[RubySapphire]

Hello

I knew my best friend for 2 years before dating them, we were in a relationship for 3 years after that. I've known her for 5.
She's an incredibly damaged person and no matter the horrible things shes said to me and the way shes treated me, I can't let go.
She always convinces me that I'm in the wrong, that I was overreacting or that I should give her a break because shes going through alot. (She is in an abusive, messy family situation.)
I always feel bad and feel like I need to be nice and forgiving to her because of this.

We're not dating anymore, we broke up in December where she blamed me for the entirety of our relationship failing. She never apologized for that and we're still 'best friends.'
We shared alot together, I drew and wrote with her and those are my two favourite hobbies. We still do.

But she's a horrible person, everytime I talk to her about my problems I end up crying and getting into a fight with her. The fight resolves itself by both of us saying we're sorry and then it happens again.

I can't seem to let go of her because shes my best friend, shes been there for me through so much but it doesn't change the pain I deal with.
I've tried many times to break it off, so many people call her abusive and I know that, I know shes not good for me.

I feel like if I break off my friendship with her, the stories we had together would be a waste, I wouldn't have a best friend anymore.

I just need help, trying to break it off, I want to but at the same time I'm stuck.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by RubySapphire

Hello

I knew my best friend for 2 years before dating them, we were in a relationship for 3 years after that. I've known her for 5.
She's an incredibly damaged person and no matter the horrible things shes said to me and the way shes treated me, I can't let go.
She always convinces me that I'm in the wrong, that I was overreacting or that I should give her a break because shes going through alot. (She is in an abusive, messy family situation.)
I always feel bad and feel like I need to be nice and forgiving to her because of this.

How does she convince you you are wrong? Is it just because she is in a bad situation? or does she give other reasons?

But she's a horrible person, everytime I talk to her about my problems I end up crying and getting into a fight with her. The fight resolves itself by both of us saying we're sorry and then it happens again.

Do you have kids or nephews/nieces/young cousins? How would you advice them if they were in a situation like this with their friends?

I can't seem to let go of her because shes my best friend, shes been there for me through so much but it doesn't change the pain I deal with.

How has she been through a lot with you? Do you mean just because you have stayed in touch? How has she supported you through hard times?

I've tried many times to break it off, so many people call her abusive and I know that, I know shes not good for me.

I feel like if I break off my friendship with her, the stories we had together would be a waste, I wouldn't have a best friend anymore.

Memories are not a waste. And if she was a best friend she wouldnt treat you this way. Even the good memories are not that good if they are overshadowed by her negative friendship.

I just need help, trying to break it off, I want to but at the same time I'm stuck.

We teach other people how to treat us, and if we allow poor treatment with no consequences that treatment will continue. Has she ever truly apologized for being this way? Has she ever admitted to being wrong? You are going to have to decided how much you are willing to take from her, and she will not change her behavior if you do not change yours towards her.

[RubySapphire]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

How does she convince you you are wrong? Is it just because she is in a bad situation? or does she give other reasons?

Do you have kids or nephews/nieces/young cousins? How would you advice them if they were in a situation like this with their friends?
How has she been through a lot with you? Do you mean just because you have stayed in touch? How has she supported you through hard times?

Memories are not a waste. And if she was a best friend she wouldnt treat you this way. Even the good memories are not that good if they are overshadowed by her negative friendship.

We teach other people how to treat us, and if we allow poor treatment with no consequences that treatment will continue. Has she ever truly apologized for being this way? Has she ever admitted to being wrong? You are going to have to decided how much you are willing to take from her, and she will not change her behavior if you do not change yours towards her.

She convinces me I'm wrong by saying I'm overreacting to things shes said, or she says she didn't mean to. Or she sends me a whole paragraph of why shes treating me that way. like "This is happening in my life which is why I'm like this"

I would tell them if its this poisonous to get out of it, its not worth it.

She has supported me in the past, about 2 years ago, and very occassionally she does. She helped me stop talking to a man that was harassing me this year but 90% of the time she treats my issues as something not as bad as hers.

Shes apologized many times for things when I point them out to her, but it always happens again. And she apologizes for the nasty, insensitive things she says too, but it happens again. She strings me back along with these apologies and says stuff like:
"Im sorry Im such a terrible person"
"I'm sorry I've been so horrible"
"Sorry I'm not good enough for you"
"Sorry for making you feel that way"
"I hope you have a nice life, goodbye."

She also has a tendency to just walk out of arguments, telling "Goodbye" and not dealing with it for hours on end or days, which leaves me worried and upset about the argument for that same amount of time.

[Fuzzybear]

I would definitely encourage you to break things off with this person. Her repeatedly saying things like “I hope you have a nice life, goodbye” is triggering and hurtful to you, it would hurt and trigger me too. Can you tell her you are no longer able to be her friend, but you’ve enjoyed the things you’ve shared together. Or something like that. It sounds like this friendship has become harmful to you. There are people who don’t engage in these behaviours and who you will find will be healthier friends for you. Keep posting and let us know how you get on. Thanks for sharing

[RubySapphire]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I would definitely encourage you to break things off with this person. Her repeatedly saying things like “I hope you have a nice life, goodbye” is triggering and hurtful to you, it would hurt and trigger me too. Can you tell her you are no longer able to be her friend, but you’ve enjoyed the things you’ve shared together. Or something like that. It sounds like this friendship has become harmful to you. There are people who don’t engage in these behaviours and who you will find will be healthier friends for you. Keep posting and let us know how you get on. Thanks for sharing

It’s funny because after you said this she did the exact same thing again, she always says she’ll block me but I kno I will find a nasty message tomorrow/next morning from her. I’m scared for that honestly.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by RubySapphire

It’s funny because after you said this she did the exact same thing again, she always says she’ll block me but I kno I will find a nasty message tomorrow/next morning from her. I’m scared for that honestly.

Can you block her? It really sounds to me that it’s time to block her... permanently.

[kstella95]

Originally Posted by RubySapphire

It’s funny because after you said this she did the exact same thing again, she always says she’ll block me but I kno I will find a nasty message tomorrow/next morning from her. I’m scared for that honestly.

The best and easiest thing to do, is to block her number, delete your text thread, and start removing pictures of her from your life. I know how hard that sounds, and I know it’s not easy. It took me 5 years to delete and block my abuser and it was hard because I wanted to still know what was going on and how they were doing, but in the end I had to tell myself that it wasn’t good for me or healthy. If she’s already blocked you on Social Media, just go ahead and block her number now. That way, when she’s out of her funk and she tries to talk to you again, she won’t be able to. I hope you’re able to start healing soon and that you do what’s best for you and your piece of mind.

Originally Posted by RubySapphire

Hello

I can't seem to let go of her because shes my best friend, shes been there for me through so much but it doesn't change the pain I deal with.
I've tried many times to break it off, so many people call her abusive and I know that, I know shes not good for me.

I feel like if I break off my friendship with her, the stories we had together would be a waste, I wouldn't have a best friend anymore.

I just need help, trying to break it off, I want to but at the same time I'm stuck.

You deserve a better best friend. It sounds like she's placing you in a cycle of abuse. The good times are called the "honeymoon phase" but the abuse will come again. It is an endless circle until you get out.

Originally Posted by RubySapphire

It’s funny because after you said this she did the exact same thing again, she always says she’ll block me but I kno I will find a nasty message tomorrow/next morning from her. I’m scared for that honestly.

This is alarming. You may have to disable your social network for a while.

[downandlonely]

I agree with the others. It's time to block this person. You don't need her in your life. I know it's easier said than done though. Do you feel like she is your only friend? If so, that might be why you are clinging to her.

Originally Posted by kstella95

The best and easiest thing to do, is to block her number, delete your text thread, and start removing pictures of her from your life. I know how hard that sounds, and I know it’s not easy. It took me 5 years to delete and block my abuser and it was hard because I wanted to still know what was going on and how they were doing, but in the end I had to tell myself that it wasn’t good for me or healthy. If she’s already blocked you on Social Media, just go ahead and block her number now. That way, when she’s out of her funk and she tries to talk to you again, she won’t be able to. I hope you’re able to start healing soon and that you do what’s best for you and your piece of mind.

I'm not on social networks (except PC ) and I never google my narc abuser. I have no interest in her and the only information I need is how to avoid her. For example, given she's a family and we have mutual friends, if I receive an invite to a party and see her as "coming" I either decide not to go or prepare an escape plan in an event she tries to isolate me (which she attempted so many times).

At first, you miss your abuser, but the more you learn to love yourself, the less you miss the person that abused you. It's a process. I know it's hard but you can do it!

[RubySapphire]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I agree with the others. It's time to block this person. You don't need her in your life. I know it's easier said than done though. Do you feel like she is your only friend? If so, that might be why you are clinging to her.

I do feel sometimes that she's my only friend. She's the only one whos been there ANYTIME of the day I've needed someone.

It's the next day now, I haven't looked at my messages yet because I'm too scared to look. I'm thinking of asking my psych to block her for me from things tomorrow - because I can't handle looking at anymore messages myself.

Originally Posted by RubySapphire

It's the next day now, I haven't looked at my messages yet because I'm too scared to look. I'm thinking of asking my psych to block her for me from things tomorrow - because I can't handle looking at anymore messages myself.

That's a very smart move to detach yourself from her emotionally.

Abusers want attention. They will try to sweet-talk and hoover you = positive attention.

If that doesn't work, they will try to get negative attention by doing something that makes you confront them. They can't stand to be ignored. But don't give in. Stay strong. Better friends are worth the wait!

Originally Posted by RubySapphire

I do feel sometimes that she's my only friend. She's the only one whos been there ANYTIME of the day I've needed someone.

It's the next day now, I haven't looked at my messages yet because I'm too scared to look. I'm thinking of asking my psych to block her for me from things tomorrow - because I can't handle looking at anymore messages myself.

i'm sorry to read about your situation. i definitely think you're entangled with a very toxic person, this girl. She is completely manipulating you emotionally and she's doing it because she wants your constant attention -- negative and positive. Time to cut her off.

You are worth more than this girl and you deserve better, healthier friendships and romantic relationships than what you went through with her. Chalk it up to a learning experience.

It will take a lot of energy on your part to cut her out of your life online and offline, but it seems like that is the best way for you to be able to move forward with your life.

She is not a best friend to you, based on what I've read on how she treats you. Remember, you deserve better and she's just not capable of delivering that to you, no matter what false promises she's made. I wish you luck!

[RubySapphire]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

i'm sorry to read about your situation. i definitely think you're entangled with a very toxic person, this girl. She is completely manipulating you emotionally and she's doing it because she wants your constant attention -- negative and positive. Time to cut her off.

You are worth more than this girl and you deserve better, healthier friendships and romantic relationships than what you went through with her. Chalk it up to a learning experience.

It will take a lot of energy on your part to cut her out of your life online and offline, but it seems like that is the best way for you to be able to move forward with your life.

She is not a best friend to you, based on what I've read on how she treats you. Remember, you deserve better and she's just not capable of delivering that to you, no matter what false promises she's made. I wish you luck!

You're all so right, thank you.. I went to my psych today to help break away. I learnt she didn't unblock me, she left me blocked because of the unfriending her from facebook thing.
I blocked her on everything now, to make sure she'll never contact me again.
Thank you all for giving me the courage, I feel like I can finally breathe after 3 years.

Only problem is that I know she's going to talk bad about me to our mutual friends and paint me as a terrible person - whereas I don't wish to do that, so I'm worried I'm going to lose them.

Originally Posted by RubySapphire

You're all so right, thank you.. I went to my psych today to help break away. I learnt she didn't unblock me, she left me blocked because of the unfriending her from facebook thing.
I blocked her on everything now, to make sure she'll never contact me again.
Thank you all for giving me the courage, I feel like I can finally breathe after 3 years.

Only problem is that I know she's going to talk bad about me to our mutual friends and paint me as a terrible person - whereas I don't wish to do that, so I'm worried I'm going to lose them.

It's great that you blocked her from your social media. Don't give in to any cravings for communication with her.

Also, the only person you have control over, is yourself. If your mutual friends choose sides -- as people do and will in these situations -- let them. This will show you who is on your side, and who isn't. Don't fret the loss of any mutual friends b/c if they abandon you because you stood up to her, they were never your real friend to begin with. You don't want to hang on to people in your life, who only are interested in a one-sided friendship with you (they give you nothing in response to what you give to them).

There are a gazillion people waiting out there who are worthy of your friendship. This is a transitional time for you now. Transitions are always bumpy because of the changes that occur. But, if you can ride out the bumps, you may be pleasantly surprised when you get to the other side of this toxic friendship experience, to find out that you really can survive without this toxic friend and her cronies, and make new friends who respect you (b/c she did not).

Originally Posted by RubySapphire

Only problem is that I know she's going to talk bad about me to our mutual friends and paint me as a terrible person - whereas I don't wish to do that, so I'm worried I'm going to lose them.

If she is going to do that after you break off from her, meaning, if that is within her character to backstab, it is possible that she has already done so while you were with her.

I once had a hard time breaking off from someone in fear of retaliation. But even when we were close, she retaliated anyway whenever she didn't get her way. Then I thought:

Whether I remain close to her or not, I can't avoid retaliation from her.
Then it's better that I at least do not have her in my daily life.

But it is still wise to minimize retaliation as much as possible by not engaging with her.