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Confused Jul 26, 2020 at 11:28 PM
  #1
I hope I'm posting this thread in the right section. This has less to do with sexual issues than with attitudes toward them, I guess. Along with my own confusion about some of these attitudes.

I am a heterosexual woman. Bi-curious to some degree, but with a strong lifelong preference for cis men. Given a choice, that's who I naturally gravitate toward. (At the risk of sounding crass, I just really, really, really like penises and prefer to include them in my sexytimes for maximum satisfaction.)

But now, people are telling me that simply being heterosexual means that I'm misogynistic and transphobic.



I don't understand this argument. Can anyone help me understand?

I mean, I always thought that sexual orientation and sexual attraction were beyond our voluntary control. That sexual arousal isn't something we can "make" happen if it isn't happening naturally. That being gay, straight, bisexual, asexual, or any other orientation isn't something we can choose. Am I wrong?

Every time I try to argue that people therefore shouldn't be judged or shamed for not being pansexual, I get called a bigot.

I had a particularly rattling encounter on Fetlife today, and now I'm freaking out to the point that I disabled my account.

I'm so confused. How does being straight make me a bigot??? I'm not a TERF, I'm not a transphobe, I'm not a misogynist, and I'm sure as heck not down with denying people human rights based on any aspect of their identity (which is what I understand a bigot to be). So why am I being accused of these things just because I stated a personal sexual preference? How does me not hooking up with someone violate their human rights?

Here's the thing. I genuinely want to be a good person. I'm also a total people-pleaser, and it's extremely upsetting when people call my goodness into question, because I spend every day striving to be a better and more conscientious human. Some things I can't help. Like who I am and am not attracted to sexually. If my sexuality itself makes me a bigot, and I can't change my sexuality, that means I can't avoid being a bigot, which means that I'll never truly be a good person in other people's eyes no matter how hard I try. And that's an awful feeling. One that seems ludicrous and wrong in the first place, but which I'm increasingly being confronted with.

I'm trying to grow, and I'm trying to be open minded. I'm just having a lot of trouble with this one.

Seriously: is someone automatically a bigot if they're not pansexual?

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Default Jul 27, 2020 at 01:29 AM
  #2
This makes no sense. I am heterosexual and no one ever called me a bigot.

Are you talking about some particular communities where you hang out that are treating you this way? You mentioned. fet life, don’t know what that is but is it a particular group you belong to?

Perhaps you just need to change who you associate with. In my 54 years of life I wasn’t called a bigot even once so I suspect the issue isn’t your heterosexuality but who you hang out wuth. They seem to be intolerant
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Smile Jul 27, 2020 at 12:41 PM
  #3
I'm sorry I wouldn't be able to help you to understand the argument you encountered on FetLife. I think I'm simply going to echo divine1966's reply.

I've never been a member on FetLife. But I'm aware of it. And I have the impression there are some very angry argumentative members there. So I'd be inclined to agree that the problem here lies not with you but with whom you associate.

You mentioned you disabled your FetLife account. I think that was the best thing you could have done. I don't know what your interest is that led you to FetLife. But I have to believe there must be better places on the web to go. Best wishes...

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Default Jul 27, 2020 at 01:23 PM
  #4
Thank you for the replies.

Fetlife is a social media site for people who are into sexual kinks (such as BDSM, rope bondage, fetish modeling, role play, etc.) and "alternative" lifestyles such as polyamory. It is heavily queer positive--which is a good thing!--and skews very politically left wing. It's a place where kinky people can make connections with other kinky people, find out about kinky events in their area, share their personal writings on the subject, and participate in discussions.

I'm a sadomasochist, and Fetlife is pretty much the only place I can go to find people interested in tying me up and spanking me. Apologies if that's TMI. I only mention it to clarify what Fetlife is and why I go there. These aren't things I can just talk about in the regular vanilla world. For me, the benefits of making these connections outweighs the more obnoxious aspects of social media.

Basically, I made a post arguing that people like myself who have a preference when it comes to their sexual partners' genitals are not sexist or transphobic, because nobody is entitled to sex in the first place, and therefore no one's human rights are being violated as a result of being denied the opportunity to hook up with a disinterested individual.

I tried my best to make it clear that I support trans rights. I really do. I think JK Rowling is wrong, and I honestly believe that trans rights are human rights. I just don't believe that anyone should feel obligated to feel sexual attraction toward anyone else--because life just doesn't work that way! You can't force horniness. I argued that it's therefore morally acceptable for me to turn someone down for a date if they're not able to provide the type of sexual encounter (penis-in-vagina) that I'm looking for. The person who replied called me an ignorant transphobe. They believe that my sexual preference for penises and male bodies constitutes an act of hate. That sexually excluding people without penises makes me transphobic and misogynistic.

I've also read a lot of essays online (on human interest websites such as Medium) arguing the same thing. That having genital preferences is an act of bigotry. That if you truly support trans rights, you'd better say yes when they ask you for sex.

Seriously. I kid you not.

What I'm wondering is if these people are right and I'm wrong. I don't want to ignore an opportunity to grow as a person if it turns out I'm actually in the wrong here.

Like I said, I want to be a good human. I want to make it clear that I support trans rights. I just don't think that I should have to settle for sexual encounters that don't "do it" for me in order to prove myself a good trans ally.

Hope that clarifies.

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Default Jul 27, 2020 at 05:56 PM
  #5
“What I'm wondering is if these people are right and I'm wrong. I don't want to ignore an opportunity to grow as a person if it turns out I'm actually in the wrong here.”

I’ll just repeat what I said earlier. It makes no sense. Like zero sense. No you aren’t in the wrong for being born the way you were born. You don’t believe it’s wrong to be homosexual, right? And you know it’s not a choice, right? So in the same manner it’s not wrong to be born heterosexual as it’s not a choice.

I don’t believe outrageous things that these people say have anything to do with them being politically left of center. These people sound very intolerant and angry. They are also quite ignorant thinking that sexual orientation is a choice. They are no better than homophobes.
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Default Jul 31, 2020 at 09:28 AM
  #6
[QUOTE=Persephone518;6898820]

But now, people are telling me that simply being heterosexual means that I'm misogynistic and transphobic.

]

Sorry but I call BS on this. Some people get so caught up their own theorizing that they lose track of logic and end up some place out there in the world of psychological nonsense. Don't engage with them in this topic. Change the subject. Please dont put up with bullies. Find a couple of people with opinions close to yours and let the others be.
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