advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-09-2019, 01:18 AM   #1
Animallover4ever
Newly Joined
Animallover4ever has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: NC
Posts: 1
Confused Help me feel worthy, please

There is something about me that makes me so insignificant to people. Iím not sure what it is, but I often find that Iím ignored, interrupted or flat out invisible. I canít think of any situation where someone has taken notice or cared about anything I have ever said or done. I try to talk to people, but they seem completely uninterested as you watch them gazing off, looking for an out. I have always been told that I have a wonderful personality and fun to be around. But since moving to a new area over five years ago, I am losing all confidence in myself. I used to feel worthy, beautiful, desired, fun and interesting. For the last five years though, I have not been able to make friends. I try! I try to engage in conversation, but the blank and uncaring stare from everyone makes it really difficult to continue on.

I have been with my boyfriend for over five years now too. He has multiple groups of friends who want nothing to do with me. I watch new people come into those groups and they are fully accepted with open arms. I often find myself trying to squeeze into the circle of conversations. At least so Iím not just staring at someoneís back, which is not uncommon, and looking like a weirdo.

Group A of his friends is a mixture of men and women of probably around 25-30 people. It varies in age too, so quite diverse. That group started with 5 people when I met my boyfriend. It has grown that much. They have a group text that every single one of those people is a part of, including my boyfriend. Even though some have been part of the group for less than a year, they are on that group text. Iíve been around for a lot longer and have never been invited or not even a hint to ask if I want to be on the group chat. The group chat is for reaching out to others to make plans and see what each other is doing if someone gets bored, etc. They keep each other informed of events as well. Not only that, these friends just act like I donít exist. I try to talk to them and I could be telling an amazing story or something completely relatable to them, but I am always cut off. Everyone else is listened to. Apparently what others have to say is way more important. I canít tell you how many times I have started with an opening line of ďwhat have you been up to?Ē, ďwhat did you get into last weekend?Ē, etc. I always get a variety answer of ďnot muchĒ and at that point they turn to talk to someone else. Over five years and Iím still not accepted. It really takes a toll on me to keep trying. Sometimes I wonder if I should just move on from my boyfriend as to avoid having to deal with this.

Group B is a similar situation. However, this group is all female. The main few girls Iíve known now for over five years. The group has expanded to about 12 now. I just learned from another girl (who is new to the group) that thereís a group chat with them too. She asked me ďare you in the group text?Ē Wow, was that a hit because no, Iím not and this is the first Iím hearing of it. She didnít know of my exclusion. She actually is the only one who has been accepting of me, which has felt nice for once. But since sheís part of the larger group, Iím not sure how much we will get to know each other. Mainly because I feel like Iíve already been discarded by the larger group and if sheís a follower at all, then Iíll be ignored by her eventually. This group chat is the same as Group A...to make plans with each other. As with Group A as well, Iím constantly interrupted and/or ignored.

One final note that may or may not be related to my feeling of insignificance. As mentioned, Iíve been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. Iíve watched soooo many ďfriendsĒ who have dated for 2 years or less go on to get married and start their lives. By the way, I havenít been invited to any of those weddings, but I digress. Anyway, it does make me feel sad that Iíve been with him for so long and no sign of marriage at all. He claims that Iím ďthe oneĒ, but Iím a level-headed gal who believes actions speak louder than words. So to watch all of these ďyoungĒ relationships develop much faster than ours does sort of make me feel not worthy. Like ďwhat do these girls have that I donít?Ē It doesnít help that I know about him and his ex who dated for 5 months were talking marriage before they broke up. So, here I am over 5 years in and no talk. Also, the women in my family are all with men that do ANYTHING for them. I donít have that, for sure. Itís disheartening because I wonder whatís wrong with me. Why are they put on a pedestal and Iím not? I would love to be doted on! Again, what do these women have that I donít?

**if you have made it this far, thank you sooo soo much and I promise thereís not much more**

My customers seem to love me. I always make them laugh or have intelligent conversations with them. Just depends on the situation. But, that has given me a glimmer that Iím not this dull human being that my boyfriendís friends have made me believe that I am. However, my customers are my customers and I donít like to mix business with pleasure. So I canít even consider them friends. The glimmer I have with customers doesnít last because it only takes an instant with Group A or B to make me feel worthless again.

Nothing can make invisibility easier to deal with in any way, whether youíve dealt with this your whole life or new to it. I used to be popular, always nice and people genuinely loved being around me. You can tell these things. Nothing about me has changed other than a few extra pounds, so what HAS changed? Why am I all of a sudden a plague these last five years? I have never done anything to any one of these people. Iím always friendly, supportive and smiling. Iím not so much worried about making friends at this point as I am worried about what in me has changed that people seem to not like.

One thing is for sure, Iím not imagining or having a pity party in any sense. I have been witnessing this for far too long for it to be my imagination at this point. I truly want to get to the bottom of this and not be so insignificant and invisible. My self-confidence and self-esteem is at an all-time low. On top of that, Iím not sure about depression, but I often feel down because of everything. I feel so unworthy and sad! Can someone please give some insight or tell me how to overcome invisibility?
Animallover4ever is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 09-09-2019, 01:00 PM   #2
Yzen
Poohbah
 
Yzen's Avatar
Yzen has no updates.
 
Member Since: Apr 2016
Location: North America
Posts: 1,493
3 yr Member
1,968 hugs
given
Default Re: Help me feel worthy, please

You are not insignificant. Since you moved 5 years ago, maybe you are very sensitive to people's reaction to you. I am that way (even without moving to a new area). I think I sometimes judge a potential friendship before it even begins and give up on it if I see any sign of disinterest. I have to learn to stick with it even when I don't feel I fit in.

I hope you find an answer.

Welcome to the forum!
Yzen is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 09-09-2019, 01:44 PM   #3
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,659 (SuperPoster!)
127 hugs
given
Default Re: Help me feel worthy, please

Hey @Animallover4ever

Quote:
Originally Posted by Animallover4ever View Post
I have been with my boyfriend for over five years now too. He has multiple groups of friends who want nothing to do with me. I watch new people come into those groups and they are fully accepted with open arms. I often find myself trying to squeeze into the circle of conversations. At least so Iím not just staring at someoneís back, which is not uncommon, and looking like a weirdo.
Does your bf notice that his friends ignore you? How does he feel about it?
Quote:
Group A of his friends is a mixture of men and women of probably around 25-30 people. It varies in age too, so quite diverse. That group started with 5 people when I met my boyfriend. It has grown that much. They have a group text that every single one of those people is a part of, including my boyfriend. Even though some have been part of the group for less than a year, they are on that group text. Iíve been around for a lot longer and have never been invited or not even a hint to ask if I want to be on the group chat. The group chat is for reaching out to others to make plans and see what each other is doing if someone gets bored, etc. They keep each other informed of events as well. Not only that, these friends just act like I donít exist.
Have you ever asked if you can join the text? Have you asked your bf if you can be included?

Quote:
Over five years and Iím still not accepted. It really takes a toll on me to keep trying. Sometimes I wonder if I should just move on from my boyfriend as to avoid having to deal with this.
Do you think they are deliberately trying to exclude you? Like they are collectively out to get you because they hate you? Is it possible that their assumption is that you enjoy being a listener or that you are low key? Its still not fair because they are obviously self absorbed to cut you off mid-sentence to talk about themselves or each other.\
Quote:
Group B is a similar situation. However, this group is all female. The main few girls Iíve known now for over five years. The group has expanded to about 12 now. I just learned from another girl (who is new to the group) that thereís a group chat with them too. She asked me ďare you in the group text?Ē Wow, was that a hit because no, Iím not and this is the first Iím hearing of it. She didnít know of my exclusion. She actually is the only one who has been accepting of me, which has felt nice for once. But since sheís part of the larger group, Iím not sure how much we will get to know each other. Mainly because I feel like Iíve already been discarded by the larger group and if sheís a follower at all, then Iíll be ignored by her eventually.
So I understand.... your bf is friends with a group of all women? When the new girl asked if you were in the group text did you ever consider saying "No, but I'd like to. Can you invite me?"
Quote:
One final note that may or may not be related to my feeling of insignificance. As mentioned, Iíve been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. Iíve watched soooo many ďfriendsĒ who have dated for 2 years or less go on to get married and start their lives. By the way, I havenít been invited to any of those weddings, but I digress.
Was your bf invited?
Quote:
Anyway, it does make me feel sad that Iíve been with him for so long and no sign of marriage at all. He claims that Iím ďthe oneĒ, but Iím a level-headed gal who believes actions speak louder than words. So to watch all of these ďyoungĒ relationships develop much faster than ours does sort of make me feel not worthy. Like ďwhat do these girls have that I donít?Ē
Do not compare yourself to other women-ever. This is his issue. Its part your issue because you havent set any boundaries or made your needs known but he also knows what he wants and if its you I do not see the need for years of endless dating. Personally I would be straight forward-after all you are putting up with a lot already. Keep the emotion out of it:
" We have been dating for 5 years and you have told me I am "the one". I am curious as to why you do not want to marry the girl you say is "the one" after all this time. I want marriage and a future and a family and if your intentions are not to marry me then lets part ways now before it gets ugly."

Quote:
Nothing can make invisibility easier to deal with in any way, whether youíve dealt with this your whole life or new to it. I used to be popular, always nice and people genuinely loved being around me. You can tell these things. Nothing about me has changed other than a few extra pounds, so what HAS changed? Why am I all of a sudden a plague these last five years? I have never done anything to any one of these people. Iím always friendly, supportive and smiling. Iím not so much worried about making friends at this point as I am worried about what in me has changed that people seem to not like.
You will never feel worthy if you are looking to base that one what other people think of you. Why assume that something about you has changed or is wrong? Maybe these people are a bunch of shallow, vapid assholes. Maybe they know you see through them and do not engage with you because of that. If you want to feel good about yourself or worthy or have purpose then find something to volunteer with. ANYTHING. From the soup kitchen to the senior center, reading to kids at the library, candy striper. Anything that involves giving of yourself and expecting nothing in return. I promise you you will feel better.

One thing is for sure, Iím not imagining or having a p
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 09-09-2019, 01:46 PM   #4
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,659 (SuperPoster!)
127 hugs
given
Default Re: Help me feel worthy, please

Help me feel worthy, please
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 09-09-2019, 03:47 PM   #5
Skeezyks
Apparition
 
Skeezyks's Avatar
Skeezyks has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2015
Location: L'Etoile du Nord
Posts: 18,576 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
13.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Smile Re: Help me feel worthy, please

Hello Animallover4ever: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I noticed this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central. One additional forum that may be of interest to you would be the relationships forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/relat...communication/

I'm sorry I don't think I would know what to tell you about the experiences you've been having with your boyfriend & his circles of friends. But I do believe what you've experienced is real. I just don't know why it happens. Personally my inclination, in these kinds of situations, is to say we can never really know what's going on in other peoples' minds. And so, that being the case, what's important may not be to expend mental energy trying to figure out why what's happening is occurring but rather to focus on what to do about it.

If all of this has been going on for 5 years the chances are, I would surmise, nothing of significance is likely to change with these people. So perhaps the answer is to stop trying to "belong" to these groups & go out & find other people who will value you for who you are. I know that's easy for me to say. But I'm afraid it may be the only solution. The alternative may be to just keep beating your head against the proverbial brick wall & feeling more-&-more rejected, depressed & invisible. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post.

Here are links to 2 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of feeling invisible. I don't know as there are any answers in these. But I thought it might at least be of some interest to see what these writers have to say on the subject. And then, since you mentioned depression, I've provided you with links to 3 articles on that subject including a link to PC's depression quiz:

The Loneliness and Shame of Feeling Invisible: How to Find Your Voice

Do You Ever Feel Invisible? | Bonding Time

Depression: Symptoms, Types & Treatments | Psych Central

Living with Depression: A Guide for Coping with Depressive Feelings | Psych Central

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/depression-quiz/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
__________________
Speak only if you can improve upon the silence.
Skeezyks is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 09-11-2019, 08:23 AM   #6
Bill3
Wise Elder
Bill3 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 9,038 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
17.9k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Help me feel worthy, please



A couple of things that bother me:

--your boyfriend has never gotten you on the Group A chat. Why ever not?
--after five years he hasn't committed to marriage. Why not, if you are "the one"?
--it sounds like you were doing fine in life until you moved five years ago (I have always been told that I have a wonderful personality and fun to be around. )

I wonder if it might be time to reassess your relationship with your boyfriend and/or the area you live in.

Something about the relationship and/or the place isn't allowing the real you to show forth in your true brightness and beauty.

Quote:
I used to feel worthy, beautiful, desired, fun and interesting.
You still are!!

Two questions come to mind:

What would it take for you to return to your former confident, shining self?

How long are you willing to wait in the status quo?

Bill3 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:47 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

advertisement

Psych Central Forums

Psych Central is the leading mental health website, overseen by mental health professionals since 1995.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider. .

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.
Please read the full disclaimer.