…

Thank You so MUCH again for talking with me about this. Its the first time for me…

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Default Dec 27, 2019 at 07:01 PM
  #7
Hello again,
I feel big gratitude because of your compliment about my modest knowledge and wisdom, I feel kinda satisfied, I contributed small notes and Remarques in order to help u find out who you really are, and it seems that my small contribution was helpful and especially meaningful to you.

Your last letter was clear, direct, in which you answered all my questions, and u shed light on points I got confused about last time.
( sexual arousal, sex desire) their meaning for you and what they represent for you According to your gender dysphoria that it was diagnosed genderless.
-small review: genderless is a person with no sex identity no he neither she, free from sexual desire towards both genders + the willing of getting a particular physical aspect that it doesn't look like a woman nor like a man, pretty closer to your female body.
Also you talked about the touching and what it represents for you, and let me tell you it was very useful to me.
You said things while u were clarifying to me, and as a usual I picked em up and used them as keys may these keys would be useful to help us figure out the issue, (gender dysphoria).
Before I talk about the key words, I want to clarify one thing,
In order to get the best diagnosis this requires the interference of so many factors and may require big corporation on ur behalf, braveness, being more open,
I'm not saying u not open, u are open indeed and have a courage,
May be the role of extracting answers and information from u it doesn't only consists on you, it consists on the listener, or the therapist... And it may includes some techniques, choosing the right specified questions, and qualification.
So there would be no accurate diagnosis, the therapist is like a builder or a mason, he's gonna build something for you according to what u provide for him! (An architectural plan, Money, materials,...) of course his achievement in the end it depends on his skills and experience in his domain, skills and experience differ from a builder to another one! From therapist to therapist
Before I talk about the key words in your letter I must talk about the subconscious,
The subconscious is a metaphor for a storehouse of tests precipitated by psychological repression, as it does not reach memory. The subconscious contains the internal motors, pictures, memories, and stimuli of behavior, as well as the seat of sexual and psychological instinctive energy in addition to held back experiences.
Key number1:
-Without you notice you said that: you don't have penis it was hard for u to learn when your body gets aroused, men bodies have big reaction...till here everything is normal,
Till u said: but in WOMEN is not clear, at a least not for ME ( subconsciously you consider yourself women).
Key number2:for me, sexual arousal usually doesnt lead to sex (maybe masturbation if i really feel like it).
Obviously here there could be a need has to be fulfilled and satisfied by masturbation replacing the sexual intercourse. Your biological system play its role, as you have period, may be you get wet also when you have sexual arousal, I'm sure you do.
Key number3:When i have a feeling that the touch becomes erotic (especially by boys) i suddenly get stiffen or contracted. I also kind of stop breathing and i feel a big rush of anger in my mind.
What makes a DUMMY gets ANGRY when they touch her erotically??! Dummy should not feel aroused, or stimulated when they touch her erotic places, as it won't feel angry either!
obviously her in your subconscious there is internal conflict inside you, and the story of CSA makes sense and influenced on your gender dysphoria.
The medical analysis regarding hormones level test in your body believe me it help a lot,
Coz the human is psychological system divided in 3 parts by Sigmund Freud, as it is a biological existence also and in same time,
We can't isolate the two systems! They both work together and simultaneously.
If u have something you don't understand just ask me.
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Default Dec 28, 2019 at 09:32 AM
  #8
Hi again Vanaheimr,

Always nice to hear from you. Im glad I made you feel your contribution was appreciated because it was and is indeed. Very much!

Im also glad I was able to clarify what I meant by sexual arousal and desire, the difference between the two…

As I said, I originally thought I may be agender, but now im leaning more towards being a demigirl. 65-70% of me feels woman and the rest doesn’t like it/wouldn’t want it/feels male-agender or “alien”… all of this remaining 30% being fluid and changing according to the moment. I think this best describes me (what I was, am and will be).

Im not sure what I feel is enough to fit in the gender dysphoria though… I am accepting all of this without struggling much. Sometimes more, sometimes less, but never enough to cause a severe crisis. I just do my best with what I have and try to adapt myself with what makes me feel better in the moment.

When I wanted a boyfriend I became more feminine and flirting, copying (literally COPING) from women in tv or irl. I was never genuine or spontaneous. Whatever I did was for a reason and whatever I did, it didn’t feel like me, just a me that was imitating what I thought a woman would have done/said/been.

When I liked a girl I limited myself to enjoy secretly the little I was given: a few words, some simple touches etc. never did anything flirty or physically. I limited myself to “receive” and enjoy it. Maybe giving it a special value where there wasn’t any, but that’s how it went.

Now that im more in a “don’t need anybody”-mode, I have gone back to dressing more comfy, more sporty and generally not caring about people I have around in a “special way” or worrying about my look or anyone in a special way. Im feeling just free.

I like how you described the therapist’s job. That’s why next time im going to session I will bring my T a letter with what I have written here in these posts and it will be the first real time we talk about this in such depth.

As for your keys:

1) yes, most part of me considers myself a woman

2) I truly prefer masturbation to sex with someone else. Actually I hope I will never have to have sex with someone else again. (except if im in a phase when I want a boyfriend/hubby/kids). I have never felt wet as a sign of sexual arousal/desire. If it happens, it happens DURING sex or masturbation, not before. So I don’t really have indicators that physically tell me I want to have sex (physically or mentally).

3) surely CSA plays its role here when it comes to feeling frozen or angry when touched/hugged in certain ways (erotic or smothering).

Lastly, I don’t think I’ll ever take the tests for the hormones, but I appreciate the idea and will keep it in mind should I change my mind.

Thank you SO MUCH for listening so attentively and answering with so many inputs.
Takecare and hope to hear from you again…

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Default Jan 03, 2020 at 06:12 PM
  #9
Hello sinking,
I read your new letter with the new clarified points that you made, let's say that you reached good level of describing who you are, and what do you feel.
Who reads your first letter and this last one, surely he's going to notice changes, ( from genderless to demigirl)
Well, the confusion still exists, but not like before,
It was a matter of reordering thrown cards and key words around you, gathering them to solve the puzzle ( the issue, gender dysphoria).
I want to say I'm glad that my assumptions were pretty touching the point. ( you lean to feel yourself a woman more than a man)
I haven't brought it from anywhere, I just extracted it from your declarations.
Before I touch an other keys from your letter I want to add that:
- the clarified points ( sexual desire, sexual arousal) and their meaning for you were very helpful and important to figure out the situation.
Starting by the first key, it was about percentage you introduced regarding the feminine and male side in your sex identify. (65 to 70%) feel like woman. Here there's no key, the key is in the 30% percent that HATES your female identity.
That wants the male gender, feels like "alien", " dummy".
What caused that 30% remaining!! The identity of the alien inside you, as we know aliens are extraterrestrial beings, a dummy is a thing, is "it" it is not a he nor she.
Somehow you run away from your female gender to an other shelter, why we do run away?? Usually When we want to stop a pain.
You are a dummy! an alien!! Deep inside you without u notice or u know why, you kinda punishing yourself, punishing your female gender, denying it from existing!, it is like you tell yourself u don't deserve to be a woman, or you are tired to be a woman,....I'm not sure.
So the issue and its solution may be both centralized in the 30% remained.
Second key: when u wanted a boyfriend, you became more feminine, but u didn't act spontaneously, u were forced to play the role!
U BECAME more FEMININE, but your instincts and female skills have been dissipated! It is like a powerful hand has covered them! Or confiscated them!
when u liked a girl you limited yourself to "receive".
Here I don't know if you were talking about lesbian side in you, or the male gender in you with other female,
Or you touched a submissive side in your sexual fantasies.
The third key: why you refuse doing your analysis blood to see the hormones levels? Knowing that this test is just an ordinary procedure and even much easier than attending therapy session, they both work out for your benefit. Obviously here there's an Oedipus complex and sensitivity towards this point.
-The human body is a mixture and interplay between two systems, the psychological system, and the biological one (physical). And understanding the relation between them, and their roles certainly is important to deal with any physical and mental issue.
I think that there's a psychological element besides CSA in your childhood, effected negatively on your sexual function, and since you still not willing to do your blood test for hormones level, so the biological element isn't revealed,
Talking about specialists in therapy, it will be very helpful to you to have one, but you have to choose what kind of therapist you may have.
I suggest to see sexologist, to make sure if there is a biological or organic problem that caused your gender dysphoria and effected on your sexual desire, (ldescribing
And to see psychosexual therapist, and psychologist,
They are professionals, and they have there methods and techniques that could reveal the accumulated and stocked experiences deep inside you, and of course, bring with you your letters, they are very interesting and pretty much accurate and describing your issue.
Lets say that you don't suffer from gender dysphoria anymore, and the percentage that you gave is very accurate with your situation.
Obviously you are divided into two genders, oftentimes 70% woman, and sometimes 30% alien, or dummy. (It).
The question is: since you know who you are, what do you want to be? Which gender do you want to belong?.
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Default Jan 04, 2020 at 04:58 AM
  #10
Hello Vanaheimr,
Thank you for still talking with me and pointing out such interesting questions and points.
And thank you for guiding me and helping me finding my own answers. You’re so good at it! Are you a therapist?

- First key: Running from my female gender?
Im not sure what caused it. It may be jealousy for my younger brother getting attention, it may be because from very young age i found it easier to identify with the main character in cartoons or movies and it usually was a boy… and the CSA undoubtedly made me hate my feminine body, especially my breasts, but i hated them even before because i never wanted to grow up to start with. Kisses, breasts, period, earrings/make up/dresses, sex… they were all signs of growing up and i hated it. I was convinced that grownups come to lose something when leaving their childhood, become kind of superficial, so i never wanted to leave mine. And i think theres an aestetic part of this too. I loved that kind of genderless body, flat everywhere… never really caring about how to dress or how i’ll be seen. I could just be.
Then, the other mile stones that usually kids long for when they want to grow up, were unwanted burdens to me.

I was scared of my first kiss, not longing for it… and when it happened, the first real one, i tried to cancel it from my memory and the “second first” more “mature” one, when i was 18 (so late!) was horrible and disgusting to me. I didnt even love that boy, i just wanted to do it and be done with it. Next kisses werent any better. I have always hated kissing.

I was a late bloomer in my body too. Often i think its because my mind wasnt ready and my body followed it. I loved having a flat chest. When i started to notice something was growing under my skin, i wanted to cut it off… when i realized i couldnt, i postponed using a bra for as long as i could so that i could tell myself i still didnt need it… while maybe i did. Also my breasts started to grow later than average age… i was so ashamed of it and didnt want to wear clothes that would make it notice, i actually did the opposite, trying to hide it with large clothes. I still do this to this day.

My first period arrived late too. I never wanted it to come, but at a certain age (15,5) i started wondering if there was anything wrong with my body if i could ever had kids and when i started to worry about it, it came. I was both relieved and hated it.

Earrings and jewelry… since i could choose, i chose not to wear any. I couldnt stand the idea of deforming my body for appearance, in order to appear better, more feminine, more “beautiful”… i still dont have my ears pierced and i doubt i ever will. Jewelry… only for special occasions and very simple ones… otherwise i dont wear anything.
Make up and dresses? Same… only for very special occasions and more often than not, not even in those occasions. I have bought a couple of high heel shoes but barely worn them. I cant even walk with those things on my feet!!!

And sex… never really wanted it… it was something that i knew i had to do, but just to be able to tell myself i have done it, i know what it is and i wont die virgin. I was very scared of it, so i chose the most patien guy for my first time that arrived after my 30’s. sometimes i must admit it was good but most of the times i forced myself to do it and i was constantly looking for excuses not to do it and ways to make it last as less as possible. As i said, i highlt prefer masturbation to sex. I dont think i’ll ever have sex again. Sometimes im intrigued by lesbian sex, but acting on it… no!!!

- You said: (running from gender) to stop pain…. Not sure what kind of pain… You said to punish yourself, deny your female gender exists… that i dont deserve to be a woman???
This doesnt resonate with me at all. being a woman is not something i would deserve, its something i was imposed to. If i were free to choose, i would stay in a kid’s body forever. Of all the things that happen when you grow up, i hate them all. physically, mentally, everything. Being kids is so much easier. Well, maybe not really… i suffered a lot as a kid, but ideally… yes id like to stay a kid forever. Elementary school age… in summer with no school… maybe in an easier family… maybe even younger than elemantary school age. Or maybe im idealizing it too much now...

- Second key: sex.
It is something i dont feel inside. It didnt come out easily playing the female role and im sure it would be harder playing the male role… i just dont think i have any female or male instinct about sex. As for “receiving” with girls i meant i enjoyed giving more meaning to casual kind and friendly touches on arms, shoulders, back and head from girls i kind of liked or idealized. Its not about gender or sex. Its about enjoying the touch of a person (not caring about the gender) i idealized. I dont think im straight or lesbian, i think im asexual. (and aromantic).

- Third key: tests
as i said i think it would be too shameful for me to ask such blood analysis. I dont want anyone to know i have doubts or issues or curiosity about gender stuff. This is a my thing only. Not even the doctor i want to know. And here (italy), you cant have tests without medical prescription, so i should have to ask my doc and i wont do that. I dont even think its necessary. Yes, id be a little curious, but necessary? Not at all. As i said im not struggling much because of all of this i accept the cards i was given and try to play them the best possible way. Im just curious and feel like defining myself. Just for me, not for anyone else.

- What do you want to be?
Nice question! But i have nothing to decide, just accept what i feel when i feel it. Knowing theres a part of me that doesnt like and wouldnt want to be a woman… this is quite well done with what im doing now… not romantically/sexually interested in anybody and wearing sporty clothes and just try to be me without caring much of how im seen from others or what id like others to see of me.

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Default Jan 10, 2020 at 12:29 AM
  #11
Hello sinking,
Thank you for your new letter,
This last letter I felt it pretty determined in the context from the last ones, I don't know why, may be there was no other suitable answer for my last keys,
Before I start giving you my statement, I want to say thank you for your compliment, you said am I therapist? Well, I'm not, in fact wish I was one, so I could deal with my own issues!
Do u know that the establisher of the modern psychology (Sigmund Freud) he died after committed suicide.
I'm just an amateur, not comparing with Freud, only comparing with a therapist. A therapist is professional, has techniques, scientific method and oriented way and steps to deal with his patient.
The context of your new letter was different, at a least for me, you didn't touch the alien identity, and the male identity, well the male identity hasn't been touched a while ago by you, that's why I primarily concluded that you were leaning to the female identity,
So in your previous letter u declared that 65 to 70% feels woman, and the rest remaining feels like alien.
The new context was revealing, facts, ( you want to be a kid) that's why you hated your biological signs of growing up and you still hide them, revealed also accumulated experiences u said them before, it was in your childhood, for sure the experiences that u had in past have big influence on your gender dysphoria,
Since the biological element is still absent, I can tell that your childhood plays a role, ( family interference, CSA, environment, cartoons....)
I can tell that I found no keys this time, everything was clear to me,
You are a demigirl ( demigender classification) and you are a gender fluid within the genderqueer category,
You are existing in a way that may not align with heterosexual or homosexual norms. According to your sexual orientation, and your physical aspect that you want to have,
You are falling in between, and among one gender category woman and alien, you are fluid, meaning it can shift and change at any given time.
Usually genderqueer persons are fluid between two gender categories ( woman and man)
U said before there would be case you need (boyfriend, hubby, kids) the question is: in your current case ( you don't need anybody mode) you wear comfy sporty, no jewelry...are you an alien in this mode ( a brain inside casual body)?
Clearly you are gender fluid between woman and alien, so I think that the biological factor influences on you,
My second question is: what are the moments you are 70% woman, and moments 30% alien?
My third question: since you don't care how people looks at you, sees you, or may think of you when you wear comfy and you hide your breasts....coz no matter u do you can't hide your feminine aspect, so what makes you feel ashamed to ask for blood hormones test? How come you don't care how people may think of you and you care about what the doctors may think of you when you ask for blood hormones test?. Let's claim your blood test reveals that your body contains testosterone level higher than estrogen (female hormone) level,
Would you feel shy that the doctor may think for example ( look at this freak! Or what a lady-boy is this one!!!)?
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Default Jan 16, 2020 at 02:12 PM
  #12
Thank you Vanaheimr for answering and still talking with me.

i've been thinking about answering and what answering you but im in a weird moment of my life now, when i feel im done talking about myself. at least for a while.

but if you feel like talking and sharing something about you, here on the forum or with me through PMs, i'll be here for you… and PMs are welcome anytime. i may not be as wise and educated as you, but i can be a good listener, i think…

i'll keep this thread in mind anyway, and maybe will eventually add stuff and answer…

Thank you again, all the best to you and anyone else reading this

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Default Jan 16, 2020 at 07:09 PM
  #13
I'm glad that I contributed a small efforts to get to help you understanding who you are and to find tools that may help u solve your issue or at a least reducing its pain and its confusion,
This web site is a good space for exchanging experiences and learn from them,
I'm not that wise, I'm always searching, may be the need is the mother of invention, and the curiosity is the mother of the knowledge,
I'm ready to help you and to answer your question and to listen.
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