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WishfulThinker66
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Default Jan 08, 2019 at 06:30 AM
  #1
I have no trouble standing up for the underdog. I will jump into action to advocate for a person being wronged. Yet, when it comes to standing up for myself I completely wimp out. I can't say a thing even when I am clearly being wronged.

You are all likely familiar with my work situation. If it was happening to someone else I would do everything in my power to try and make the situation right yet I can't speak up about my own. I offer too yesterday's experience at the hair salon. The woman managed to shower me during the shampoo with cold water all over my face, and my clothing down to my shoes (we had to use a blow dryer to dry me off before I could leave). She also hacked my hair to an inch long (nothing like what I described or showed her). I could not bring myself to speak up. Had it been someone else I would have done so. Yet I did not. I quietly paid an expensive bill I shouldn't have had to. To make it worse, I tipped her too. I cried all the way home for not only did I look like crap, i knew I had acted ridiculously like a wimp when any other person would have stood up for themself.

My inner voice is that of my mother admonishing me. When things like this happened to me as I was growing up she always found some reason to tell me it was my fault. She also was adamant that one not draw uneccessary attention to themself. So when situations like this arrive, I shut up and endure it all. Afterall (in her voice) I keep telling myself if I make a fuss, "What would people think?"

Can anyone relate to this? How do you cope with it? How far would you let things get before finally reacting?
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Default Jan 08, 2019 at 07:24 AM
  #2
I'm so sorry, WishfulThinker66 I can definitely relate to what you wrote. I have problems standing up for myself as well. It's hard to deal with. I think a way to cope with it would be to drop some hints without being too explicit. You could try to say that the hair looked different from what you expected, for example. It's not easy and it doesn't always work, but it could be a start. I think it's important to do some exercise in that regard, for our own well-being. Also if you're having problems with your mother, maybe it would be good to work on them as well. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. Please don't give up, standing up for ourselves is hard but it can be done. Remember that you're not alone in this. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Jan 08, 2019 at 09:07 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
Also if you're having problems with your mother..... Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. Please don't give up, standing up for ourselves is hard but it can be done. Remember that you're not alone in this. Sending many hugs to you
Mom has long since passed yet she will forever have her grip upon me.

Thanks for your very kind words. I do have therapy for anxiety. Nothing as of yet has come up to cope with this.
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Default Jan 08, 2019 at 09:13 AM
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I can definitely relate. While I’ve gotten better at speaking up for myself, there are many situations that I don’t. I think it’s something we practice. Fake it till you make it perhaps? This is a good topic to discuss and I find that my discussions on PC motivate me to take action IRL. can you stand up for yourself?
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Default Jan 08, 2019 at 10:57 AM
  #5
I can relate to you allot my Mom always put blame on me, nothing I could do was right with her. Also if i did anything good she would ask me do i expect a gold medal or something. She always pointed the finger at me. She died when i was 15 years old and still hear her in my head. I find it's easier to stand up for others. Hugs
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Default Jan 08, 2019 at 11:22 AM
  #6
I see that this could be on account of the way we were raised. Being raised not to have a voice or opinion has a factor now in adulthood. I suppose I make up for that in spades now. But yet when it comes to myself I get wishy washy - especially when it means advocating for myself when things aren't going the right way or are outright wrong. The message I got was that I wasn't worth it to speak up about, that you shouldn't be heard to complain, and that doing so was not ladylike. Remain silent until spoken to sort of thing. This has translated to getting walked over - something I experienced in two long-term abusive relationships.

I find it easy to do these things as an anonymous second self - to air my opinions and grievances in a way I could not do in real life. Yeah, I am aware this gets me into trouble. I crave having such balls to do so for real.
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Default Jan 09, 2019 at 07:57 AM
  #7
I used to have problems but it took sobriety for me to set boundaries to stand up for myself. Something I tell myself is conversation doesnt have to be confrontation. Standing up for yourself doesnt have to be this negative thing. I am direct and honest now- sometimes blunt but a lot of people are more receptive to this than you think.

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Default Jan 11, 2019 at 11:56 AM
  #8
I'm so sorry to hear about what you had to go through at the salon. May you be reimbursed in another way by someone else. I believe in karma and I believe that the heaven above sees your integrity and will reward you.

It's hard for me to speak up for myself too and I empathize with you. I am still experiencing growing pain in this area. I don't have the best advice for you, other than that you should establish boundaries on what you are willing and not willing to tolerate from others (and if possible, get an accountability partner or a therapist to help you stick to it....I think you could even use a habit tracker for this too).



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Default Jan 11, 2019 at 02:12 PM
  #9
So I reached my breaking point. Unfortunately it came with a bit of a melt down. But my foot came down and I told them there was no crossing the line.
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Default Jan 11, 2019 at 07:16 PM
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So I reached my breaking point. Unfortunately it came with a bit of a melt down. But my foot came down and I told them there was no crossing the line.
Good for you!
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Default Jan 12, 2019 at 06:18 AM
  #11
Well they acted upon it. Thank goodness because I thought I was going to crack up if the situation continued. Yeah, it crossed the breaking point. My actions could have been a lot worse. I just wish I had been able to speak up earlier. My actions though resulted in some improvements in the entire department at work for which, while expressing concern of my stressed out behaviour, my coworkers are also expressing thanks. It took a melt down unfortunately to draw attention to how wrong things were. It shouldn't have had to happen. But regardless of how it came about, I caused positive change. Work is a little easier to go into now.

But a lesson learned - don't let it get to the breaking point in the first place. I just hope I can manage this in the future. Learn to speak up before the situation gets out of hand.
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Default Jan 16, 2019 at 12:58 PM
  #12
Usually I can and do stick up for myself.I learnt to do so a few years back.I used to always be silent and withdrawn no matter what anyone said or did which made me a target for bullies and aggressive types.I just got so fed up of being trodden on and walked all over ,one day I decided to do something about my fear of speaking up for myself.I returned some shoes that caused me blisters to the shoe shop and assertively asked for my money back,the manager refused,so I had a full blown argument with her in public and I was shouting at the top of my voice and drawing attention to myself.I still didn't get my money back but I got my confidence and self esteem back.After that I was no longer afraid of people and I learnt to be assertive ,I learnt my needs matter too and my voice needs to be heard equally with other's voices.

So ever since then I have been good at at sticking up for myself,so I was surprised when I got bullied at art class yesterday.They caught me off guard and I wasn't fully present and aware in my body and mind.I didn't register at first that I was being verbally abused and when I did realise,I froze and kept quiet,I remained silent,though I was calm and ignored what they said.I walked out at the end of the session as if it had never happened.I have been beating myself up for that.But now I am resolved if it happens again to confront it.I hate when the bullies get away with it but I hate more that I allowed them to affect my self esteem.So I am resolving from now on to speak up and stop them drowning out my voice.
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 11:10 PM
  #13
Not always

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Default Jun 11, 2019 at 04:12 PM
  #14
Yes, I definitely have trouble setting boundaries. Recently I accepted a job which was way too much for me to take on at one time and I just ended up quitting it. So, I wish I would have thought more before accepting it. But whatever. I guess I learned now.
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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 09:54 PM
  #15
Yes, Wishful Thinker, I relate to this so much. Particularly the hair salon. I would be the same way.

Hairdresser: *gives awful haircut*
Me: "Thank you, it looks great!"

Lol

I actually saw a meme of this exact same thing. I think other people struggle with the hair salon too. There used to be a humor page called "awkward conversations with the hairdresser."

But I'm very sorry you had that experience. Being drenched in a cold shower should not be part of a hair salon experience! And our hair is important. It does matter to us.

Yes I can relate to not wanting to "rock the boat." And for me it comes from my past and ppl close to me like mt mother as well.

I don't think you should be so hard on yourself, Wishful Thinker. A lot of people struggle with confrontation. If it really bothers you a lot though, consider taking steps to be more assertive in your communications. The Assertiveness Workbook is a good book (don't know who the author is) if you're looking to learn through a book.

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Default Jun 12, 2019 at 09:57 PM
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Oh my, I just saw this thread is from January! My bad! Wherever you are on your assertiveness journey, I wish you well.
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Default Jul 04, 2019 at 08:06 AM
  #17
not very easily no.

I often don't understand how to be assertive. I get confused when a situation comes up as I don't understand what is the proper response in respect to myself. I ruminate later on and consider what I could and perhaps should have done but its too late then....
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Default Jul 04, 2019 at 08:10 AM
  #18
I verbally defend myself and draw my boundaries but then nobody changes to respect me or cares if they lose me, so I just eventually go along.

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