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Default Apr 02, 2020 at 11:49 AM
  #1
Hi, I'm new to this forum and I've really only joined for help with this problem, so I didn't feel that making an introduction post was necessary. I'm a teenager in highschool with a girlfriend that I've been dating for almost a year and a half now and I'm really in love with her. We plan to one day get married and have a life together and I really want that for us.

Our relationship, however, hasn't been the healthiest for a variety of reasons. One of the biggest ones is a fetish I have. It makes me attracted to larger women, weight gain, tight clothes, and body parts that people aren't usually attracted to like stomachs, rolls, double chins, really anything of that nature. I'm not proud of this fetish at all and I want to get rid of it for myself and for her. I should note that I do not actively indulge in this fetish. I have quit masturbation and looking at anything relating to my fetish for her, which is something that I already had been trying to do, but I continuously failed as I had developed an addiction to it. Seeing how much it upset her, however, was the motivation it took to get me to stop. I'm scared that if I were to lose her over this that I would go back to doing these things, which is not what I want for myself. I still have thoughts and get turned on by people or things I see unintentionally, which is extremely upsetting to her, especially when I think about her in ways that she doesn't like.

But anyway, this part of me is extremely difficult for my girlfriend to deal with and although she has stuck with me and dealt with a lot, she's said that if I can't find a way to get rid of this fetish that she has to leave me. I understand why she feels this way as this fetish has caused a lot of tears for her and it makes her feel very bad about herself when I look at her or think about her in certain ways. Besides that, she also feels like she can't talk to me about issues that may trigger my fetish which is hard for her as well because I can't be there for her when she needs me sometimes. I don't want to hurt her anymore because of this and I would like to get rid of it for myself as well. I have to ask, is there anyway I can truly get rid of this? I can't exactly go to a sex therapist or anything, as I'm a teenager, so I've had to resort to Google for answers, and it didn't seem very promising. I don't want to keep seeing answers that say that I should accept it and find someone who accepts me because I can't do anything. I've seen enough of that and I can't accept it. I love this girl so much and I don't want to lose her to this. I will provide any other details necessary to help. Thank you.
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Default Apr 03, 2020 at 01:35 AM
  #2
Welcome, dytikos! Hopefully, you'll be able to find some help here. Sometimes something as simple as being able to talk about an issue freely will provide some solutions. So, got some questions for you: roughly when did you first start noticing you had this fetish? Was it something always there, nibbling at the edges of your mind when you saw it until it actually bloomed? Do/did you watch porn and develop it after you started consuming porn?

Also, why do you feel shame when you partake in your fetish? Do you feel shame FOR your fetish, or is it shame over the lengths you'll go to in order to satisfy it?

Finally, to me it sound like a lot of this is wrapped up in your relationship. Is this your first serious relationship? Why do you suppose this upsets her? To you it might seem obvious, but sometimes just trying to puzzle it through aloud helps move the puzzle pieces into place and make the picture a bit more clear.

I'm going to be quite frank with you. If this truly is a fetish, you'll almost certainly do yourself (and in turn your love) more harm than good by trying to suppress or eradicate it. However, you can certainly manage fetishes. Also, if your fetish does no actual harm to anyone, and everyone involved consents, then there is nothing to be ashamed of. To share a little, I've a fetish for bondage. I first noticed it when I was a kid without recognizing it for what it was, but I came to understand what it was when I got older and was exposed to examples of it. At first, I was confused and even ashamed of it at first, but as I explored it further and tried to understand it better, I came to accept it and found ways to manage it. Nowadays, I rarely engage with it anymore (which is a pity) due to time and circumstantial constraints. But it is still very much a part of me and my sexual side, and does me absolutely no harm. However, if I were to let my desire for it control me, that could very easily lead to actions I SHOULD be ashamed of (for example, forcing my fetish on an unwilling subject). I hope that makes sense. And granted, my fetish doesn't have the same stigma yours does around it, and yours carries different risks, but they are similar in principle.

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Default Apr 03, 2020 at 01:57 AM
  #3
Also, I found a couple articles that you might find helpful in trying to understand what you've got on your hands, and perhaps some means of handling it. Fetishistic Disorder | Psychology Today To help understand the line between harmless fetish and a fetish disorder.
This one to provide some ideas for what handling it might look like. How to Handle Your Kink - Jessica Wildfire - Medium

At some point, you WILL have to find a way to communicate with your partner about this. The key to any healthy relationship is to be able to have open and honest communication between the parties involved. But it always helps if you have a good grasp on the subject you're trying to discuss, all the better to articulate your position and perspective. If she values the relationship, she too will need to be prepared to communicate with you about this.

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Default Apr 04, 2020 at 01:42 AM
  #4
Looking back, there were signs of it throughout my childhood, before it was necessarily sexual. It started as just a fascination with things like my mother's stomach (who is a bit of a bigger woman) that I couldn't explain. And then later I remember looking at Google Images about a cartoon I liked and I saw a drawing that someone had made of a female character from the show, except that they were extremely obese. This gave me an erection, and I at the time, I had no clue what this meant. I spent a while trying to figure out what it meant and why it had happened and I eventually narrowed it down to larger women and then the specifics later on I guess. So I would say that this has been present inside of me from a young age and unfortunately not something I planted into myself from viewing weird porn.

Your second set of questions are a bit more difficult to answer. It's been a while since I indulged my fetish so I'm not sure what to say. In my most recent memories of doing so, I didn't feel any shame while doing the acts. I was more ashamed of my addiction to masturbation at the time, but that's a whole different issue... I did feel a lot of shame, however, when telling my girlfriend about it. She was actually sort of accepting when I first began to share details with her, but as I told her more and more of the thoughts I had, things that turned me on, things I masturbated to, etc. she grew less and less accepting until the point we're at now where she's told me that she hates that part of me and feels that she can't love all of me. That sounds bad on her but I understand her completely for feeling that way and I'll explain it in a second. I believe I am ashamed by the lengths I've gone to fulfill my fetish. I didn't choose to be attracted to the things that I am, but I do have a choice of whether I indulge in them, especially to things that would upset people if they found out (as has happened with my girlfriend multiple times).

Yes, this is my first serious relationship. It upsets her for a few reasons. First, the things that turn me on are things that she's struggled with and gone through a lot over throughout her life. She's struggled with body image issues for a long time and she finds me masturbating to and getting pleasure from things like that extremely disrespectful to her and others that deal with those issues every day. Second, I have had sexual thoughts about things relating to her, like her stomach and weight, that she is self conscious about. In our relationship, when she mentioned how she thought she had gained weight or felt fat, I often masturbated to these messages at least a few times, despite the fact that she was extremely upset and miserable over them. Third, my fetish has gotten in the way of our sex life. I used to mostly touch only her stomach when we made out, or even at other times, like at the movies. Not only did this do nothing for her sexually, but also made her uncomfortable and feel ignored as I was focusing more of my attention on this part of her than her as a whole. She asked me to touch her stomach less and my behavior didn't change very much, if at all, so she decided to stop letting me touch her stomach completely. Eventually, she let me do it again, but only sometimes. My focus again returned to her stomach and since then she doesn't let me touch her stomach at all, including outside of sexual situations. I understand why she has done this, as I couldn't control my behavior, despite how many times she asked me to stop. I feel really terrible for this and as a result, our interactions are changed forever. We can't even touch our stomachs when we hug anymore. So my fetish and my behavior involving it has been extremely upsetting for her. She has tried to starve herself many times before because of how self conscious I make her feel and she feels like she needs to work out and that she can't be happy with her body because of me. I love her body and I want her to love it too, but at this point, even me saying that I love her body is enough to make her feel self conscious.

After reading the articles you posted, I think I may have a legitimate fetish. I've always found myself unusual in the fact that I've never found porn arousing in any way at all, even involving the type of women that my fetish makes me attracted to. I didn't realize that may be because of my fetish. I also have much less of a sex drive than my girlfriend and I usually get tired and disinterested doing sexual things with her after a short amount of time (we haven't actually had sex, which I feel like I should clarify, despite my use of "sex life" and "sex drive"). This is also upsetting to her because she continues to want to do things after I get tired of it. I didn't think that that could be connected to my fetish and I really hope it's not.

It really means a lot that you not only cared to reply, but to also to write your replies so thoroughly. Thank you so much for replying to my post and taking time out of your day to help me.

I thought about your question about if I get shame from my fetish or my actions involving it and I've decided that I am actually ashamed of my fetish in itself as well. The thoughts I have and the way my body reacts to certain things upsets my girlfriend and that doesn't relate to my actions. I'm ashamed that I get turned on by things like that.

Last edited by bluekoi; Apr 04, 2020 at 05:28 PM.. Reason: merge posts
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Default Apr 07, 2020 at 03:21 AM
  #5
That's rough, man. You're very much in a bit of a predicament, and I feel for you. Alas, here's where my lack of experience and professional ability rears it's head, and I'm hoping someone who does have more knowledge/experience can step in with some suggestions, because I'm stumped. But maybe, we can try and break it down into it's key elements and work from there.

You have a fetish, of which you're ashamed, and which you struggle to control actions surrounding it.

You struggle with restraining your own desires during moments of intimacy, and this gets in the way or ruins the moment. This causes you shame, for your failure in restraint, and then shame for having the desire at all.

Your girlfriend does not share your fetish and is even repulsed by it, due to her own struggles in life and how they've shaped her perception of it, and because she feels like you care more about the fetish than her. She's given you an ultimatum demanding you stop having this fetish or she's ending the relationship.

Here's the harsh reality: there are elements in this over which you have no control. You have a fetish. Fetishes do not go away, much less are they willed away. For lack of a better description, they're hardwired into us (near as we can tell), we don't yet understand how or why, and any "remedies" I've heard of out there share more resemblance with North Korean re-education camps than actually helpful therapies. This is a part of you that you will have to come to terms with and accept before you'll be able to make real headway with managing it. This is the good news, though. Fetishes definitely can be managed, just like any desire or body function. If I may make a suggestion, something that I have found immensely helpful for me so far in my own struggles is trying to practice mindful awareness. It's difficult to explain, but I feel it might be helpful for you to incorporate some of the practices into your life to help you manage your fetish. The Meaning of Mindfulness and Awareness - How to Work with the Mind


But, there's another element you don't control (nor should you). Your girlfriend's reception of it. And I feel this is the most difficult element in all this. You can't make her share your fetish, much less enjoy it, and from the sounds of it, it will be a loooong time and much effort on her part in working through her own struggles before she could even tolerate it. And understandably so. If I'm reading between the lines correctly, she has struggled with and continues to struggle with her body weight and her self image as a result of that. She has developed an extremely negative view of obesity and especially any perception of herself being obese, so any reminder of that (like your fetish) brings up those negative feelings inside her. And on this front, I'm at a loss for helpful ideas or suggestions. Because these are problems that you can't address yourself. You can support her in her struggles (something one should always do for their relationships), help her work through them, but at the end of the day they're her struggles to fight through. You can suppress your fetish, for a while, to try and shield your relationship from her ultimatum. But it will always crop up again, in some way or another, and if she can't accept it... I don't have the capability to see how this would work out. I'm sorry, but this is my uneducated view of it.

I know this is not helpful right now, but you need someone far more knowledgeable to help you make sense of this and help you find a path forward. And if your relationship is to survive, your girlfriend needs to take an active part in that. But know this: I don't think you're wrong for wanting to keep your relationship, for trying to save it. So far in this discussion, all we've discussed is the big problem you're having in it, but this is not all relationships are made of, and I salute you for desiring to fix this problem for the salvation of the good in your relationship.

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Smile Apr 08, 2020 at 02:11 PM
  #6
Welcome to Psych Central, dytikos. I've been following what you & medievalbushman have written. (And, by the way, I think medievalbushman has done a remarkable job of replying to your posts. So I won't try to go back over territory that the two of you have thoroughly covered already.)

What I want to focus on is your relationship with your girlfriend. Just by way of reference I'll mention that I'm an old man & my wife & I have been married for almost 40 years. But at the same time, I've also waged a life-long struggle with my gender identity. It's a long story & I won't bore you with all of the details. But I managed to keep my gender identity issues (plus some other stuff I won't go into) a closely guarded secret for my entire life up until about a dozen years ago or so when my gender issues finally came awkwardly spilling out. And, since then, although my wife has been willing to accept what she has learned about me & move on, she really wants nothing to do with it. So we have sort-of a don't ask / don't tell policy going on here. I did see a therapist for a short time following my unfortunate disclosure. And while I was doing so it was so refreshing to have the chance to talk about things I had kept hidden literally for decades.

What I want to suggest to you, with regard to your relationship, is that this fetish situation (if that in fact is what it is) is something that may be with you in one way or another for a lifetime. These sorts of things can be like whack-a-mole. You stuff it down one way & the next thing you know it pops up again someplace else. So the question here, I think, is... is your love for your girlfriend, & her love for you, strong enough for the two of you to weather this together. This is not just your problem... or your gf's problem. It's both your problems. And, as medievalbushman has pointed out, you each own various aspects of it.

If it would come to pass the two of you do grow to adulthood & marry, your "fetish" (if in fact that is what it is) is just one of many hurtles the two of you are going to face throughout life. Having been married for almost 40 years now, I think I can say with some authority it takes an ocean liner's worth of compassion, forgiveness, understanding, & yes just downright stubbornness to keep a romantic relationship going for that length of time. So if your gf is ready to throw in the towel, so to speak, already over this one thing that does not, to my mind, bode well for your relationship, sad to say. But if the two of you can come together & own the problems you share together, then there is much in your relationship to be hopeful about.

I know you mentioned you can't see a sex therapist. But I'm not sure a sex therapist is what is really called for here at this point anyway. To my mind, perhaps what is needed is something more along the lines of a couples counselor (or therapist)… someone who can work with the two of you to learn how to handle your mutual problem (your "fetish" as well as your gf's weight-related concerns.) This is not simply YOUR problem, or your gf's problem. It's a relationship problem the two of you share & need to learn to resolve. The question is, really, do you love one another enough to do what you need to do to stay together. Only you & your girlfriend know the answer to that question.

Here are links to 4 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of communication within relationships as well as on the secrets of happy couples:

9 Steps to Better Communication Today
oth.

5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage

The 10 Secrets of Happy Couples

The Secrets of Great Relationships

My best wishes to you both.

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Default Apr 09, 2020 at 10:57 PM
  #7
I'm coming to accept that there may be no "getting rid of" this fetish entirely, but I would still like to do everything in my power to control it to a level that's tolerable for my girlfriend. Mindfulness seems promising and like it could help me to control my thoughts and urges, which has been a big part of this situation. Thank you for suggesting that, medievalbushman. I'm hoping that I'll be able to find multiple methods for managing this fetish or parts of it, like the thoughts, urges, looking at things I happen to see, etc.

I feel myself having varying levels of acceptance over my fetish. Sometimes I get no urges to partake in it and I would like to get rid of it and feel purer, I guess, while other times I get turned on and think back to things I used to masturbate to and get urges. Sometimes the urges get to the point where I feel a part of me that wants to be single just so I can masturbate and feed my fetish again. I feel guilty for that. My girlfriend means a lot more to me than my fetish and masturbation and I shouldn't ever want to leave her. During times when I don't have any urges, I am glad that my girlfriend doesn't accept my fetish, as I don't either. But when I do have urges, I don't feel shame or dislike for my fetish, and I'm more inclined to accept it. As I stated in my first post, we have had a lot of problems during our relationship, and we still are dealing with them. We've been very close to breaking up multiple times over several different things, and one of the more recent times was over my feelings about my fetish. She said that she couldn't stay with someone who thinks the things I think about or find attractive are okay, so she would only stay if I promised that if we one day broke up, I wouldn't go back to masturbating and partaking in my fetish. I've noticed that my periods of urges often seem to happen around near-breakups, as maybe that part of me feels like it will be "free" soon, and I start to think about masturbating and my fetish again. Anyway, because of the urges, I struggled to promise for a while, but I eventually reached a state of mind where I could think clearly and I realized how much more she means to me than a stupid fetish, so I promised. The problem, however, is that I don't stay in this clear state of mind all of the time. When I get urges again, I begin to doubt my ability or desire to hold up that promise, which she knows about and finds upsetting, not only because of my desire to embrace my fetish, but also to break the promise.

I don't see my girlfriend accepting my fetish or changing her feelings on it anytime soon, which, medievalbushman, includes "tolerating" it. Based on both of your replies, it seems that I haven't described the situation well enough to accurately represent my girlfriend's position in it. Although she probably would like to lose weight (like many others, I'm sure), that's not really a primary goal for her. I think she would much rather be happy in her own body and feel accepted, which my fetish does anything but. You say that I should support her in her struggles, but she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing that with me, as it probably would turn me on and give me urges, as much as I want to help her and be there for her. And there is one detail I’ve left out until now that is probably more important than I thought. My girlfriend suffers from depression and I think that plays a big part in the situation as well. The fact that I can’t always be there for her is a big issue for her, as she feels a need to be more or less dependent on one person at a time and she wants to be able to talk to me about everything. I also haven’t accurately shared the effect that my fetish and other problems in our relationship have had on my girlfriend either.
Possible trigger:
I should probably go into those as well. Throughout our whole relationship, I’ve made a lot of mistakes and done a lot of things that upset her. I have lied a lot, broken promises, not shown her that I care, not gone out of my way to make her feel special, among other things. I personally feel like she has helped me to change a lot as a person and I am as honest as I can be now, but I still upset her a lot in many ways, including failing to keep promises and making her feel special. I am not a good boyfriend and I never have been. She has given me so many chances and I still haven’t changed my ways enough to make her not miserable all of the time. And the thing is that I could change. If I really applied myself and tried with everything in me, I know I’m capable of being better. But I just haven’t so many times. And why do I do that? I’m making the love of my life hurt herself and want to kill herself because I’m just lazy? Am I this awful of a person? She deserves so much more than all of this and I don’t understand myself.

Well at this point, this thread may as well not even belong in Sexual and Gender Issues anymore. I’m not sure what to do now. I don’t know how to add spoiler warnings either, so I hope a mod can do that on the self harm and suicide triggers. Thank you two for the help.

Last edited by atisketatasket; Apr 10, 2020 at 09:25 AM.. Reason: added triggers
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Smile Apr 10, 2020 at 03:14 PM
  #8
Thanks for the additional information. Should you want to consider starting a new thread that is more focused on the relationship between yourself & your girlfriend, the Relationships & Communication forum might be a place to do that. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

One thing you can always do here on PC, if you're uncertain as to whether or not something you want to post on is appropriate for posting in a particular forum, is to personal message one of the moderators of that forum asking for their advice.

I have to say that, having read your most recent post, it sounds as though your fetish (if in fact that is what it is) is just one part of a complex relationship situation. And it sounds as though seeing a mental health therapist of her own would be an excellent idea for your gf if she's not already doing so. Personally I don't know as there is a lot I think I can say about all of this. I think the two of you are really in need of professional mental health services as individuals &, perhaps, as a couple as well. The reality of your relationship may be that, before you can work constructively on your relationship, each of you are going to have to come to terms with your individual problems if there is some way the two of you can do that. Assuming you're both in school, perhaps you could start by talking with a school counselor if there is one? (You wouldn't need to bring up the fetish thing... just talk about your relationship issues in general.)

At the end of your most recent reply you wrote: "And the thing is that I could change. If I really applied myself and tried with everything in me, I know I’m capable of being better. But I just haven’t so many times. And why do I do that?" You know... we all feel that way about ourselves. If we just knuckled down & did what we believe we "should" do, or "could" do, everything could be so much better. But we don't. I know I've been there hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times. Sometimes one just has to recognize one needs help & then figure out how to get it. The reality is, though, you & your gf are the ones who have to make that happen.... take the first step. It's like the old saying: "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got." That's what I've done my entire life. And looking back I can see how misguided it was. But at this late stage of my life it's too late to worry about it. You & your girlfriend still have your whole lives ahead of you. Maybe you'll stay together. Or maybe the problems each of you have will simply be insurmountable & you'll go your separate ways. But either way each of you will be in a far better place to go forward with your lives if you figure out ways to deal with your individual problems as soon as possible rather than to continue to try to fight your battles alone.

By the way, you mentioned your gf struggling with suicidal thoughts. Here's a link to an article, from Psych Central's archives, that talks about how to survive suicidal thoughts:

How to Survive Suicidal Thoughts

Best wishes...

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Default Apr 11, 2020 at 01:39 PM
  #9
I concur with Skeezy on this. Both of you need professional mental help. But given the current events, and your own situations, I understand how much "easier said than done" applies here. So I've another thing I've recently started doing that seems to be helping a lot, and maybe you'll find it useful.

Start a simple journal. Either in your phone, or the old school way. However, this journal is not written in the way most people have come to think of journals. You're not worried about your day to day musings or feelings, or each minute detail of the day. Those journals have their uses, but are often only written by people who's minds are geared that way. No, keep it simple, keep it easy. I'd recommend filling it in at the end of each day, it just seems to flow best this way. Start with what you accomplished that day. Be it "got through school", or "I did X thing I wanted to get done today" or "I meditated at 3:00pm today", etc. Just the "macro" thing, stuff you can encompass in less than ten words. Then, write down anything you did specifically because it helped you accomplish your tasks. Like "I used deep breathing and mindfulness during a craving" or "I was up early today, so I had lots of time to get stuff done." After, write down anything you felt hindered you, or made you fail a task or goal. For me, it's something like "I didn't mentally prepare myself before showering, so I masturbated today," or "I watched youtube alone and ended up watching racy music videos, which triggered a porn craving", etc.

What all that does is lay out exactly what you achieved that day, what you didn't, and the whys. This helps start laying in a mental map of where your at, and what might be a good path to get where you want to go. Then, after all that, write down what you want to get done the next day. Try not to get too ambitious, especially starting out, just focus on your priorities and try not to put too much on your plate. Then write down your best ideas for what you can do to help ensure success. Even better if you can get it done before going to bed. For example, "getting to bed early" is a great example of this. The purpose of this journal is to help you see your current location in relation to where you want to be, so that you can have better aim. I got this idea from this channel YouTube
And, I personally recommend Jordan Peterson's lectures, he does a great job of delving into some of our deepest issues at their core principal levels. It's because of his work that I'm even trying on here at all. YouTube

Do not be discouraged when you fail to accomplish your goals. This is GOING to happen. You don't become a champion without starting as a novice, we're not Mary Sue's, it takes hard work and an eye on our goals to accomplish them. Keep your nose to the grind stone and you'll get there. Also, do not be surprised if your goals change. When aiming for a star, your trajectory calculations are bound to be millions if not billions of lightyears off at first. And that star is not a stationary point in space. As you get closer, you might even realize that star isn't where you want to be anyway. And... you're going to suffer along the way. Life is suffering, this is an inescapable truth. But... it can be worth it. As long as you have a reason, a purpose for that suffering.

"He who has a why can bear almost any how." Friedrich Nietzche

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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 04:08 AM
  #10
Welcome @dytikos
Quote:
Originally Posted by dytikos View Post
Our relationship, however, hasn't been the healthiest for a variety of reasons. One of the biggest ones is a fetish I have. It makes me attracted to larger women, weight gain, tight clothes, and body parts that people aren't usually attracted to like stomachs, rolls, double chins, really anything of that nature.
Is your girlfriend fulfilling this fetish? Is she an example of what you are attracted to? Or is she average and this fetish is only a part of your thoughts? How did she react when you told her? If you told her about this but she is physically not matching your fetish then I am not sure why you told her.
Physically does she fulfill this fetish for you? If so did she get upset by the way you described what you like?

Below is some info about fetishes as far as them causing distress or issues for a person. I do not know if its a disorder or not so ignore the parts where they use the term "Fetishistic disorder" if it doesnt apply to you. I do not believe all fetishes are disorders but the information below I thought was helpful.

Fetishistic disorder is an intense sexual attraction to either inanimate objects or to body parts not traditionally viewed as sexual, coupled with clinically significant distress or impairment.

Quote:
The term "fetishism" originates from the Portuguese word feitico, which means "obsessive fascination." Most individuals find particular nongenital bodily features attractive, indicating that some level of fetishism is a normal feature of human sexuality. However, fetishistic arousal may become a problem when it interferes with normal sexual or social functioning, or when sexual arousal is impossible without the fetish object.

According to the DSM-5, fetishistic disorder is characterized as a condition in which there is a persistent and repetitive use of or dependence on nonliving objects (such as undergarments or high-heeled shoes) or a highly specific focus on a body part (most often nongenital, such as feet) to reach sexual arousal. Only through use of this object, or focus on this body part, can the individual obtain sexual gratification. In earlier versions of the DSM, fetishistic disorder revolving around nongenital body parts was known as partialism; in the latest version, partialism was folded into fetishistic disorder.

Since fetishes occur in many normally developing individuals, a diagnosis of fetishistic disorder is only given if there is accompanying personal distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning as a result of the fetish.
People who identify as fetishists but do not report associated clinical impairment would be considered to have a fetish but not fetishistic disorder.

Common fetish objects include undergarments, footwear, gloves, rubber articles, and leather clothing. Body parts associated with fetishistic disorder include feet, toes, and hair. It is common for the fetish to include both inanimate objects and body parts (e.g., socks and feet). For some, merely a picture of the fetish object may cause arousal, though many with a fetish prefer (or require) the actual object in order to achieve arousal. The fetishist usually holds, rubs, tastes, or smells the fetish object for sexual gratification or asks their partner to wear the object during sexual encounters.

Fetishistic disorder is a much more common occurrence in males than in females—in fact, the DSM-5 indicates that it appears almost exclusively in males.

Fetishism falls under the general category of paraphilic disorders, which refers to intense sexual attraction to any objects or people outside of genital stimulation with consenting adult partners.

Symptoms
The sexual acts of people with fetishistic disorder are characteristically focused almost exclusively on the fetish object or body part. Sexually active adults without fetishistic disorder—or adults with a specific fetish that causes them no distress—may at various times become aroused by a particular body part or an object and make it a part of their sexual interaction with another person, but not fixate on it. In many cases, a person with fetishistic disorder can only become sexually aroused and reach orgasm when the fetish is being used, often feeling intense shame or distress about their inability to become aroused using "typical" stimuli. In other instances, a sexual response may occur without the fetish, but at a diminished level, which may cause shame or relationship tension.

The diagnostic criteria for fetishistic disorder, as catalogued in the DSM-5, includes:

For a period of at least six months, the person has recurrent, intense, sexually arousing fantasies, urges, or behaviors involving nonliving objects (such as female undergarments and shoes) or a highly specific focus on nongenital body part(s).
The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause significant distress or impair social, occupational, or personal functioning.
Causes
Paraphilias such as fetishistic disorder typically have an onset during puberty, but fetishes can develop prior to adolescence. No cause for fetishistic disorder has been conclusively established.

Some theorists believe that fetishism develops from early childhood experiences, in which an object was associated with a particularly powerful form of sexual arousal or gratification. Other learning theorists focus on later childhood and adolescence and the conditioning associated with masturbation and puberty.

Behavioral learning models suggest that a child who is the victim or observer of inappropriate sexual behaviors may learn to imitate or later be reinforced for the behavior. Compensation models suggest that these individuals may be deprived of normal social sexual contacts, and thus seek gratification through less socially acceptable means.

In cases involving males, some experts have suggested that fetishistic disorder may stem from doubts about one’s own masculinity, potency, or a fear of rejection and humiliation. By using fetishistic practices to exert control over an inanimate object, the theory goes, an individual may safeguard himself from or compensate for feelings of inadequacy.

Treatment
Fetishistic fantasies are common and in many cases harmless. According to the DSM definition, they should only be treated as a disorder when they cause distress or impair a person's ability to function normally in day-to-day life.

Fetishistic disorder tends to fluctuate in intensity and frequency of urges or behavior over the course of an individual’s life. As a result, effective treatment is usually long-term. Though the DSM-5 does not specify particular treatments, successful approaches have included various forms of therapy as well as medication therapy (such as SSRI's or androgen deprivation therapy). Some prescription medications may help to decrease the compulsive thinking associated with fetishistic disorder. This allows a patient to concentrate on counseling with fewer distractions.

Increasingly, evidence suggests that combining drug therapy with cognitive behavioral therapy can be effective, although research on the outcome of these
therapies remains inconclusive.
Fetishistic Disorder | Psychology Today

Quote:
But anyway, this part of me is extremely difficult for my girlfriend to deal with and although she has stuck with me and dealt with a lot, she's said that if I can't find a way to get rid of this fetish that she has to leave me. I understand why she feels this way as this fetish has caused a lot of tears for her and it makes her feel very bad about herself when I look at her or think about her in certain ways. Besides that, she also feels like she can't talk to me about issues that may trigger my fetish which is hard for her as well because I can't be there for her when she needs me sometimes. I don't want to hurt her anymore because of this and I would like to get rid of it for myself as well. I have to ask, is there anyway I can truly get rid of this? I can't exactly go to a sex therapist or anything, as I'm a teenager, so I've had to resort to Google for answers, and it didn't seem very promising. I don't want to keep seeing answers that say that I should accept it and find someone who accepts me because I can't do anything. I've seen enough of that and I can't accept it. I love this girl so much and I don't want to lose her to this. I will provide any other details necessary to help. Thank you.
How To Get Rid Of A Fetish – How to Get Rid of Stuff

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