Does Anyone Else Feel a Strong Need to Fight Back Against Their Abuser??

happysobercrafter · Jun 27, 2018 at 10:31 PM

I think I can relate to what you are saying. I was badly abused by my two older sisters. I think they trashed me to cousins and aunts and uncles, blaming me for my absence from the family. I distance myself to manage anxiety. I am better now and don't have to so much.

I want to email those two because I want them to know that I now know what really happened and that I am regaining my life in spite of their best efforts to destroy me.

So, I think the question is, what will it really accomplish? Will you get the results you want?

Realistically, it is almost unheard of for abusers to step up and apologize for their behavior and how can I make it up to you. Not to say it hasn't happened. I was a terrible bully and I am working through making amends to people I abused.

What do you think in your heart? What do you need to accomplish doing that? You said you did write it down. Are you sure you got everything connected to that out of your head and down in writing so you can see it infront of you?

nicoleflynn · Jun 28, 2018 at 07:03 AM

I think the best thing we can do is write a letter to the abuser....of restorative justice....restorative justice says; this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU....to be able to use your voice. It is better than confronting them face to face, because most likely they will deny it....and argue and overtalk you.

Jun 30, 2018 at 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

I think I can relate to what you are saying. I was badly abused by my two older sisters. I think they trashed me to cousins and aunts and uncles, blaming me for my absence from the family. I distance myself to manage anxiety. I am better now and don't have to so much.

I want to email those two because I want them to know that I now know what really happened and that I am regaining my life in spite of their best efforts to destroy me.

So, I think the question is, what will it really accomplish? Will you get the results you want?

Realistically, it is almost unheard of for abusers to step up and apologize for their behavior and how can I make it up to you. Not to say it hasn't happened. I was a terrible bully and I am working through making amends to people I abused.

What do you think in your heart? What do you need to accomplish doing that? You said you did write it down. Are you sure you got everything connected to that out of your head and down in writing so you can see it infront of you?

thank you....

I don't know what I need..... I just need closure and to be past it already. It still hurts, the abusive things he said to me, his cruel words in the end. I know he will never own up or apologize. Somehow, I have to find closure on my own. Writing letters (that I won't send) does help, but I am still not over it. Argh.

Jun 30, 2018 at 02:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I think the best thing we can do is write a letter to the abuser....of restorative justice....restorative justice says; this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU....to be able to use your voice. It is better than confronting them face to face, because most likely they will deny it....and argue and overtalk you.

Thank you....

I suppose it will just take more time for me to get past this. As I wrote above, writing it out does help me, but also trying to focus on other things helps too ... to just move on. I want to move on and forget this abuser already. Enough is enough. ARGH.

happysobercrafter · Jun 30, 2018 at 07:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_eve

thank you....

I don't know what I need..... I just need closure and to be past it already. It still hurts, the abusive things he said to me, his cruel words in the end. I know he will never own up or apologize. Somehow, I have to find closure on my own. Writing letters (that I won't send) does help, but I am still not over it. Argh.

Oh, Sweetpea!! It takes work and time to get through those pains as best we can. You might need to write more letters to get as much of it out as you possibly can. When you no longer feel the need to cry or be so upset, you might have resolved it as best you can. Just, please, don't do anything where you could get hurt. Adding to your problems now will not help.

I hear you though, I have that feeling too. I want to say to them that I know what really went on and that they will never abuse me, bully me or hurt me ever again. Plus, I fantasize about them being on Dr. Phil and him giving them verbal beatings about their horrid behavior.

Take care of you, babes! xoxox

Jul 01, 2018 at 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

Oh, Sweetpea!! It takes work and time to get through those pains as best we can. You might need to write more letters to get as much of it out as you possibly can. When you no longer feel the need to cry or be so upset, you might have resolved it as best you can. Just, please, don't do anything where you could get hurt. Adding to your problems now will not help.

I hear you though, I have that feeling too. I want to say to them that I know what really went on and that they will never abuse me, bully me or hurt me ever again. Plus, I fantasize about them being on Dr. Phil and him giving them verbal beatings about their horrid behavior.

Take care of you, babes! xoxox

Awwww.... thank you ssoo much!

Yea, same here. I wish so badly I could tell him off, tell him where to go and confront him on everything he's done, but it would be a complete waste of time and would only bring on more abuse and more hurtful words. There's just no point. At least I am now working full time again and have other things to focus on besides the pain he inflicted upon me. Time will heal.......

downandlonely · Jul 01, 2018 at 11:46 AM

Sorry about the abuse. Are you in therapy? It might help you to have someone to talk this through with.

Jul 01, 2018 at 11:31 PM

Forever.....

Jul 02, 2018 at 05:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by downandlonely

Sorry about the abuse. Are you in therapy? It might help you to have someone to talk this through with.

Yes, I have a therapist and we're talking about it.

Oct 10, 2018 at 04:26 AM

Do whatever the situation calls for to fight back. Abusers will just continue to abuse others if you do nothing/say nothing. Speak up!

Oct 10, 2018 at 05:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heartlight

Do whatever the situation calls for to fight back. Abusers will just continue to abuse others if you do nothing/say nothing. Speak up!

I agree with this and typically have fought back in the past. There's one in particular I may hear from again. I've been debating about how I would reply IF I did hear from him, and IF I would even reply.

TishaBuv · 07:52 AM

That strong need to fight back is possibly PTSD. For me it manifests into emotional dysregulation. I start to tell the abuser how much they hurt me (fighting back), they NEVER show empathy or compassion, so my emotions blow up into a crying fit (then comes SH). This is my trigger, it’s been a pattern, yours is probably different. It all goes back to early childhood trauma and the same situation has happened over and over. It just happened again this week. I now see it so clearly for what it is. Maybe now I can stop it!

Your ex used and abused you and there’s nothing you can say or do to get him to show remorse. The DBT workbook radical acceptance is something good for you to read.

That’s what I’m doing.

As for exes who used and abused me in the past, I got over them in time. The anger went away on its own. Occasionally I recall the incident and a twinge of anger and pain comes back, but only for a moment. Nothing good became of any of the bad guys and that’s comforting to me.

Fuzzybear · Oct 10, 2018 at 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heartlight

Do whatever the situation calls for to fight back. Abusers will just continue to abuse others if you do nothing/say nothing. Speak up!

I agree with this ... they will continue to abuse others if nothing is said/done about their abuse. Which.. naturally.. they completely disown. Even an apology.. no.. they will never apologise or have remorse.

Oct 10, 2018 at 05:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

That strong need to fight back is possibly PTSD. For me it manifests into emotional dysregulation. I start to tell the abuser how much they hurt me (fighting back), they NEVER show empathy or compassion, so my emotions blow up into a crying fit (then comes SH). This is my trigger, it’s been a pattern, yours is probably different. It all goes back to early childhood trauma and the same situation has happened over and over. It just happened again this week. I now see it so clearly for what it is. Maybe now I can stop it!

Your ex used and abused you and there’s nothing you can say or do to get him to show remorse. The DBT workbook radical acceptance is something good for you to read.

That’s what I’m doing.

As for exes who used and abused me in the past, I got over them in time. The anger went away on its own. Occasionally I recall the incident and a twinge of anger and pain comes back, but only for a moment. Nothing good became of any of the bad guys and that’s comforting to me.

What I do is I end up name calling and telling them what a freaking A-hole they are and with swear words and any bad name I can think of. Then I cut them off entirely, or continue the blowout fight (past I'm talking about). Now, all I would do is simply say "you're a total monster, go away and never contact me again.". LOL.

But I hear you!!!! They never do own up to anything, OR show remorse OR empathy. It's like trying to get blood from a rock, saying that they've hurt you.

Oct 10, 2018 at 08:37 PM

They may not show empathy, remorse or apologize BUT seeing them arrested and sent to jail would give them a different perspective.

TishaBuv · Oct 11, 2018 at 05:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heartlight

They may not show empathy, remorse or apologize BUT seeing them arrested and sent to jail would give them a different perspective.

That is one effective way to fight back when the abuse was illegal.

Oct 12, 2018 at 04:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

That is one effective way to fight back when the abuse was illegal.

((TishaBuv)) Thanks!! Umm...and how is abuse ever considered legal?

TishaBuv · Oct 12, 2018 at 05:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Heartlight

((TishaBuv)) Thanks!! Umm...and how is abuse ever considered legal?

Verbal and emotional abuse is not illegal.

nicoleflynn · Oct 12, 2018 at 06:04 AM

In France, verbal abuse is illegal; we are so behind the times.

TishaBuv · Oct 12, 2018 at 06:15 AM

Liability for Abusive or Insulting Language | LegalMatch Law Library

Interesting information about the legal ramifications of abuse.

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nicoleflynn Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2012 Location: rochester, michigan Posts: 3,111 12 60 hugs given	Jun 28, 2018 at 07:03 AM #22 I think the best thing we can do is write a letter to the abuser....of restorative justice....restorative justice says; this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU....to be able to use your voice. It is better than confronting them face to face, because most likely they will deny it....and argue and overtalk you.
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downandlonely Legendary Member Since Mar 2018 Location: United States Posts: 10,760 (SuperPoster!) 6 10.6k hugs given	Jul 01, 2018 at 11:46 AM #27 Sorry about the abuse. Are you in therapy? It might help you to have someone to talk this through with.
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Anonymous59898 Guest Posts: n/a	Jul 01, 2018 at 11:31 PM #28 Forever.....
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Anonymous59898 Guest Posts: n/a	Oct 10, 2018 at 04:26 AM #30 Do whatever the situation calls for to fight back. Abusers will just continue to abuse others if you do nothing/say nothing. Speak up!
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Anonymous59898 Guest Posts: n/a	Oct 10, 2018 at 08:37 PM #35 They may not show empathy, remorse or apologize BUT seeing them arrested and sent to jail would give them a different perspective.
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nicoleflynn Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2012 Location: rochester, michigan Posts: 3,111 12 60 hugs given	Oct 12, 2018 at 06:04 AM #39 In France, verbal abuse is illegal; we are so behind the times.
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TishaBuv Legendary Member Since Dec 2014 Location: USA Posts: 10,183 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,869 hugs given	Oct 12, 2018 at 06:15 AM #40 Liability for Abusive or Insulting Language \| LegalMatch Law Library Interesting information about the legal ramifications of abuse. __________________ "And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!" . About Me--T
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