How to stop feeling sorry for myself?

I am trying to survive on my own all alone here in another country. I receive no help from others. I at times want to return home to my parents but they told me I have no home to return. I am constantly fatigued by the simplest actions- going out to work and returning. I don't work that much now. I have may be one or two classes a day and not daily. I don't understand why I am so easily tired from doing some simple activities. I want to work more and am constantly looking for jobs that are suitable. So far, I'm only able to find part-time work. This is better than nothing for now. However, I feel bad that I can't be more active and do more for myself. I live in poverty which really does not bother me. But, I am limited in my opportunities and activities. I guess, all I want to do is work more and just be myself. I don't need friends because I never had any friends. I want to become more active and do more. I am trying to focus on working more because I think I need a distraction. So, I'm at times unhappy with my situation. Work is hard to find at my age- am 50. Thus, I take what I can get but sometimes what I get is not what I want. I should be grateful for my situation. I have enough to eat, roof over my head, and clothes to wear. I am wondering if my depression and apathy are from the weather now- it is hot and humid here. I don't know. I feel I was doing better in the spring time when it was cooler. Now, I feel just standing outside is unbearable. I sweat a lot. Thus, I am wondering what is the cause of my apathy and depression. I am cycling up and down. But, I feel good when I go out, then when I am not stay home. I don't know if my mood is dependent on my situation or from my illness itself. I really don't know the cause of my mood disorder. I want peace and happiness. Is this too much to ask for? I apologize for my rambling again.

I am feeling ok after one of my pen pals wrote me. We all have problems and suffer in some manner. I am grateful for what I have. I believe, if I had stayed at home, I would have never found any jobs. I have jobs here and should be thankful for whatever I have. I am also free to do whatever I'd like. It is not as bad as it seems. Living in poverty is hard at times. I can't do whatever I want but am free to do what I'd like. I think the weather has been getting me down because I feel so tired with no energy. I don't think hot and humid weather is good for my mental illness. It weighs me down. But, I am cool with an air conditioner and fan. I am doing ok. I want to do more but feel thankful for what I am able to do so far. Thinking back, I was very impaired so being free and doing what I'd like is better than being in the hospital with no freedom. I eat what I like and the food is really good here! I also can come on this site whenever and write freely about my feelings. I cherish these little things in life now. I think because I compare myself to others, I feel inadequate and unhappy at times. But, then I realize they don't have the issues I have and don't need to deal with them. I think given my situation, I am doing really well. I also feel others wanting me to become a doctor again when I am not interested in doing so. I can't do it and don't need to be told that I can. Thus, I am realizing I am doing what I'd like and should not complain about my situation. I have a lot of problems of self-esteem stemming from child abuse and other factors. However, I feel pretty good at times and wonder if these periods of depression and doubt are from my illness or from my situation that I'm experiencing now. I don't have the answer to this. I do feel peace and happiness because I'm not near my family and don't have to listen to them argue and fight all of the time anymore. I sleep as much as I want and do what I like within my means. Life is pretty good but when I feel tired with no energy, it makes me sad and doubtful about myself. I'm sure everybody else would feel similar if they experienced such lows. Thus, I'm happy to have someone listen to me and write to me. I feel supported. Also, I can do more if I'd like with work, but I shall see if I can get more jobs as it is. Ageism is everywhere. People are surprised I am old. It is ok. I look young but have many experiences. I am like aged cheese which is full of flavor and texture. I have something to offer. I won't give up so easily. Hmm, this weather is awful and hope it will pass soon. Again, I ramble.

Sorry you're struggling. There's nothing wrong with rambling!

Thank you for replying. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm writing a soliloquy in my threads. I ramble then write some more then ramble then write some more. I feel ok now!

Your life story is interesting, compelling, and thought provoking. I admire you for looking for the positive in everything.

I understand. It's hard to know what has caused me to sometimes feel worse. So many factors are involved. Weather can have a huge effect, for sure.

I hope you feel a little brighter (or cooler) soon.

I am feeling well again today. I had a student to teach and went out. I was tired this morning for the heat. But, I cooled the apartment and felt better as I got ready to go out. I wish my mood was not so changeable like the weather. I feel fine then feel down then feel fine then feel like it is a bummer to be alive. Well, after reading others' messages, we all suffer in some capacity. I guess, the more one has, the more one wants. This is not healthy. What I am saying is the better I become, the more I want out of life. May be this is not so unexpected. But, there is a limit as usual with my illness. I want to push a little harder and see where I can go. Right now, I'm just humming along but at times become easily tired from just doing the simplest activities. I then become anxious and depressed. I realize this is reality for me and am learning to accept it and trying make changes to alleviate my lethargy. I drink coffee occasionally and it helps a lot. But, I don't want to drink coffee daily because the caffeine will lose its effectiveness. So, I drink coffee only when I go out. The other days I feel malaise and lethargy. I know it sounds odd but these "other days" make me depressed. I am thinking I should may be drink one cup of coffee daily to prevent me from feeling so down. I don't know.


Thank you all for your support! It makes me happy to be a part of this community website.

Thank you!! You are a musician!! Am I correct? Wow!! I was going to be an orchestra musician myself but quit. I am glad I did because I hear voices and sounds when I am not supposed to do so. I am happy with what I am doing now but wish I could do more of it -which is teaching. I am thinking about doing more translating and doing interpreting. I am looking for such jobs too now. I will keep trying to look for such jobs and apply to them. So, I ramble again. Thank you again! You are an inspiration too!

I think drinking a cup or two of coffee is helping me with my feeling of lethargy. I drank two cups today and feel ok. I will continue drinking coffee daily and see what happens.