[Thanisson]

Hi everyone,
before I get started I want to tell you a bit about my past:
I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety 10 years ago and would say the time when I was 14-15 years old was the time where my anxiety was the absolute worst. I couldn’t go to school anymore because I was afraid to talk in class, felt like people where staring and laughing, going to the supermarket was nearly impossible… Life was a nightmare.
Things slowly started to get better when I turned 18 and I even started a small job at a factory who hires people with mental disorders almost 2 years ago.
But in the past 6-8 months things have been going downhill again… my best friend ditched me without warning, coworkers who used to talk to me stopped doing so, some of them now happily greet my husband but ignore me completely, while I’m right there. He can’t explain why either which is driving me crazy. There are also two coworkers who stare at me all the time. I hate it.

I always feel like people are staring at me and giving me judgemental looks. I know I’m far from pretty and look a bit weird but … I also feel like I might be behaving weird? I just want to be invisible… something is wrong with me and I feel like everyone knows it, everyone sees it and they all hate and judge me for it and that’s why I’ve often been a victim to bullies… teachers, even strangers…
There is a mother with 3 kids (4-6 years I think) who takes the same bus as I do to get to work and even her two sons have pointed and laughed at me before! They don’t speak german or English so I once again don’t even know what was so wrong and funny about me.
It’s always like this! Did I act weird, said something stupid, made a mistake?
Going out is getting more and more difficult… I already cancelled going to the movies with my friend twice and started hating my job… My workplace will be somewhere else soon so we will share the building with other workgroups now and I will have to use a different train to get to work which is already stressing me out…
There was a man on the train today who was staring non.stop. for like 3 stops. I looked back at him because for a moment I got so angry but when he didn’t stop I quickly looked away again, because I was afraid he would start yelling or something…
My Husband has anxiety related anger issues which can be problematic when we go out. He’ll start complaining about other people on the bus, get angry if someone just looks at him in a weird way or even bump into others if he feels like they are blocking the way…
I can’t talk to him about this! He’s suffering from his own demons and he would feel betrayed… it’s the last thing I want.

I feel ugly, weak, dumb, like a coward or a failure and everyone seems to know it. I want to be invisible, I want to stay at home and not see anyone beside my family and husband anymore.
Even posting this here on a public forum is stressing me out but I don't know what to do...

Sorry this text got so long

[Yzen]

Hi Thanisson,
You are beautiful, strong, smart, brave, and successful! People that look at you are more likely thinking about themselves and don't know you or have any idea of the person inside of you. Try to imagine their stares are passing right through you and falling like dust on the floor.

I hope things get better for you.

[mote.of.soul]

Hi Thanisson. Just wanted to say I absolutely relate to your experiences and I wish I could just be invisible as well, I have pretty bad social anxiety. Meds have taken away some of the intensity, which has reduced the frequency of panic attacks, but the overall thought patterns are still present, it's difficult. When I'm around people [I go for walks every day as a test and as a kind of exposure therapy] I constantly practise letting go and try to bring myself to an inner place of centeredness. I try not to let the anxious [paranoid?] thoughts take hold, which is obviously easier said than done, but it helps to a degree. And lately I've been trying to be a bit friendlier, saying hello sometimes if I catch someone looking at me, etc. That's helping me as well, a little bit. Keep pluggin' away and hang in there Thanisson. I believe it's all about growth.

[outkast3000]

I feel the same when I'm out as if everybody is laughing at me. You are not a coward or a failure in fact you are brave and strong for facing this.