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Old 03-22-2014, 05:30 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by mennayriu View Post
WOW. Thank you for posting that.


"In his seminal essay, "Understanding the Batterer in Visitation and Custody Disputes", Lundy Bancroft sums up the asymmetry in favor of the offender: "Batterers ... adopt the role of a hurt, sensitive man who doesn't understand how things got so bad and just wants to work it all out 'for the good of the children.' He may cry ... and use language that demonstrates considerable insight into his own feelings. He is likely to be skilled at explaining how other people have turned the victim against him, and how she is denying him access to the children as a form of revenge ... He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems, and may state that her family and friends agree with him ... that she is hysterical and that she is promiscuous. The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements. The abuser benefits ... when professionals believe that they can "just tell" who is lying and who is telling the truth, and so fail to adequately investigate.
Because of the effects of trauma, the victim of battering will often seem hostile, disjointed, and agitated, while the abuser appears friendly, articulate, and calm. Evaluators are thus tempted to conclude that the victim is the source of the problems in the relationship."

I cannot even begin to say how completely accurate this statement is concerning what my ex is doing to me AND his other child's mother.

I absolutely have to agree with this statement so much since my ex Did Do that to me and won custody of my daughter only for 9yrs later school social worker calls me and tells me my daughter is now the one being abused. Such a wonderful legal system we have!!
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Old 10-22-2014, 10:33 PM   #32
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Hi All,

Just wanted to recommend the documentary "Private Violence", which just premiered a couple of days ago on HBO. I included a detailed description below, but it's about advocacy for battered women, and is really excellent, very moving (and also very honest, so certainly consider whether it may be triggering for you). One of the questions that the film provides solid answers to is that question of "why don't they just leave?", so I think there is both education and understanding to be had here, for many.

They have a website, here Private Violence | Home and some resources, including a link to meetups for related advocacy groups where you can also catch showings of the film... or, request to host your own screening here.


Private Violence is a feature-length documentary film and audience engagement campaign that explores a simple, but deeply disturbing fact of American life: the most dangerous place for a woman in America is her own home. Every day in the US, at least four women are murdered by abusive (and often, ex) partners. The knee-jerk response is to ask: “why doesn’t she just leave?” Private Violence shatters the brutality of this logic. Through the eyes of two survivors – Deanna Walters, a mother who seeks justice for the crimes committed against her at the hands of her estranged husband, and Kit Gruelle, an advocate who seeks justice for all women – we bear witness to the complicated and complex realities of intimate partner violence. Their experiences challenge entrenched and misleading assumptions, providing a lens into a world that is largely invisible; a world we have locked behind closed doors with our silence, our laws, and our lack of understanding. Kit’s work immerses us in the lives of several other women as they attempt to leave their abusers, setting them on a collision course with institutions that continuously and systematically fail them, often blaming victims for the violence they hope to flee. The same society that encourages women to seek true love shows them no mercy when that love turns dangerous. As Deanna transforms from victim to survivor, Private Violence begins to shape powerful, new questions that hold the potential to change our society: “Why does he abuse?” “Why do we turn away?” “How do we begin to build a future without domestic violence?”

Kit Gruelle is a survivor of domestic violence and has worked as a battered women’s advocate and community educator for over 25 years. She educates advocates, criminal justice professionals, healthcare providers, faith leaders, educators and other allied professionals about domestic violence. She is dedicated to challenging the stereotypes and prevailing belief systems about violence against women and children and highlights the prevalence of out-of-date responses that do little to change the fundamental dynamics of domestic violence.

“We use our minds not to discover facts but to hide them. One of things the screen hides most effectively is the body, our own body, by which I mean, the ins and outs of it, its interiors. Like a veil thrown over the skin to secure its modesty, the screen partially removes from the mind the inner states of the body, those that constitute the flow of life as it wanders in the journey of each day.
Antonio R. Damasio, “The Feeling of What Happens: Body and Emotion in the Making of Consciousness” (p.28)
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Old 11-17-2014, 06:24 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by little*rhino View Post
You can't. None of this is black and white, or rarely is. One of the biggest hurdles in this stuff is discovering that you have to decide for yourself based on evidence... both concrete and circumstantial. You have to find your truth and then believe in it.. it's not easy.

you can't know what is in someone's mind.. MY T said that if you hit me you may not be intending to hurt me but if you do hit me the chances are that you probably are trying to hurt me. Something in it made a lot of sense.. we feel the energy of those around us, anger, sexual, everything... we sort of sense things. There is an awkwardness that most children will pick up on.. that somethnig isn't right. Small kids wouldn't even know some things are wrong.. but there is soemthing in it that makes them feel it is wrong somehow.

dont know if this helps

Thanks for this post. I had described it as 'not feeling right'. I know what you mean about sensing that something is 'off'.

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Old 11-28-2014, 06:30 AM   #34
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I know it comes from PC, yet has it's place, right here.

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Old 08-08-2015, 10:40 AM   #35
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Originally Posted by sabby View Post
Elysium had a good idea about posting a sticky thread for links to articles regarding abuse.

Here is her link to an article describing covert sexual abuse.
Well, according to that list, which is not exhaustive, that cousin of mine was an abusive bastard. Well I always knew that, talked to my sisters about it, who agreed with me that he was weird in general and they didnt like him either, and I refused to go back to see that part of my family at some point. That was some good sense, I'm proud of myself. I played it all down though, because it was way too embarrassing to talk about. I had such a disgust for him that I didnt want to think about it all afterwards, and I'm having a hard time remembering what exactly happened in the worst moment. There was no penetration though, "just" an attempt to violently take my clothes off, and pressing really hard with his knee against my genitals. It was painful. I hated him before, because he had been weird (must have been a sick asshole, when I think about it now), and I hated him afterwards. I'm not even sure how old I was, but it was before puberty, something between 10-12. He was older, 17 or 18. Well, it was sh**t, but I never thought I was sexually abused. I need to talk to my sisters about it, they will remember that story.
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Old 01-01-2016, 12:10 AM   #36
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Adult ADHD Often Associated with Childhood Abuse | Psych Central News

This article helped me understand the relationship between my childhood physical abuse and my ADD. I did however, feel kind of crappy that the abuse is somewhat my fault. If I had controlled my behavior better, my parents might have treated me AND my siblings better.
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."-Not Benjamin Franklin
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Old 04-29-2016, 07:31 PM   #37
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Trigger Warning

I hope I'm doing this right. Anyway, here's an article on mother-daughter sexual abuse.

Mother-daughter Sexual Abuse - Support for Survivors of Mother-daughter Sexual Abuse

I thought I'd post this. Just as an a resource for a subject that, in survivor circles, isn't talked about as often.
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Old 12-08-2016, 05:09 PM   #38
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Originally Posted by sabby View Post
Elysium had a good idea about posting a sticky thread for links to articles regarding abuse.

Here is her link to an article describing covert sexual abuse.

Please folks, be aware that some of the information may be quite triggering, so please enter and read with self care in mind.

If anyone else would like to post links that you found helpful and would like to share them with the community, please feel free to do so.

Just seen this! I have just started my own blog which talks about my experiences and I plan to write it almost as a diary with at least a couple of posts every week about what happened and what is still happening years later. Please give it a read. I'd love feedback and your support really means a lot! Thanks in advance!
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Old 04-30-2018, 11:15 AM   #39
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Recovery and self-pity:

Wonderful article on why it’s ok and important to feel sorry for yourself
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Old 11-07-2018, 09:26 AM   #40
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Can people be saved from a terrible childhood? | Lauren Zanolli | World news | The Guardian

At bottom there is a revolutionary idea. It’s about moving from ‘what’s wrong with you?’ to ‘what happened to you?’
Now if thou would'st
When all have given him o'er
From death to life
Thou might'st him yet recover
-- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631
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