Masturbation replacing intimate contact

Im a healthy 55 year old straight guy, married, kids, grandkids etc. Ive experienced something the last few years that has me very concerned. Its convoluted but Ill try and break it down briefly.

I married my second wife 25 years ago, a sweet young woman just out of highschool. The age difference was a concern to many but not us. We raised my kids from my previous marriage, got her through college, supported each others careers and eventually had kids of our own. We are great friends, great partners and for all appearances very happy. But...

Early in our relationship she showed signs of low lebido. I pursued her incessantly but fearing it would become a problem I never pushed hard. We talked about it openly and essentially accepted that we would have to deal with that incompatability and for many years, we did. I kept my sexual advances to a minimum and she in turn complied on the rare occasions when I presented them.

In between I maintained an active practice of regular masturbation. She knew about it and understood and it was never a real problem between us, nor is it now but personally something occurred along the way. Over time I required a more and more powerful stimuli, seaking sexy images and then actual pornography and eventually more deviant fantasies. This was so gradual I really didnt notice but recently I have come to discover that without these images, at least in my head if nowhere else, the idea of generic sex just doesnt arouse me in the least. My wife hasnt complained but has noticed I havent asked for sex in almost two years and frankly, as things are right now, I dont see that I will ever again.

Ive talked to he a bit about the possibility of livening up our sexual encounters but she is a devout christian and very, very conservative where such things are concerned and believes its quite enough for the wife to make herself available to her husband's needs, participation and anything erotic is just not a consideration. The look I got when I suggested anything out of the ordinary (using toys, watching pornography, chatting online while having sex etc.) was truly horrifying and cured me of such notions for good.

So here I am, 55 and progressively slipping down the slope of having to relieve myself by an increasingly erotic diet of sexual fantasy and in doing so I am eliminating any chance of normal sexual relations with my wife. On one occasion, recently, she actually invited some attention (first time thats happened in 20 years and I believe caused by her notice of my lack of interest) and I was unable to perform. The idea of generic missionary sex in the dark just holds no interest for me whatsoever. I finished her off manually and she was mildly satisfied but obviously disappointed I wasn't able to climax. She felt
unattractive and undesirable and was hurt... which is the last thing I want.

So what do I do? Im not sure how to reset my own sexual preferences and somehow make sex with her exciting again, not when compared to the erotic imaginings of a decade or more. She is not likely, not lets just say its an impossibility, that she will ever agree to set aside her inhibitions and get adventurous. So it appears to me we are doomed, eventually the truth will come out and the effect that will have on us may well end our marriage. Help?

I'm sorry I don't think I have useful advice to offer you. To me it sounds as though the difficulties you (as well as your wife) are having are things the two of you are going to have to find solutions for via open & honest communication. And if that is something the two of you cannot accomplish on your own then perhaps the help of a couples therapist is something that should be considered?

Here are links to a dozen articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

How Pornography Can Hurt Your Sex Life

Does Watching Porn Affect Intimate Relationships? (Part One: Men)

The What and How of True Intimacy

Sexuality and Marital Intimacy

Tips to Restore Sexual Intimacy

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/heali...in-a-marriage/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healt...le-over-fifty/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/healt...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/9-step...n-today/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/lib/marriag...-does-it-work/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-on...-relationship/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/7-reaso...ge-counseling/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I would think that a sex therapist could be helpful to you.

I recommend choosing one certified by the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists. Here is a locator:

Locate a Professional | AASECT:: American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists

My general thought would be that weaning yourself from the powerful stimuli over a period of time would be well worth considering.

I hope your situation improves, RG. My SO goes through periods of very low libido and I just have to wait it out with him. On the other hand, my libido has always been very strong. I've gotten use to periods of keeping myself entertained. Being a stereotypical woman, I'm not quite as visually stimulated, but I have a good imagination and use a lot of visualization. I've also acquired a number of toys. It's been difficult to talk to him about it too. He comes from a Catholic background and nobody in his upbringing ever talked about that. So, when he comes back around, it's usually awkward and I don't get much enjoyment at first because I'm so use to doing it myself and knowing what I want.

So, I really empathize and wish you well in your journey.

I’m in the same boat, just a little further out to sea.

FWIW-
I’m 50ish, and went to the urologist about some orgasm issues and low libido. Found out it was common in men my age. So I was prescribed a daily med. This has elevated my ease to be aroused back to the way it was when I was in my teens. I should have gone years ago.

Also-
I’ve been married 30+years and love my wife, but she has always been controlling and manipulative. I was the giver and she the taker. I awoke from my situation when I quite accidentally met, then fell in love with and eventually had an affair with a young lady half my age that has lasted 4 years. It was liberating and made me realize how wonderful loving relationships can be. With her I had emotional first and sexual fulfillment second. Sadly, we are parting ways amicably. I find that I do not have any fulfillment emotionally with my wife and sex is boring.

I have just recently thought about exploring sexual activities I would have never considered in the past. I may be in some sort of midlife crisis, but I don’t want have regrets.

i am sorry to hear after a long fruitful relationship you are both no longer satisfied or fulfilling each other. It happens and hopefully you aren't blaming each other. It may be time for both of you to just move on your separate ways. That's what can happen when neither party can change for the other. Should you either really have to? Good luck to you both in finding happiness fulfillment and contentment. Of course you both could always go the therapy route.

Thanks for the thoughts. I’m in divorce proceedings currently. It wasn’t my choice. I offered an alternative including mutual counseling but it fell on deaf ears. So far life has been drama free and I am looking forward to moving on.

That is a very sad story. If you are already full steam ahead in divorce then I wish you luck. I would recommend quitting pornography all together for a year before pursuing another woman. When you no longer require any pornography at all, go ahead and look for a woman who is more adventurous! I wouldn't recommend, though, looking for someone who is in to extreme forms of sex like you see in porn. Those are actors, and the reality of it is much darker than it appears. I recommend you do a search for "no-fap" and at least give it a try with an open mind. Good luck!