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dorsey555
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Default Aug 15, 2007 at 06:34 PM
  #1
I wasn't sure which forum to go to with this, but then I thought, if anyone knows about imtimacy difficulties, it's survivors like us. I have a hx of molestation as a child and I've yet to have a real, honest, healthy relationship. It's something I want very much, but I didn't realize how afraid I am of real intimacy, not the kind that I've had over the years. I went on this dating site, and even though I've been told that a lot of the people are not who they say they are, at least it's giving me the opportunity to communicate and to share my thoughts without so much anxiety. I tried it months ago and found myself so scared, thinking that someone was going to come and get me,(even though I use a different zip code) I don't know if it's going to work out, but at least I'm going at my own pace, and I feel more in control somehow. How do you guys handle intimacy issues (i.e. letting someone get close to the "real" you)?

dorsey

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Default Aug 15, 2007 at 06:56 PM
  #2
Perhaps approach intimacy issues and dating with a long timeline of when to reveal the vulnerable parts of yourself....let's say you exchange either an email or telephone call with someone from the website..and the topic of church comes up...you could reveal a little....like my parents went to church and it was a little on the ironic side as they didn't always behave morally...i.e. revealing a LITTLE about your life....let's say the topic of who you've dated in the past comes up...reveal a LITTLE not that you've never had a real, honest, relationship....explain you're picky NOW because you've made some bad choices in the past....with time you can reveal a little more, a little more, it's a very slow process...people may tell you otherwise about dating websites yet I think it's great you're starting there- something about writing to someone via email instead of a live chat you can think about what you're writing- you can even sense how good their sense of humor is, if you add little jokes. I've found most people are pretty accepting of both mental illness AND past abuse, the great majority of the population...write us again and let us know more?

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dorsey555
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Default Aug 15, 2007 at 10:45 PM
  #3
Thanks Junerain!
If no one else comments on this subject, I think I'm ok..What you told me is a great start. I wrote on a post-it your main points and stuck it to my computer. I just went back to counseling so it gives me a chance to release some anxiety and to talk about my fears. THAT'S why two people stopped writing after I told them about losing my son? When I think about it that's something you tell face to face, and then not right away. It's hard not to feel like damaged goods, or to feel like I just don't have what it takes to have a healthy relationship. That maybe I should wait until I "weller". (when I'm 100) I'm not going to give up. I'll try to believe that that kind, sensitive, intelligent woman that I appear to be, that others say I am, is really me, and not some imposter. Thanks a hundred times..
dorsey

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Default Aug 16, 2007 at 08:54 PM
  #4
...if anyone has anything to share on the subject of intimacy, dating, overcoming your fears of allowing others to get close to you...I'm all ears...and eager to learn.
dorsey

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Default Aug 16, 2007 at 11:35 PM
  #5
Hi Dorsey,
Intimacy is tough for me. Those who are/have been close to me have always been a friend before a lover. Its easier for me to share with a friend--somebody I am not concerned about with sex or dating. After I know a friend has accepted me, I feel comfortable enough to take it to the next level.

Even when somebody becomes my lover, I have a difficult time letting them in too far. Its like I have an imaginary line that it is hard for people to get across...I think part of it is that as a child, I could not trust the adults in my life to take care of me--I had to take care of myself. In the past, those who did get close to me, abused me. I started protecting myself by not getting close to anybody. So, now it is hard for me to allow another person to get too close--to be a part of me--I've been on my own since I was a small child. Old habits die hard.

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Default Aug 17, 2007 at 11:40 AM
  #6
Hi Dorsey. While my situation was not the same, I can relate. I was raped by my ex husband 1 month into our marraige. That was 6 years ago and I still can't deal with it. I am however in a really good relationship. But like DepressMe said....you will have to build a friendship with someone before you can do anything else. You WILL have to have a lot of trust. DH and I were friends before anything, he knew my sistuation with the ex and the abuse. I don't know you...but I hate to hear you say that you feel as though you are "damaged goods". You are a strong person.....we all are for making it through the things we have. There are times were I feel as though the whole world is caving in....as I'm sure many of us do. But you are not damaged goods. And you are not alone.
I'm not sure if I have really helped you, but wanted you to know that I read your post and that I hope and pray nothing but the very best for you and the life you have ahead of you. One day, the right thing will come along. And although you will probably always have to "deal" with this I hope it will get easier for you and you will have someone in your life to love you, accept you, be patient with you, and be there for you in any and every way possible....In the mean time....You have to be happy with you in order to be happy with someone else.

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Default Aug 18, 2007 at 12:04 AM
  #7
wow...thanks everybody. I feel hope. "damaged goods" is a lie I've been telling myself. No more..you are all examples of what i'm striving for.. I won't give up. I treasure every word..it's like i'm hearing this for the first time..maybe i'm ready now.
God bless you all,
dorsey

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Default Aug 19, 2007 at 10:34 PM
  #8
...Just wanted to talk..I've been on the dating site and thought that i was really developing a connection with this guy. upon his encouragement I shared my need to go slow in communicating, just writing..I talked about how I saw relationships, a little of my fears about opening up..well the guy stopped writing me. i was hurt, but not devastated. each time I get "rejected",it gets easier and I don't want to run and do something destructive. For some reason, having a relationship seems less important the more I see that there are no "saviors" that's going to come and take care of me. Maybe this is just a good excercise in being able to express myself in a safe way, maybe I will meet someone nice, maybe I won't, but going back on, reaching out with a "flirt",gives me a chance to do something that I never had a chance to do as a child. To "choose," even if it didn't work out. I do have something valuable to offer..me..

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Default Aug 24, 2007 at 01:15 AM
  #9
dorsey, i commend you for your courage. i had the same problems years ago with my husband, although he did nothing wrong. we met at college. he wanted to get close, and i couldn't let him get close to me. we were friends, though. 2 years after i dropped out of college due to mental health issues, we started writing to each other every month. we did things step by step and communicated as much as possible, so he knows how i feel or if i'm feeling overwhelmed. we became best friends, then began dating and starting a relationship. i was scared at first. we took it slow. step by step. as time went on. since we lived in different cities. we would visit each other on weekends. i was still living my mom at that time. he had an apartment. i couldn't make the step to visiting him at his apartment, but i could at his mom's. his mom offered me her home whenever i wanted to visit him. i did that plenty for 6 months before i felt ready to visit him at his apartment. it was awkward and bumpy for awhile. it tooks a few years to get over all of the issues i had with intimacy and such. we moved in with each other. a few years after that, we got married, and that was almost 4 years ago. i'm so grateful to be able to be in a relationship because i never could imagine that having a relationship would be so special and such a good thing before i got into the relationship with my husband. he's a really good, caring guy. and, it's amazing to be married to him. lol, i know it sounds like a fairy tale, but it's not. but, it's a really good relationship. we're not just lovers, we're each others' bestest friends.
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Default Aug 25, 2007 at 07:15 PM
  #10
Dorsey I think you are doing very well. I think the dating online thing is pretty tough. I looked on there before and I get overwhelmed just looking. I think it would be best like the others said to get to be friends first. But it takes a long time to even get to really know someone.

I'm trying to date someone that was molested as a child. We have known each other since 1976. We have been dating off and on for seven years. We have just dated again for about a month. The other morning I talked about losing two of my cousins to heart attacks in their 40's, they died in there sleep. I mentioned in passing that this side of my family gets together this weekend. How I want to quit working so much overtime because my cousins that died were doing that also and I remembered one didn't show up till late one year and passed away like two weeks later. I just didn't want to be working so much overtime and get so stressed out. They both died in Sept.

This morning he called me and said he has been thinking about this for three days and says he can't do this. Says that if he woke up and saw me turning blue he would freak. So he wouldn't see me at all this weekend, and that he doesn't know if he can see me again, that he thinks he is just going to be alone. That he lost his wife due to divorce and that was hard enough, so he didn't think he could handle losing me like that.

I should know not to even bring up anything at all like that. He trust me and the last adult he trusted that he could go to protect him was his dad and he passed away right before his marriage ended. I am the only one that knows he was molested. He has told no one. I usually try to smooth it over with the little boy in this 49 year old man. But this time I'm going to let it go. I've tried so many times. He says he is a man with the glass half full. But a man with the glass half full would say, "we better make the best of every day we have together because I don't want to miss nothing!" But he has been abused, has not seeked counselling and dwells in fear every second of his life.

So be careful, but keep living the way you are! Don't let fear control you!

I admire you, you are trying! Keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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