[Limabean777]

Hello

This is my first time on these forums so hope this is in the right place. This may be a long post so I apologise in advance.

I’m completely aware my ‘story’ is not as bad as most people’s I was never physically abused or otherwise but I grew up in an extremely toxic environment with a narcissistic emotionally abusive mother and an alcoholic avoidant father.

I’m 21 years old now and haven’t spoken to my mother since I was 17/18. When I was growing up my mother basically was vile to me. She used to either shout at me for hours and hours a day as a teenager/preteen calling me all sorts of names or she’d sometimes ignore me for weeks and sit in her bedroom with the door shut. In those periods often she wouldn’t do food shopping/give me money etc so sometimes would have to go without much to eat. She used to blame me for absolutely everything, everything was always my fault even when it had nothing to do with me. For example she blamed me for her and my father eventually separating, me being bullied as a child, the house being a mess when I was the only one who cleaned and so so many more things but I won’t bore anyone with them.

She used to try and sabotage any relationship I formed in my childhood/teen years, encouraging me to stop being friends with people, shouting at me when I’d go out or want to be with friends, refusing to let me go round friends houses when I was about 8 for no reason. Even going as far as threatening any boyfriend I’d have so they would always end up splitting up with me and as a teenager this broke my heart.

Possible trigger:

I ended up going ‘off the rails’ at about 14 resulting in 2 suicide attempts to get away for her and (almost) a drug addiction at 15/16

but I managed to pull myself out of it. All I have ever wanted it to get away from her but seems like shes still in the background trying to get under my skin and ruin anything good for me. There’s probably way more things she did to me but a lot of my childhood is blurry as I’ve blocked most of it out.

As a result as growing up in this environment I’m basically terrified of people and I don’t like being around people or forming friendships. I have BPD anxiety and clinical depression.

When my dad moved out at 15 she became worse directing her anger at me all the time making me so so so depressed so at 17 i had to move out with the help of social services. Ever since then I did try and talk to her a couple of times even discussing me moving back in but once again she turned on me so I’ve had no contact for almost 2 years. In this time I’ve settled down with someone and have a young baby. Despite me obviously not telling her and even going as far as not posting on any social media about him because I know she loves to stalk me online, she’s found out I’ve had a baby.

I’m now absolutely terrified she’s going to go out of her way to cause problems in my relationship, she’ll probably start messaging my significant other and stirring to ruin my relationship and my life once again.

Possible trigger:

I’m sure she won’t be satisfied until I kill myself successfully just to get away from her.

I’m so scared she’ll spread lies about something to my partner and he’ll end up leaving my with the baby. It seems like everytime I move on and get better there she is to pull me back down again.

So so fed up just want her to go away. I’m just waiting for her to ruin everything and for me to be left all alone again with nothing.

Sorry for the post but have nowhere else to go

[Skeezyks]

Hello Limabean: Since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to PsychCentral. One additional forum that may be of interest would be the relationships forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...communication/

And then here are links to 10 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that discuss the dilemma of having a narcissistic parent, (mother in particular):

Narcissistic Mothers

The Narcissistic Mother's Game | Therapy Soup

Recovering from Your Narcissistic Mother: Seeing the 6 Effects | Knotted: The Mother-Daughter Relationship

Healing from the Narcissistic Mother | The Recovery Expert

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-na...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping...sistic-parent/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhaust...istic-parents/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/recov...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/humor...ssistic-abuse/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi Lima,
My heart goes out to you,my m. was same.Can you
not TELL your partner BEFORE anything happens? Do every-
thing you can to steer clear of her and her poison. If you can,see if you can get this book: "Creating Love",by John
Bradshaw. The love he means,is self-love,and you will learn
much. As for your personal problems,I want you to remember this word:TRANSFERENCE; its something children do a lot of without knowing;they have transferred things from the parent that becomes embedded in their mind so
deeply,that the child actually thinks it is her/him! So try and
make the connections from past to present in order to stop
blaming dear self--IT IS NOT YOU-IT IS HER!
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[happysobercrafter]

Hi, Limabean777,

Omg, bless your heart, honey! What a nightmare for you. I can relate, my mother was a narcissistic monster too. Do you have a therapist or someone you can talk to about this? Does your partner know how destructive your mother is? I would imagine he probably does.

I am sitting trying to think what the best thing I can tell you is. Over the years, what helped me along with being in recovery and psychotherapy, was to read everything I could get my hands on about subjects I needed to know.

Narcissist are so vicious, they wound so deeply, especially the ones who raise us because they begin their reign of terror from day one.

I am glad you are no longer under her roof. But, I understand your fears. She has gotten herself into your head; that means she goes with you everywhere. I do hope you find someone you can trust to talk to who can help you, honey.

Please, never stop looking for the answers you need. I have had to relearn everything I was taught under my mother's terror upbringing. And it took me years, but I got through it. Believe you can too, honey, please, believe it. xoxoxoxox

[downandlonely]

You say your story is "not that bad" but it sounds really bad to me. You underwent emotional abuse, which is just as bad as physical abuse. But it's harder to understand that it's abuse and report it (especially when you're a child. If you don't have physical bruises, who's going to believe you?)

I am really glad you got away from her and now have a partner and baby. I think talking to your partner about what it was like for you growing up could help. Maybe let him read the post you made on here. It helped me understand what your mother is like, so it might help him too.

Do you have a restraining order against your mother? I'm wondering if that might help (although I'm in the US, so I'm not really sure how it works in the UK).

[Fuzzybear]

[rebeka]

Originally Posted by Limabean777

Hello

This is my first time on these forums so hope this is in the right place. This may be a long post so I apologise in advance.

I’m completely aware my ‘story’ is not as bad as most people’s I was never physically abused or otherwise but I grew up in an extremely toxic environment with a narcissistic emotionally abusive mother and an alcoholic avoidant father.

I’m 21 years old now and haven’t spoken to my mother since I was 17/18. When I was growing up my mother basically was vile to me. She used to either shout at me for hours and hours a day as a teenager/preteen calling me all sorts of names or she’d sometimes ignore me for weeks and sit in her bedroom with the door shut. In those periods often she wouldn’t do food shopping/give me money etc so sometimes would have to go without much to eat. She used to blame me for absolutely everything, everything was always my fault even when it had nothing to do with me. For example she blamed me for her and my father eventually separating, me being bullied as a child, the house being a mess when I was the only one who cleaned and so so many more things but I won’t bore anyone with them.

She used to try and sabotage any relationship I formed in my childhood/teen years, encouraging me to stop being friends with people, shouting at me when I’d go out or want to be with friends, refusing to let me go round friends houses when I was about 8 for no reason. Even going as far as threatening any boyfriend I’d have so they would always end up splitting up with me and as a teenager this broke my heart.

Possible trigger:

I ended up going ‘off the rails’ at about 14 resulting in 2 suicide attempts to get away for her and (almost) a drug addiction at 15/16

but I managed to pull myself out of it. All I have ever wanted it to get away from her but seems like shes still in the background trying to get under my skin and ruin anything good for me. There’s probably way more things she did to me but a lot of my childhood is blurry as I’ve blocked most of it out.

As a result as growing up in this environment I’m basically terrified of people and I don’t like being around people or forming friendships. I have BPD anxiety and clinical depression.

When my dad moved out at 15 she became worse directing her anger at me all the time making me so so so depressed so at 17 i had to move out with the help of social services. Ever since then I did try and talk to her a couple of times even discussing me moving back in but once again she turned on me so I’ve had no contact for almost 2 years. In this time I’ve settled down with someone and have a young baby. Despite me obviously not telling her and even going as far as not posting on any social media about him because I know she loves to stalk me online, she’s found out I’ve had a baby.

I’m now absolutely terrified she’s going to go out of her way to cause problems in my relationship, she’ll probably start messaging my significant other and stirring to ruin my relationship and my life once again.

Possible trigger:

I’m sure she won’t be satisfied until I kill myself successfully just to get away from her.

I’m so scared she’ll spread lies about something to my partner and he’ll end up leaving my with the baby. It seems like everytime I move on and get better there she is to pull me back down again.

So so fed up just want her to go away. I’m just waiting for her to ruin everything and for me to be left all alone again with nothing.

Sorry for the post but have nowhere else to go

oh, im really sorry, i hope it all works out