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Old 07-01-2020, 10:10 AM   #1
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Default Low self esteem

I think I have low self esteem or a possible mental health issue, I知 not really sure.

So I知 in my mid 30s and female. Throughout my time at school I was bullied by the boys for being ugly.

When I went abroad when I was 14 that changed because a man in his 20s wanted me to be in a sexual relationship with me. I refused to sleep with him and the following morning he got angry with me for saying no to him.

There is now this man at work who, I have been told by my coworkers, has been asking them to send him photos of me through Facebook, asking them for information on me and has been making dirty comments about me to them.

I知 not used to this sort of thing, at all. I don稚 even fit his criteria for his ideal woman since he has a calendar of perfectly formed models on his wall at his place (I went to a group party there once)

For one thing, I知 short - 52 - with equally as short legs. To get round this I wear heels.

I am small chested - I use padded/push up bras

I have puffy and dark eyes and a blemished face - I use makeup for this.

I only really use those measures for my appearance if I know I知 going out somewhere others will see me but the fact is that I hate my appearance and see myself as ugly.

If someone finds me attractive....I don稚 comprehend that, at all. I was told for 5 years of my life that I知 not.

I did a test for body dysmorphic disorder and I scored 41. A score over 40 I was told means I could very well have body dysmorphic disorder. I am to be starting counselling next week for anxiety caused by the lockdown and low self esteem but I just don稚 know.

Mentally I don稚 know how I am but my thoughts keep cycling in my head over what is going on because I can稚 understand. And when I don稚 understand something it can gradually wear me down and upset me.

Glad to be here at any rate and thank you for reading.
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Old 07-01-2020, 01:12 PM   #2
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Smile Re: Low self esteem

Hello Josephine: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central. Here's a link to the BDD forum, here on PC, just in case you haven't already found it:

You may also find the Anxiety forum to be of interest as well as the Psychotherapy forum:

And then here are links to 9 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that may be of interest... 4 on the subject of BDD, 2 on the subject of anxiety during the coronavirus pandemic, & 3 that offer tips for reducing anxiety in general:

Body Dysmorphic Disorder Symptoms

Treatment for Body Dysmorphic Disorder

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

P.S. Since you mentioned you'll be starting counseling next week here are links to 5 articles on what to expect during your first therapy appointment:

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
Speak only if you can improve upon the silence.

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Old 07-02-2020, 05:34 AM   #3
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Default Re: Low self esteem

Thank you so much for this, that's really helpful.

As far as I know I have counselling booked in for the 8 July.

Healthwise, physically, I'm feeling like I am deteriorating and I am now also potentially in trouble with my consultants for not taking my medication the way I should have been, mostly due to side effects I had on it, but I have difficulty dealing with pressure as there are other issues going on - I am due to start refresher training in my new job, my partner and I have been told to expect to be given notice on our flat we've only been in for 6 months, my mum has only been out of hospital for a couple of weeks because of pneumonia and a water infection and now this going on at work...I just don't need all this hassle. Well, it feels like hassle.

My memory has also been so, so bad. I can't even remember what dose I take of anything or when I last took it and for how long...I feel like my capability is just diminishing right now. x
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Old 07-02-2020, 09:00 AM   #4
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Default Re: Low self esteem

Hi and thank you, my health physically has now suffered too, memory has deteriorated. I've now got consultants on my case wondering why I'm not being compliant with my medication...I'm just going through a lot of stress, I've got about 4 different things going on in my life right now and I can't make the right decisions at present.

I'm just hoping that my therapist next week can help me with this and that my consultants try to get some sort of understanding.
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Old Yesterday, 10:51 PM   #5
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Default Re: Low self esteem

I don't really know much about body dysmorphic disorder, so I can't say anything about that.

But I can say I REALLY understand where you're coming from and relate a lot. My acne makes me feel so unattractive, it's caused by a medical condition that causes me to have a hormonal imbalance. But anyway, some of what you said, I've said too. I can't process people finding me attractive. I don't get it. I wouldn't know why anyone would find me attractive. I'm told people flirt with me, but I have it in my head no one would ever want to, so I don't even notice.

I'm just sharing so you know you're not alone. I really hope this gets better for you. Stay strong. It sounds like life is rough and overwhelming, just take it a day at a time and look into stress management.
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