perceived as gay but not really

A recent phone call with my sister brought up a whole bunch of %#@&#! for me. We were discussing her resentment towards our brother when she made a flippant comment, "I don't tell him how to raise his kids, or how Jonny will probably grow up to be gay." "Jonny" is 11. I didn't address this particular comment because the focus of the talk was how they don't get along and judgements of each others' childrearing practices.

But I thought, why would she say that about our nephew? How can an 11 year old be judged as gay. . .or as heterosexual for that matter? He's just a little kid being a kid. He doesn't have any effeminate characteristics, he doesn't play with Barbies. He's very intelligent, gets good grades, plays organized sports, plays the piano, is creative. . .an all-around great kid. I believe my sister's comment comes from a place of resentment that her same age child is rather low cognitively and struggles in many areas of her life.

What this brought up in me was a great deal of anger because ever since I was a kid, I've been judged as gay. I really don't know why? I don't know where people think they can make those assumptions or judgements about people. I don't see that I have any 'girly' mannerisms, or any stereotypical gay behavior (like tv portrays). . .I'm not into sports or cars like typical guys are. It always bothered me growing up because I don't know how to not be me. . .and I don't know how being me makes people think that. My aunt made a comment when I got engaged (early 30s) that thank goodness I turned out normal--they were all worried about me.

My therapist said that they're all wrong. That it is a reflection on their midwest, rural, conservative and narrow-minded way of being. They're all wrong about me and I'm just fine. But I take it so personally and get so hurt on the inside. Let me be clear--I have nothing against gay people and have gay friends, and coworkers. I struggle with my self-esteem anyway, and struggle personally with not feeling very manly in the first place. . .and then people's judgements of me just intensifies the issue. I analyze myself constantly and I just don't see what others are seeing. I know my therapist says they're all wrong. . .But now that I'm out of his office, I am thinking that he's just saying that to make me feel better, that if it were just one person it'd be wrong, but it's been a great many people over the years thinking that, discussing it behind my back, asking me candidly or slyly. . .I don't know what to think. . . .I'm happily married. . . .I probably shouldn't let this bother me. . .

You are right - You should not let this bother you...... but it is hard when it is ones own family that is judging.

I know when I went through something like this with my family I just wanted to shout at them from the top of a mountain for all to hear....... and I did one day many years later and it felt Goooooooooooood.

If this were an isolated incident I'd say yeah, it shouldn't bother you. But this is an ongoing issue so I understand the long term effects.

My school decided I was gay (yes, they decided) when I was in 9th grade. I'd always been picked on and physically pushed around but once I was labeled as gay, things became extremely violent. My nose was broken, ribs and wrist cracked. I got black eyes and bruises. I was afraid to walk the halls or the streets in my neighborhood. Ultimately this took such a toll that I carried a razor blade with me for when I got up the guts to kill myself. Before long I dropped out of school, moved to the city, and got very involved with drugs.

So what's my point? It matters. It's hurtful to be labeled something that you're not. It effects how you see yourself and causes significant anxiety. So you have my sympathies.

What to do about it is harder. My ultimate solution was to dismiss much of the world and their opinions and live in the margins. This was liberating but simultaneously isolating. This contributed to my ongoing feeling of being different from everyone and my inability to trust affection from others.

I hope you find a better way to cope with this and I hope you don't mind that I shared so much of my own experiences.

Good luck. Be safe.

Cyran0

Thanks, Rhap. . .Thanks, Cyrano. . .I don't get how people just decide what other people are sexually. . .it's such a personal, private, and complex issue for everyone--who has the right to judge? You went through it, I go through it, and now I fear my nephew is going to go through it

You're always so honest, Cyrano. I'm sorry for the violence you experienced. . .

I don't know what came first--my severe self-consciousness and worrying about what others are thinking of me, or the judgemental comments and questions I've gotten over the years. I know I can't control what others think, and I know intellectually I shouldn't let it bother me anyway, cbt and all that. . .but I do worry about it almost constantly when out in public. Running into the 7/11 for a coke and passing other customers and dealing with the clerk. . .grocery shopping. . .passing others on the street in my car. . .meeting new coworkers (what's he thinking of me?) It never ends. . .

Hi Scott.

I have been reading and thinking on your post and the comments of some caring others. Your plight is worthy and your thoughts are certainly sensitive and well placed. Judgement is always ego and ego often represents fear. Humanity has been plagued with fear. Situations like yours, to mobs of people raising some flag of judgement and to wars when fear overrides the ability to compromise, we become controlled by fear.

But like you so well stated,,though we can intellectually understand the process for making judgements,,when we are the victims of such arbitrary catagorizations,,,it hurts. Feelings seldom follow specific maps or definition. They just are.

Knowing yourself and understanding your true human value is the best defense against petty injustice. It has even worked for much more profound circumstance when men and women have been emprisoned, tortured or killed in the stark face of innocence. These folks, like you, are heros in nearly every sense of the word. Standing tall when all about you looks to crush you.

You are a person of value Scott and no matter what fear or need to dismiss sorrounds you,,try to remember that justice is warmest in the heart of its carrier. The feelings you are experiencing are lessens of compassion that you will aptly offer to those about you.

You sound very just to me.

Lenny

Scott88keys,

I fought this battle for years with one of my sons. When he was in preschool, he preferred to play with the girls and “girly” toys. His teacher went so far as to get him seen by the school psych. Who btw, told her that he is a perfectly normal, compassionate caring child. I was so angry I just blew, this teacher thought that she was giving me some good news. I love my children as they are. But you would be surprised by acquaintances that would approach us at the park or beach and say “take that doll away from him, you need to nip this in the bud.”

It’s been 13 years, that particular child is an honor student and has a girlfriend, but is still very particular about his clothing. He loves wearing suits (If you’re old enough think Alex P. Keaton). The woman who felt it was so important to tell me how to raise my kids has a son a few years older than mine and is serving time for dealing drugs.

As one of my favorite comedians says “you can’t fix stupid.”

Cyran0, I wish I could say that things in the public school system has changed, but it hasn't. It makes me so angry that the schools aren't ensuring a safe learning environment for all.

I still don't know what I am myself. I was labeled that very early on in age in elementary school. It shear torture for me
and that kind of humiliation stays with you. It did with me anyway.

So I know what your going through scott, but if you know deep down inside your happily married, then you stick with that and just be yourself.

Like I said I still have an identity disorder from this. I had to take a break from dating since 2003. Because I'm still confused, and I think alot had to do with being cruified in
school by other classmates.

okay good luck

bless you all--thanks for the kind words everyone

I have a nephew that loved to play with a cabbage patch doll. He carried it with him everywhere when he was a little tyke. We got him a boy one and he loved it. His father was not supportive but he didn't say much.

This boy is now 32 years old and has a family. Never were we concerned with his being gay and never did anyone label him such.

I can't agree with schools and counselors assuming and labeling kids as gay because of their playing and aquaintence preferences. At one point in my life I thought I might be gay because I was sexually abuse as a child. It was a very intense struggle with me into my 20's and I was married at the time too.

Let kids be kids, they have a long road ahead and don't need to be type cast.

Few things %#@&#! me off as fast, or confuse me more than the need to categorize children. The big deal about the teletubbies, even Ernie and Bert, wtf?!? We need to worry more about teaching our children manners then worrying about what category that a child may or may not fall into. How can they be pegged as any sexual preference when they don’t know what sex is? It’s amazing how otherwise intelligent people can be idiots in this department.

we do tend to classify childrens sexuality (along with their political and religous beliefs). they often grow into what we cast them as...

sounds like there is still a great deal of prejudice in society such that people feel so very damaged that they are mischaracterized. i mean... being beaten up because people think you have a certain sexual preference...

I wish everyone thought the way that we do in this thread. Unfortunately the reality is that we are still very much afraid of homosexuality and sexual expression in general.

I personally am bisexual. A fact that most of my friends were not able to handle when I did eventually "explain" my situation to them. However, I value the friends that stuck by me. On a professional level I'm not yet ready to discuss it.

One thing I have noticed in a professional setting and back in high school is that anything different gets labeled as "gay" to the point that it lost sexual context and was being referred to solely in the sense that it was different----wrong.

I greatly admire those who are able to express there sexuality and I know that one day I will get to that point.

I think if anything my childhood has lead me to understand women better than most men I know. I guess while they were busy making fart jokes, I was over at the girls table talking to them

On a serious note I think it is important to let children decide for themselves. The things they play with will only have significance if the parents put significance behind it.

Since I have this sort of rough persona about me people sort of think I'm lesbian. Not that I'm unusually masculine, I guess I just look big, mean, and scary. People's assumptions can be totally twisted. Alot of it has to do with how the media portrays gays and lesbians, and any other type of person as a matter of fact.