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Erika275
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Default Apr 26, 2020 at 09:41 AM
  #1
In almost all the serious relationships I've been in throughout my life after a period of time with that person I lose sexual desire for them.im married now to a wonderful man and I'm happy but I no longer desire him.The sexual acts themselves are not really the problem,although I could take it or leave it I'm happy to do it but it's when it comes to a passionate kiss I find it makes me uncomfortable, I just don't want it,presumably because a kiss is a passionate act, something you do when you are really still "Inlove" with the person.

Ive read all sorts of articles and books on similar topics such as pair bonding, and the maddona ***** complex,anything I can find really about this sort of thing and I know that it is natural to that the passionate feeling is chemical and only a stage of a relationship but this feeling of not wanting to kiss is just an awful
feeling it's unsettling, almost like we're too close to be kissing passionately.I've also ended another long term relationship because of this same feeling and regretted it for years after so I know the true value of my relationship and don't want to lose this one.

My only other option would be to start all over again but it seems like all my relationships would have an expiry date when I lose the gooey Inlove feeling.There has only ever been one exception to this situation, my first love, very passionate and I always desired him but we were so volatile I'm guessing the "chemicals" never progressed and that's why.

Any theories would be much appreciated am i pretty normal,am I overreacting or is there a serious issue? Anyone feel the same?
Many thanks.x
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Lanasfancydancer
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Default Apr 26, 2020 at 10:58 AM
  #2
I don’t have that answer after 24 years of marriage and still very much in love. I do feel you and agree on the passion part though so am staying tuned in on this post Incase somebody has the magic answer. Maybe it’s a choice? A choice you make. To start it and then it turns to passion? I don’t know because I haven’t tried. Don’t have the drive to care to 🤷*♀️ I have the love.
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medievalbushman
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Default Apr 26, 2020 at 07:22 PM
  #3
Hey Erika, welcome to PsychCentral! I hope the time you spend here and the discussions you have will help you find some answers, or at least a path to explore. Couple questions, though. What do you define as a long term relationship? Has this change become apparent to your husband, enough he has inquired about it? Do you feel this lack of desire is detrimental to your relationship? Do you feel like you need this in your relationship? Have you noticed any similarities between your current and past relationships of situations or things leading up this drop in desire?

It's not at all uncommon in long term relationships for the "fire to go out" as it's often described. The time frame will vary relationship to relationship, but eventually most do experience a reduction or even cessation of passion and intimacy between each other. So you're not alone in that, not at all. That said, I must admit I lack the knowledge to provide well-fleshed theories or the like, so this is me just reaching out and starting a conversation. Hopefully, a bit of blundering through the brush will help us find a trail.

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Erika275
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Default Apr 28, 2020 at 11:04 AM
  #4
Hi, thanks both for your replies.Yes I have experienced it in a couple of other relationships about a year+ in and the same with this one.Im I'm very lucky that my husband maintains he is very happy so I hope I will always make him happy, if anything it's feelings of unfulfillment in myself that have previously caused the breakdown of a relationship.

Unless Inlove as in literally still in the early phase of love(lust) the desire part just goes for me. I'm scared that I have fallen out of love with my husband just because Ive stopped desiring him not the other way round and that seems so fickle and inevitable given my history. Many Thanks X
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