[starryprince]

Hey all. I haven't been on here in a minute so this will be a long one. I guess I've just been busy. I've been seeing a new therapist since February who, to put it quite frankly, is a horrible fit for me. I'm currently seeing a new therapist and am going to leave my current one.

For mye, my emotional abuse had more effect on me than my molestation (or effects that I can see, at least; I have issues around sex but that's a whole other topic). It doesn't help that people don't think of emotional abuse as serious. They just shrug it off. And I've always known that it's effected me in many different areas of my life. However, now these effects feel so stifling that I don't know what to do. I feel like a container that's about to pop open.

I'd love to share my life with someone special. I'd love to have a significant other, but these issues are just getting in the way of me putting myself out there. Granted, I have obstacles such as racism and other things but it's still hard. Due to my emotional abuse, I have a huge problem with being vulnerable and facing rejection. I get scared when people get angry at me because I'm afraid that they'll hate me and not want to talk to me anymore. I even dissociate when people show that they're angry at me. I go into panic mode. I'm afraid people will see my flaws and leave me. I've gotten more outspoken and I've always been extremely independent. But it's very hard for me. When I think of being in a relationship and my partner getting mad at me, I get filled with fear. When I mess up, I feel like such a failure. So I don't try as much as I would like to out of fear. I mean, I'm trying online dating but it hasn't been working. I've met a few people and even gone out with them but nothing has come out of it. I'm constantly deactivating my account due to that reason.

I accept other people's flaws but why can't I accept my own? Perfection is such a big thing for me to overcome. Perfection and being too independent. I grew up in a very "you don't need anyone" household and, while that's true, I would like companionship. Also, many people in my family (including my mom and grandma) are alone and they have had horrible, toxic relationships. I don't want my life to end up like that. I know that sounds silly but that's what I'm afraid of.

I have been working so hard on these issues resulting from abuse. It's not like I'm just sitting down. But I keep asking myself, "When will I be ready to get out there and date? When will I be able to face the possibility of rejection?"

You ever feel like you've been trying so hard to improve by yourself that you get to a point where the only way to keep going up is to start interacting with other people to improve your social skills? That's where I am right now. I'm just terrified of being rejected. I've gotten rejected so many times from putting myself out there and opening up about my feelings that I'm scared. Terrified, really.

I've read "Daring Greatly" by Brené Brown and it really changed my life. It really taught me how to be vulnerable and I've started doing the exercises in the book. It's just so hard.

I think, "Would I be like this is I wasn't abused as a child for so long?" I'm just tired.

Anyways, I hope this made sense. I have more to write but I can't articulate my thoughts. If you read all of this, thank you.

[nicoleflynn]

I was also abused as a child and in a 31 year abusive marriage. Unfortunately, life is about rejection and loss, but we all have a choice...to live our lives as joyfully as we can. I hope you will take the chance. Most people are afraid of rejection and it takes courage to keep putting ourselves out there (I have been on a dating site for 17 years; now that is some major rejection, but I keep trying;as you never know what can happen.) Don't allow fear to keep you from living the life you want; you get to choose.

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I was also abused as a child and in a 31 year abusive marriage. Unfortunately, life is about rejection and loss, but we all have a choice...to live our lives as joyfully as we can. I hope you will take the chance. Most people are afraid of rejection and it takes courage to keep putting ourselves out there (I have been on a dating site for 17 years; now that is some major rejection, but I keep trying;as you never know what can happen.) Don't allow fear to keep you from living the life you want; you get to choose.

You're 100% right. My mom told me to keep my profile open on the online dating site because things can change in an instant. I keep telling myself that, that I'm in control of my life, not fear. It's hard to get over it...I'm trying, but it's very hard. I will keep what you said in mind, as it is good advice. Thank you.

Spending some time in therapy until you are ready to date again can help.

I tend to be a perfectionist too, and was advised to find someone who is very laidback/ relaxed to balance me out. Maybe you can choose someone with a de-stressing personality. I don't think that there is anything wrong with you. It's just a matter of finding the right balance in your life and in your relationships.

I wish you good luck and happiness !

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by ennie

Spending some time in therapy until you are ready to date again can help.

I tend to be a perfectionist too, and was advised to find someone who is very laidback/ relaxed to balance me out. Maybe you can choose someone with a de-stressing personality. I don't think that there is anything wrong with you. It's just a matter of finding the right balance in your life and in your relationships.

I wish you good luck and happiness !

I've been in therapy for 4 years. But I agree with you. I think I need to figure things out. I mean, I've made a lot of progress but relationships are just scary me. I've never really dated. I've just went on one date, and the other person I met was just a hangout. So my past and current therapist were thinking that I should try to slowly get out there. It's very hard, though.

That's exactly what I was thinking. I think someone who balances us out would be a great fit. What you said is completely right. And thanks a lot for saying that you don't think there is anything wrong with me. It's nice to hear that validation, as sometimes I truly DO believe that something is wrong with me.

And thank you very much! I wish you good luck and happiness.