Am I unable to do it?

hi everyone.. I need your thoughts, please.. please forgive me it's gonna be a long post
I am writing this at a peculiar time in my life; I have been on this board for a number of things that stress me out and make me unhappy, and I didn't want to add sex to the bunch but.. right now everything is going better, except for that. So... background.. I am female, 26, my upbringing was very unnatural 'cause my mom always depicted sex as dirty and I took her word for it, I absorbed her point of view, even if books, movies, people, nature, etc suggested otherwise, that is was a natural thing and others liked it.. so I often felt split in two. I didn't want to wait until marriage 'cause I felt that sex is a major part of any relationship and you should seek compatibility in it (the wild half of me being all open minded), but I didn't want to "give it away" either (the quiet half being all serious and virtuous), so I only had sex with one guy, my first serious relationship. I wanted to be able to trust him and let go. Yes I trusted him and he was the perfect guy to be my first, good guy, in love with me, gentle, everything good, but I am not sure I really "let go"... I have to say I didn't have fun much, the first time we really did it, I thought.. is this it? Ew. I loved this guy, he was the best person in the world, but maybe I thought it was the lack of passion causing that. We broke up a long time later for various reasons.. then recently I met a girl and fell in love with her (it was not a shock or a change in my life, I have always thought I was able to fall in love with whoever, gender is irrelevant to me).. the first time I kissed her it felt so natural and awesome, so no pressure about her being a girl, and I liked her from the very start (while she didn't notice me at first), so this time "passion" was not a problem, I am very much attracted to her phisically, I think she's beautiful and I "wanted" her.. we got together and the first time we had sex I was all nervous, I was afraid the not feeling anything would come again. And it has. I mean I love being in bed with her, the contact, and everything, I just can't get in the right mood somehow.. at least, not at the right time when we're in bed together, I feel so cold and detached..
I want to be different.. She has no problems at all and I feel like I am ruining a part of us.. I just.. am not like that.. I love kisses, caresses.. that's all I think about.. and then it stops. I want to kiss her and I want to caress her, but I have to -decide- to do more directly sexual stuff....
I want to be healthy, 'cause everything is perfect this time, everything but this.. I don't want to be the girl with a problem.. I don't want to be cold. I want to feel good and make her feel good and just be happy with her.
I don't have much sexual experience so maybe you can see something I can't.. maybe you can help me understand.. god, I feel so guilty :'(

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. In my own experience I was married for a year before I felt comfortable with sex. I honestly have never met a woman that had a pleasant experience the first time; the romance novels lie! In fact, sex was still painful for me until after my first child was born. The key to a healthy, happy sexual relationship is being comfortable with yourself and your partner.

In my case it took a time and patience for both me and my husband. Once I was able to fully trust him, things got much better. And once our son was born, sex was no longer painful and it became the great experience that it was supposed to be.

You have more passion than you think- you wrote about wanting to kiss her and wanting to caress her- I can tell you are a sexual person!! The key is communication- is there little things she does that you love, it sounds like foreplay is important to you, and the more you do it, the more you discover what you like!! Try having sex by the beach, in a car, a hotel, on the kitchen floor, try it saying different things to each other.......the sky's the limit, and it's all before you at this point, it gets better and better, slowly.......

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AAAAA said:
[...] The key to a healthy, happy sexual relationship is being comfortable with yourself and your partner.
[...] and it became the great experience that it was supposed to be.

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thanks for your reply.. Uhm.. I have to say I'm not 100% confortable with myself 'cause well, I don't see myself as sexy. But she does.. and I don't really know how to get better at this whole confidence thing.. but I already think she makes me open up much more than my ex bf, as far as showing myself well.. naked and vulnerable and full of whatever imperfection I might have..
To "practice" and make it better I would have to drag her into this.. I am unsure whether I want to do it.. I don't want to lie to her but.. I don't want her to think it's her fault if I don't feel anything.. and i don't want her to think i don't love her enough or other rubbish, you know? I'm so scared to tell her... é_è

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Junerain said:
you wrote about wanting to kiss her and wanting to caress her- I can tell you are a sexual person!!

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hi, thanks for your reply.
Well maybe I'm weird but to me kisses are not sex related.. and I meant caress her but mostly in non sexual places.. I just like to stroker her hair and skin, it's all very romantic in my head.. and about foreplay.. well we do a lot of that but if I'm not "on" it's all very adorable and pleasant, but it's not.. uhm.. "useful".. it leads nowhere sexually, you know? What makes me worry is that I like the non sex stuff so much..
Maybe I just don't know what my body wants..
as for communication.. I haven't told her I don't feel anything yet, sex is new to our relationships we didn't get many opportunities for intimacy, just a couple. I just got nervous about my reaction to it right away and that's why I'm posting.. not that I think you guys are superheroes or my saviours, I just needed to talk.. listen.. I might sound childish but I just really want not to ruin anything cause I love her so much... thinking about "practicing" in bed makes me feel bad.. like everyone else can do it and I have to study and try and practice and bother her with this thing.. I don't know if I can't explain myself properly.. why can't I just experience what she is? As I said before, I feel very guilty for not being.. well.. "normal". As in.. carefree about sex, relaxed, physical, in the moment.. darn.
I feel like I failed an exam

hon it sounds like the mindset your mom taught you has really gotten you stuck. and not in a good way. have you tried masturbation for "practice"? I was raised very religious and by a prude mother. we couldn't even say pregnant without getting slapped. anyway I think it is a case of just going head on into it and learning that it is really a beautiful thing. nothing at all dirty about making love. good luck hon.

That's whar we're here for, to listen, be there for you!!! Sex isn't something "EVERYBODY ELSE KNOWS AND HAS..." Read over the posts in this thread, they're full of questions, doubts, insecurities, sex is definately NOT some 'club' that everyone else belongs too.....again this kind of thing takes TIME and lots of it....kissing is a part of sex and similiar to it and I read you LOVED to kiss her!! You're not as cold as you think.....you also write about sharing a bed with her and the contact you love, you're half way there!! You write you feel you failed an exam- life is a series of many different growing tests I use the term test as it has less pressure than exam.......fail one then there's the make up test where the teacher lets you average the 2 scores right

Lilac (my favorite flower btw) I don’t think any of us is 100% comfortable with ourselves 100% of the time. But hopefully you are comfortable in your relationship. Can you look at this from a different point of view for a moment, if she had an issue that you could help her with, wouldn’t you want her to tell you? I think when you’re able to trust her and talk to her about these things your relationship will go to the next level.

In my own life, the advice I give my children is “If you’re too embarrassed to talk to your partner about sex, you’re not ready for the sex.” I know your upbringing doesn't make this easy for you, but when you are parnters in a relationship, you discuss everything.

bebop uhm.. self-love is wonderful and I feel at ease with it... when I'm alone, whenever I'm in the mood, I can let go with no problems. It's letting go when I'm in bed with my gf that's not working that well :/

Junerain, thanks for your post.. I know there are ppl with sex issues here and outside, I just feel overwhelmed and isolated by my issues at times.. I loved the "tests, not exams" perspective you showed me it's really sweet and positive.. maybe I think about "final exams" because I suppose I am afraid of her reaction.. I don't want to "bother" her with my issues.. but if the roles were reversed I would do anything to help her and wouldn't be bothered, 'cause I love her.. I just find it hard to believe anyone would be so interested in me, so into me, so in love with me to be OK with all my mind issues.. as I said, I don't want to put pressure on her, I'd love to keep her out of my instability.. I want her to be happy and carefree.. not to be the person I shower with insecurities, you know? But while I'm writing I think.. it's impossible, isn't it? Can I keep her out of my fear and sadness and insecurity? Sounds hard...
About me being not so cold, yes, sometimes I see light at the end of the tunnel, and possibilities, and my mind thinks "I just need some more confidence, it's gonna be ok" and there are times when I feel interested and in the mood and I have awesome experiences, and it's great. It's just that sometimes my mind thinks "I'm not able to do this, I feel nothing, why am I not like her, I'm never gonna be carefree and enjoy this".. So it's not always cold and void, but sometimes. O is still to be reached (by me)...
Last thing, "kisses are part of sex".. I still don't see it like that I don't know, it's funny to me to think of them like that.. they don't always lead to sex, right? Don't they have a life of their own? I see them as romance. If you're in bed (or wherever) doing it, well then they're part of sex :P

AAAAA I would totally bring you a lilac if I could you know, taking a break from the desperate cry for help, I'll tell you a sweet note: since we got together (it's a fresh thing, we got together on June 2) I have been bringing her a flower from my garden or from the river banks (I walk home from work and I pass along the river) every day. If one day I meet her before I have the chance to get a real flower, I make her an origami flower or I draw her one. sorry, thinking about her made me smile a lot. Anyhow, we do talk about sex, kinda. I also try to say what I feel, what I want, compared to how silent I was with my ex I have gone lenghts.. but I refrained from telling her the negative part for the reasons I told Junerain, that is sort of trying to shield her from my problems (what if she thinks it's her fault I don't feel anything and didn't O? What if my problems make her sad?) and also maybe a bit of fear.. I understand the advice you give your children.. I often say something similar, "if you're old enough to do it, you're old enough to say it"..

everyone anyhow, I wanted to tell her yesterday.. I asked her to have a Sunday all by ourselves, to go someplace like a park where we could be alone and quiet.. but then everything got messed up, the weather was too hot and we forgot the blanket to put on the floor in the trunk of my car, and we had no water, and there were TONS of people around having picnics, and I was feeling kinda tired and sleepy (I had slept 5 hours the night before and worked both Saturday and Sunday in the house).. and I didn't feel like opening up. I am surprised that she didn't say anything about it, 'cause I had "warned" her I wanted us to be alone to tell her about personal issues..
so see.. I made a step.. and I will try again later.. I hope everything will be a little more pleasant that time.. and I really don't want to as in desire to tell her but I think it's right to do so and I will..

sorry for the neverending post.
Thanks for your time, I really need support right now and experiences and ideas and I love having someone that answers me...