Sexual problems

Somehow I feel bothered by this so I feel i shoudl post.

Ok, when I was 11 i was molested by my dad. When i became 14 i stopped denying it and faced what he had done. I turned him into child protective services. Nothing happened because they told me they didnt have enough evidence.

When I was 14 though, after I had turned him in...i had a lot of psychological turmoil. I became depressed, my chest felt like there was this huge aching abyss that had opened up where my heart used to be. Basically I felt like i was holding onto the edge of a cliff of despair/ just inches away from letting go and getting lost within my pain. What i'm trying to say is that the pain i felt during this time was so immense. I felt betrayed and the added fact that my puberty was kicking in around this time made everything worse. My real name is Kate and the meaning behind my name is "pure one". I felt like i was a mockery of the meaning of my name, because i felt so...dirty because of what had happened to me.

Ever since then i've felt uncomfortable with my sexuality. Like if i got too turned on by anything I'd begin to feel dirty. I was interested in guys at this point in time.

A little while ago I was on this sex site because i wanted to explore my seuxality. The site happened to be interactive so you can imagine all the weirdos i met there. I wont go into details...

The last person I spoke to on the site was a rapist. He was very graphic in uhm...what he said he wanted to do to me. I would never even think of doing the actions he wanted to do to me and i would rather go to Hell than do the actions he wanted to do to me, on someone. I didnt sleep for nights after he said those things and the fact that he said that he would come and find me and carry these things out made me paranoid. He was serious and if i had given him enough information...yeah...i wouldve...been in a bad place.

I cant even think about what he said to me. It makes me feel anxiety and i've disssociated when i've tried to think about it.

Ever since then my sex drive has plummeted and i've gotten to the point where i dont even mastrubate anymore. I still allow myself to sexually fantasize soemtimes but i dont get very turned on by these thoughts. A part of me is pleased i was able to supress my sex drive because it too so much effort to do and I feel like supressing it and acting like i'm not interested in Sex at all will keep me safe. On the other hand i feel a sense of loss, like i've lost a part of myself. I cant even sexually fantasize about guys anymore...so i fantasize about girls because I feel it is safe. I dont feel much out of these fantasies...i think it is just a way my psyche is trying to compensate because I've mentally banned myself from thinking about guys in a sexual way.

Although i notice i do flirt with guys still. Just in a non sexual way. It is fun for me I guess. Though i feel no sexual desire towards guys anymore.

I think there is something wrong with me. What's wrong with me? I want to hear what others think of this.

I am really sorry about things that have happened to you hon. first though I don't think an internet sex site would be the proper way to get help for your issues. yes I can imagine all kinds of weird people on there. I don't think I would feel safe there at all.
I think you should really talk to your therapist about this. I think with work with the T you can get thru this. they are able to give you good advise on how to move on.

yeah it was stupid of me to go to that site. I was naive.

btw i am 19 now

and...thank you for your comment Bebop

not all men are like that hon. it will take time to be able to trust again but it can be done. hang in there hon.

Dear Kate,

You are the pure one. When your father touched you, at the tender age of 11, he did not taint you. He tainted himself. It is he, who became impure, not you. You responded admirably, to his misconduct, to his betrayal, by exposing him. When the rapist’s words, created repugnant imagery in your mind, you were appropriately revolted.

There is nothing wrong with you! You are a sensitive young woman, whose sex drive has been dampened by the misdeeds of two men. It is not surprising, you are not fantasying about men, or masturbating. Without fantasy, there is no masturbation.

Exploring your sexuality with women, may be a logical outcome of your experience. Many women do it, regardless of their experience with men. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with it. However, I encourage you, not to forever close the door on men, due to the misconduct of two men. Ultimately, who you share your affections with is your choice. I encourage you, not to allow others to make the choice for you.

In the short term, it would probably be best, not to confront your sexuality directly, i.e., not without the assistance of a competent counselor. I would avoid any environment, where there may be sexual pressure. However, I would not hesitate to socialize, and develop friendships. Ultimately, you will meet an honorable young man, or honorable young woman, who you feel comfortable with, and your sexual desire will return.

I haven’t said much, regarding the importance of counseling by a competent professional. There really isn’t much to say, other than, it is probably the single, most effective action, you can engage in, to improve the quality of your life.

I wish you the best,

Larry