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Default Jan 10, 2019 at 12:39 AM
  #1
How do you stop feeling guilty for setting boundaries with demanding people to take care of yourself? How do you maintain a self-confidence in your compassionate ability even when they try to make you feel guilty?
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Default Jan 10, 2019 at 01:42 AM
  #2
An option is to not try to stop feeling guilty.

That option is to go ahead and do the right thing, even though you feel guilty.

You can do the right thing even though you lack self-confidence in your choice and even though you feel guilty.

We can’t control our feelings in the moment, but we can choose to do the right thing.
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Default Jan 11, 2019 at 01:09 AM
  #3
That's an important question Ennie. And I wish I had a simple answer!

I would suggest breaking the thoughts down step by step in each situation and challenging the thoughts in your own mind..."I feel guilty because I set a boundary with ________ which I had a right to do because boundaries help people to feel safe. If I ignore boundaries, that is not good for me or for _______ so I am doing the right thing here. If ________ is not okay with my limits, then that is for him/her to deal with on their own time. I'm not going to spend more time thinking of it. Instead I will go and _______ (whatever brings you comfort or joy)"

Perhaps it could help you to investigate the roots of your guilt. Hint: the person(s) who raised you. Is/was guilt a factor in that relationship? An experienced therapist could be really helpful there.

When I am struggling with an unpleasant or confusing feeling, I find guided meditation very helpful. If you are interested, you can try going to YouTube with a search for 'guided meditation for dealing with guilt' or 'guided meditation for empowerment.' Lots of wonderful options.

Peace and healing energy to you
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Default Jan 11, 2019 at 01:21 AM
  #4
Another possible way to think about it...

everything begins with the Self. Being kind and gentle and understanding with the Self (and the Self's need for boundaries) is the foundation for any healthy attachment to another person. We honor and protect the Self first; after that we can share and honor others The other way around does not go well...I have lived through that myself...I needed to love myself first before I supported others.
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Default Jan 11, 2019 at 11:42 AM
  #5
My counselor knows I am on PC, so I will bring your suggestions up at our next session.
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Default Apr 16, 2019 at 11:23 PM
  #6
I’m thinking of you and wondering how it’s going ennie

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Default Jul 15, 2019 at 01:58 AM
  #7
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I’m thinking of you and wondering how it’s going ennie
I did it, @Fuzzybear and @Bill3. I'm realizing I posted this back in January.

I've made some progress.

I focused on taking care of myself and not answering to stated or implicit demands.
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Default Jul 15, 2019 at 04:51 AM
  #8
Congratulations ennie!!



How have you been doing it?

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Default Jul 15, 2019 at 11:33 AM
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Congratulations ennie

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Default Jul 15, 2019 at 12:46 PM
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Congratulations ennie!!



How have you been doing it?

Someone wanted to hang out but I was finding our time together very stressful. So I didn't make time for her.

Ok, that's not the big progress part, as I have done that with her before.

But here's the difference:

Before, I felt so guilty that I ended up eventually reaching out to her to "make up" for not hanging out for a while. I let her "looks" and silent treatment make me feel like I need to "correct" my unavailability. But then this "makeup-hangout" also turned out to be stressful.

So this time, after declining her offer to hang out, I didn't reach back out to her. I told myself that I have already given this tries and don't need to try anymore. I don't need to constantly put myself in a stressful situation trying to accommodate someone else's requests. I am not obligated to do that and I deserve to do what gives me peace.

P.S. Also, I feel bad when someone tells me she has no one else to hang out with. But now I am realizing that it is not my job to fill in someone else's void. I mean, it's good to have compassion for others, but also for self.
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