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3l14n3
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Trig Mar 30, 2020 at 01:26 PM
  #1
Hello, so I have a few questions about the way sexual abusers behave and think, I read some articles about the way they perceive the world around them and I have some doubts:
Can a sexual abuser know that they are a sexual abuser?, people say you cannot be a psychopath if you think and fear you are one and I wonder if this is the same for abusers since they show a narcissistic personality and sometimes psychotic behaviors.
Is harming the ultimate and main objective of sexual abusers or are there exceptions? Can a sexual abuser behave they way they do without intentions of harming or feeling superior?
How do you distinguish when you have and obsession (for example romantic obsesions with a person) or is just a normal way of thinking?
Could a person have all the traits of an abuser but not becoming one?
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Default Mar 31, 2020 at 05:50 AM
  #2
That is a pretty broad question. I had a class on sex abuse and attended a seminar on preferential sex offenders and I learned that abusers come in all shapes and sizes with a variety of motives. Many times, inflicting harm is a main objective, but also power and control can be a motivator. In some cases, those who were abused become abusers themselves. In these cases it's possible that an intent to harm or feel superior is not a primary motivator. From what I learned, many do know that they are abusers, but find some way to rationalize the behavior. The victim deserved it. I'm making the victim tougher. I'm teaching the victim how to be an adult. In one of my classes, we got to interview a preferential sex offender and he said rationalization was how he survived emotionally. He knew it was wrong on some level, but he would often communicate with like minded people and they would justify their abuse. I think it's possible to have abusive traits and not offend. Some refrain from the behavior out of fear of the consequences. Others may have overriding traits that suppress the abusive ones. I wrote one of my graduate theses on workplace bullying and violence and an organization must have powerful and consistent consequences for bullying and abusive behavior. Some people, especially the ones lacking a conscience, only respond to consequences. There is no inner voice telling them to stop the abusive behavior.

On distinguishing an obsession vs. normal thinking, I am actually going through that right now with a friend. I've been commenting on the BPD thread on that. I think the defining line is functional vs. dysfunctional. A "normal way of thinking" would tend more towards a mutual sense of attraction where the other person is consenting and the attraction is at least somewhat balanced. Also, you should be able to spend time apart and still be able to function normally. In contrast, I can easily draw attention to my friend, who has been obsessive towards me for about eight months now.

Looking at it from his perspective, he:
- thinks about me nearly every waking moment of his existence
- declares that he cannot live without me and is bored and worthless when I'm not around
- sends me hundreds of texts, emails, videos and voicemails per day, all day, even throughout the night. A significant portion of these are highly sexually explicit with sexual demands.
- has shown unstable and uncontrollable behavior when I reject him or deflect his demands. This includes threats and actual self harm and suicidal ideation. He goes from "lovey dovey" to enraged to sobbing and back to giggling in a few hours.
- makes unreasonable demands that I dress and behave a certain way and that I cut ties with all male friends and with most female friends and all of my family so that I would be solely dependent upon him.
- displays a complete lack of empathy for my needs and my perspective.
- has an increasing level of conflict with his family over his behavior concerning me. He was fired by his father over his uncontrollable behavior when he threw a tantrum over me.
- makes demands that I take care of him financially, emotionally and physically and that I devote 100% of my time and attention to him.
- is unable to process rejection to any degree. I've told him that I do not find him physically attractive at all.
- is unable to view the situation with any sort of logic or coherent thought process. I tried to reason with him that any relationship would be fraught with peril and that the disparity between our lives is so great that such a relationship would likely be doomed from the outset. He is broke, unemployed, uneducated, out of shape, lacking in any real skill and at best, average looking. He's been told by mutual friends that he should find someone who is at least in his league. He counters any logic with how lucky he is that a guy like him scored such a trophy girlfriend.

So, essentially, the line is drawn where he cannot function normally in society due to singular and overpowering thoughts about one person or their behavior as it relates to that person is harmful to that person or themselves.

I hope that helps.

Regards, Alice
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3l14n3
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Default Apr 02, 2020 at 12:44 AM
  #3
Thank you for your answer, it was really good and actually answered my questions. Hope that issue with your friend ends soon.
My best wishes
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