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Member Since Feb 2019
Location: portugal
Posts: 7
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#1
I'll share a story of my life, that makes me think this is how
my problem started and to make it easier to understand my problem and current life situation. I don't like to be dramatic but i'll have to so you guys can understand. This is an issue that has been bothering me since i was 14-15 years old. I'm 22 years old today and i still suffer from that. I never got friends at school and didn't have an adolescence, i really didn't care about that much at that time. But today i really feel bad that i couldn't enjoy my adolescence and i kinda can foresee and feel the negative impact that will have on me in a near future When i was a child, to 8-12 years old i would play soccer in my neighborhood and have a few friends to play with me same would apply in school, and i didn't think about those things i just would be the way i am. But then time passed and i stopped to play soccer and so did my friends, some of them moved away. I changed school at 5th grade and i had a really hard time there. I was never good at making friends so i got bullied and that got a real negative impact in my self-esteem i still had a friend that i would talk about my games and what i played the most I didn't leave my house after school, because i was playing games everytime, because i could forget what they did to me and enjoy every moment of playing my games, i got addicted, and so i stopped going out to play soccer and meet new people and just started to play on my console everyday after school. I think this is when it all started. The days in school got harder for me socially. I would get nervous near people or talking to them, Presentations asking questions to teachers, and on, and on. I told my parents that i was being bullied. They spoke to the teachers, but on the breaks they would just make fun of me. So i just focused on my studies to leave that hell. 1 year later i left that school and went to a new one but i would have to wait a few months to begin the new school I just stood all that time at home playing games i ended up isolating myself from the "world" The more i played games, the more i would feel comfortable I could feel my real self, my real personality The word i'm looking for here is comfort, i feel comfort and confident when i'm at home alone or with my parents (i don't know if this makes any sense, i cant fully explain, it's something i feel emotionally) So the new school started. And i felt really uncomfortable around people. I didn't know how to start a conversation or make any friends, i lost all my confidence But still tried to make some friends, did 1. But i started to observe how people would relate with each other and how i could improve myself. That made me think even more how i could improve my friendships or get new subjects to talk about instead of games talking about only games still worries me because people will not have interest in me since i don't do any other stuff. I don't want to extend this much more but this is pretty much it My parents divorced and my brother moved away to other city and i just went downhill from there. So today i can't accept an incoming call from a stranger or answer the door from a stranger. Make presentations Get downstairs to buy something or drink a coffee. Anything that involves me to talk with strangers pretty much... Even my relatives that i don't talk years ago... And the thing i consider worse and i hate myself for that is that my mom is needing help financially and i can't apply for a Mcdonalds job because of my problem, i will get nervous as hell and i just can't attend people or go to a job interview Currently i'm taking a course to get employed on an area. My brother took the same course on the same place i am right now and he said they will just give me an internship and there is a high chance i'll work there without needing for an interview. That's a good idea inititally. but i'm starting to feel demotivated and i'm in risk to get kicked out of the course. This is honestly startling me, i'm getting to a point where i feel only comfortable alone or with my parents and not with strangers. I explained my parents already my situation, my mom understands but i really do feel bad for not helping her. And i don't know how to overcome this. I talked with my dad about it, and he got an attitude towards me like "just grow some balls" (sorry for the expression) Guess what, i'm starting to believe he is right. I wasn't this worried and unconfident when i was a child and didn't think about this matters all the time. I believe the key to overcome this is to just don't give a crap about what people think and just be myself and what i need to say or do. Although when i'm at school i feel "blocked" somehow, i can't fully explain. It's like i have my real personality at home, and a masked personality at school that i can't change. I can't maintain my real personality at school. I can't fully explain, just feel it. my mom financial situation isn't the best, so we can't afford a psychologist + i would feel nervous as hell. I am even trying alternatives way to work from home so i can help my mom, yes i thought about streaming or youtube but i can't do it in my current pshychological situation i would get nervous and don't know what to say and wouldn't get people's attention. So i'm trying to look for other alternatives at the moment. Really sorry for the long text, but i needed to unburden this somewhere. since i don't have a psychologist. You guys can call me a big drama queen and i kinda agree. But i wouldn't post this if i did know what to do right? This post may be a big mess to read and understand, since i couldn'tdecide how to write certain things, events and i was trying to remember them. Any help is appreciated, and thank you for your time for reading my situation, i wish you the best |
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Buffy01, mote.of.soul, Skeezyks
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Wise Elder
Member Since Oct 2017
Location: USA
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#2
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Disreputable Old Troll
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#3
I recall replying to this post in Psych Central's relationships & communication forum. I don't know if you're still with us. You mentioned having been bullied in school. I don't know to what extent. But I thought I would mention I was also bullied in high school. It went on for the majority of 4 years. Everyone knew what was going on, including my parents. But nobody cared. And I've struggled with the sorts of things you're struggling with my whole life. (I'm an older person now.)
I think, somewhere in your post, you wrote that you felt you'd be too nervous to see a mental health professional. But I have to tell you that, at least based on my own experience, school bullying can really mess with your psyche. And I don't know how else you "get to the bottom of it", so to speak, unless you work through it with mental health assistance. I never had that because, for most of my life, there just weren't the kinds of mental health services available that are available today. Consequently I just toughed it out as best I could. And it wasn't pretty. So I hope that, in some way, you can find the courage to seek out the mental health services you need. My best wishes to you... __________________ "I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last) |
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