I've been confused about my gender, can I get some help?

Hi there! As the title says, I've been feeling really confused about my gender identity as of late and would really appreciate some help. I'd especially appreciate it if some NB people saw this and were willing to help, but if you're not NB and have something to say go ahead! Honestly any feedback would be nice lol

And I'd appreciate it if feedback was gentle and nonjudgmental!

Some terms in case anyone reading this is unfamiliar with them:
AFAB: Assigned Female At Birth
PCOS: Polycystic Ovary Syndrome

Now, onto the meat of the issue:

I'm AFAB and have always felt pretty comfortable identifying as female. I very much like being perceived as female and being referred to as "she/her." Sure, because of my sexuality (it's complicated) I often wish I had different genitals, but that's not a big deal. But I've also felt this weird disconnect from my gender. I don't feel it all the time, but sometimes, when I really think about my gender, I get this disconnected feeling. If anyone here has experienced derealization before, it's sort of like that. More specifically, the feeling of a "film" between yourself and the world. It's like that, but with gender.

Another issue is that I have PCOS, which means that my testosterone levels are higher than the average AFAB person would typically have, causing me to have some more masculine traits. To be honest, I've even wanted to go for another blood test to see what my testosterone levels are. My original blood tests for diagnosis of PCOS had that information, but they get discarded after about a year, and it's been a few years. But yeah, because of the masculine traits, I often don't feel "feminine enough." But then that leads us to the issue of "am I genderqueer or do I just not perfectly fit into society's mould of what a girl is?"

I've been thinking that, if I'm not a girl, I'm a demigirl. But I am AFAB and don't really feel a connection with masculinity. I mean, maybe I do? I don't know, I definitely don't feel a connection with the stereotypical macho, beer-loving, tough idea of masculinity. I MAYBE feel a WEAK connection with "soft" masculinity, but that's doubtful at best.

I know that AFAB demigirls are valid and all that, but what if I'm just a confused cis girl invading the genderqueer space? But at the same time, thinking of myself as a demigirl feels... good. Satisfying.

I've been thinking about this a lot as of late, and it's been kind of stressful. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm sure that there's more to say, but I can't remember, if that's the case.

Thank you to anyone who's read this far! I hope you all have a lovely day

Thanks for sharing this. Realistically there's nothing I can offer with regard your concerns. But I thought I would simply leave a quick reply letting you know I read your post. I read most posts here on PC related to gender identity because, although I'm an old man now, I've had a life-long struggle with my own gender identity. Hopefully there will yet be other PC members who will have some insights they can share. My best wishes to you...

Thank you, I really appreciate it! I've been thinking of talking to my sister about it, since she also has PCOS and might have some insight on the issue

It sounds like you've had a lot of struggles with your gender identity, but have finally found one that fits you the most! At least, that's what I gathered from your message—I apologize if I misinterpreted it! But if that is the case, I'm really happy to hear you've discovered who you are!

Hi! I was really surprised to see that 90% of what you've written matches up with what I'm struggling with as well. I'm 17, AFAB with PCOS and have been very confused about my identity as of late.

When I was a child, I behaved more like a boy than a girl, refused to wear anything feminine and wanted to play soccer with boys on the playground. I hated how my mother complained when I wanted toys "meant for boys" and watching cartoons "also for boys" or whatever supposedly gender assigned thing there is for a child to enjoy.

Now that I say it, it sounds a little dumb, because I strongly believe colors, sports, entertainment or clothes shouldn't be gender specific, but at the time I was proud of enjoying "boy things" more, because I was raised to believe that such a thing exists.

In middle school, I hated the color pink with a passion, and didn't care about what I would wear and tried to come off as more masculine than I was. However, I kept my hair super long because I had a weird fear of cutting it.

Now, in my late teens, I freely express what I like and have found that my peers don't care about gender assigned things and are happy to announce that they too like the same things I do, for example.
However, even with all that in mind, after all the time I've spent living as a girl, I suddenly feel fairly disconnected from my gender as well, as if I'm not supposed to be who I naturally am. I desire to be more physically neutral. I've come to realize I wouldn't be suited for a boy either and seldom experience gender and body dysphoria that fuels my anxiety and depressed state.

The demigirl term brought a smile to my face, because, to an extent, I feel a disconnection from the term 'gender' as a whole. Currently I go by she/they pronouns, but am referred to as a she because my native language doesn't have a singular they, unfortunately.
Following that, I tried to talk about it with my mom once a few years ago, but was brought to tears with her misunderstanding and her inability to grasp such a topic. I don't blame her for it, as she managed to accept all my other queer friends (in terms of their sexuality, which she really tries to act normal upon.) She even understands the concept of a transgender person, which I do know quite a few of, but introducing someone 'genderqueer' or 'non-binary' might be too much for someone that was raised with difficult parents during war and inflation.
My father, on the other hand, doesn't really try to make any sense of it, and queer people are essentially just weirdos to him, but, frankly, he doesn't exactly care or bring anyone down, so it's fine.

I was also confused about my romantic interests many times, but I just went with 'if you like them, that's fine' and made myself gender blind in that regard. I won't elaborate on sexuality, because I believe I have problems with sexual aversion, so I wouldn't know, but I see you have that figured out, so that's good!

Anyway, usually, the advice I give to people with this problem is to not think about it too much and be the way that feels right to them. Dress how you like, behave how you like, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone and makes you feel good and accepted in your own body.
Sometimes it's very difficult, as of writing, I feel it hard to act upon my own piece of advice, but, hang on, and if you need to, talk to a trusted friend or see a good therapist.

Thank you for sharing all of this, I'm glad I'm not alone in any of this. I wish you all well