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Member
Member Since Aug 2017
Location: U.S.
Posts: 25
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#1
I’ve never wanted to be me. I’ve always wanted to be things that I wasn’t.
I wanted to be tall and thin. Even though my short and curvy body has always been appealing. I wanted to be good at something like math or science or business. I thought it was hopelessly uncool to be good at English, history, foreign languages, or really anything I’m good at. I didn’t see how amazing it is that I can do the things I can with words and language. I wanted to be outgoing and superficial. I didn’t see the value in my quiet, investigative nature, or my capacity for depth and abstract thinking. I wanted to like sports and enjoy working out. I didn’t honor my own dislike for being sweaty and out of breath. I didn’t see liking to be clean and cool as valid choices. I didn’t see how good it is to love reading, and to love sewing and crafting and making things. I wanted to be practical and logical, instead of emotional, creative, and romantic. I didn’t see how considering people’s thoughts and feelings is a positive thing, not a weakness. Why was I so afraid to end up being a teacher or a librarian or an editor, or an attorney, a psychologist, a professor - when one of those careers might have suited me to a T? (Although I am an editor, of sorts - I’ve been a technical writer and editor for about 15 years.) Will I ever learn to love my real self? And how did I get this way? What happened to make me devalue myself and think everything I’m *not* was better? |
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Discombobulated, wonderluster
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Elder
Member Since Jul 2017
Location: MO
Posts: 5,677
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#2
Hi, Catrionn,
You can learn to love your real self. I have accomplished that in my life. What you have written is a lot to look at all at once. Did any answers bubble up in your mind to shed light on this once you got it out and on paper, so to speak? Is there a chance someone you grew up with taught you to not value yourself? Your technical writing covers which topics? __________________ "Love you. Take care of you. Be true to you. You are the only you, you will ever know the best. Reach for YOUR stars. You can reach them better than anyone else ever can." Landon Clary Eason Grateful Sobriety Fangirl Since 11-16-2007 Happy Sober Crafter |
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wonderluster
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Member
Member Since Aug 2017
Location: U.S.
Posts: 25
6 25 hugs
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#3
What I tried to do, when I wrote that little essay, was to point out the things that are good about me - as a balance to all those things I wish I was, that I’m not. For example - I always wanted to be tall and thin, yet I’m short and curvy. But I have had more than one person in my life who liked my body and thought it was good the way it is. And (since this is supposed to be SELF-esteem) there has been more than one occasion when I have had to admit to myself that I looked pretty good.
Then I did the same thing with the other traits - I’m trying to make myself notice the good things about me. My father was always very critical and never seemed satisfied with me. He was quick to point out the ways that I was less than perfect. He’s gotten a lot better over the years, but the damage was done when I was a little kid. I also got bullied by other kids sometimes. I’ve been an IT technical writer for about 15 years. In my present job, I do more actual editing and rewriting - and I love that. I actually enjoy fixing badly-written documents. |
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Discombobulated, wonderluster
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Member
Member Since Jun 2017
Location: 2nd floor
Posts: 272
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#4
Actually, we have no clue who or what our real selves are.
We are all works in progress. Pass it on... |
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Catrionn
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