Dating

Any tips on dating and how to communicate better in person and online when dating and also have social anxiety. Thank you for any tips and words of advice!

Be curious about the other person, ask questions, and let them talk about themselves. I forget to ask questions when I communicate...but...it is a way to keep the conversation going without having all the pressure to talk yourself.

Hi Zapatoes. That's great that you're dating! Let me know if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you are looking to date or are currently dating someone you don't know that well, right?

I've been on really bad and really good dates as well as in bad and good relationships (a good date doesn't automatically mean a good relationship will happen, I've learned). I just want you to know that the anxiety from dates is usually predictable though, and is important to pay attention to for several good reasons.

There are several things that happen on a date: Seeing things in common, Seeing if you think alike, and Seeing whether they want a long term relationship or just a fling.

To start off, lots of times people exit bad relationships and enter a short term relationship phase--just testing different types of relationships. You might have ended a long term relationship yourself and are being extra careful to invest too much energy into the next one.
If you're only looking for a short term relationship or, if they are, then disclosing everything about you might not be such a good idea. Also, talking about yourself probably will not come natural, and will feel 'forced' because you're holding back from being yourself. But it's also okay to be that way.

Probably the best phrase to start a date with, and for good reason, is "What do you do for fun?". This lets you know A LOT about a person, such as whether they will judge you for being yourself, what they think about the future, what their passions are and if there are common interests. Depending on how they disclose information about themselves to you (for example if they disclose personal information about themselves, such as the name of their cat and how cute it is, or what their favorite movie is and why they feel about it) it might be a sign that they are looking for a long term relationship. If they're superficial, or if you find yourself disclosing only superficial information (like you have a cat, or that you work, or how old you are--info you can get off your Facebook about page), then it might mean that this is a short term relationship that neither of you want to invest too much of yourselves in. This is also okay and normal. (There's a great book that discusses short and long term relationships called:

For once anxiety is the best thing you can have, because it can immediately warn you that there is nothing in common between the two of you. Imagine--that you enjoy gaming and this other person prefers to spend time at the gym all day and hangs out with people that are intimidating and would not like the 'real' you. In these situations high anxiety can be a sign that the other person is judging us for who we are and for who we want to be. Don't pretend to yourself that you don't feel judged! Anxiety also lets us know whether they would defend us and our 'real' selves in front of people they care about. For once anxiety works in our favor and that's okay.

Lastly, if the conversation fell apart after asking 'what they do for fun', it might be good to ask yourself if you felt good or bad about the date. Even when you have things in common to talk about, if you both don't think alike you will probably get the feeling that you can't be your 'true' self around your date. On the other hand if it felt like you were having a conversation with a friend and your anxiety was low, then this is a good sign that you think alike.

This can apply to online relationships as well. You can get a sense for what someone discloses to you via text, and ask someone else you trust what they think about this person as well.

How do you feel during and after your dates/conversations/texts?

Thank you for the excellent advice. Dating is a little nerve wracking, true if haven’t dated in awhile. Yes it helps to have things in common and share similar values. On first dates I prefer to meet for coffee and partly due to getting nervous eating in front of someone I don’t know well.