My mother showing sexual interest in me when I was a teen.

I know its not normal but I wonder whether this could had contributed to my near asexuality. Im an adult man now.

From the age of +-13 my mother began to talk to me about my body and what I should expect soon. Not my father but my mother. Fair enough.

Then she began to ask me (on a regular basis) about the size of my penis "and what I do with it" when parents are not around. I wasnt doing anything with myself back then but for some reason my head kept interpreting it as 'shameful' and I began to think that I shouldnt disappoint my mother and not discover what my penis could do (although I did discover it a year later lol).

At the age of 14-15 I caught my mother looking through the hole of the bathroom when I was washing myself. When I confronted her with this her answer was "I looked at you because Im curious what men do when they are having a bath".

At the age of 16 I went to a beach with my parents and I caught her excited eyes looking at my thing which was quite visible through the swimming pants. She told me "you have quite a penis and I have seen its shape".

And finally at +-18yo she suddenly told me "Id really like to see your penis".

I did confront her with this a few years ago. She told me it was all a "joke"

My parents live far from me and Im not eager to see them. Partially for this...

So what do you think?

if you google asexuality you will find it is something where a person identifies with being neither boy or girl, man or woman, along with this comes having no attraction / love interest/ romantic interest with either men nor women.

given that your post identified your self as being a man rather than calling yourself... Im an adult with no gender identification..... I think you can rest easy that you are may not under the legal definition be asexual gender.

that said many do have a problem where they have no interest in sex/ romance/ love/ dating and so on due to being sexually abused emotionally or physically. my location calls this having PTSD. mind you Im not making a diagnosis of your problem just telling you what my location calls what you went through with your mother and the problems you are having is called here where I am.

to find out what this is in your own location you will need to contact your own or a medical or mental health treatment provider. they will tell you what this is in you and how to best treat the problem.

She has a problem.

That sounds like a very inappropriate behavior, Inaccurate. It must have been really uncomfortable for you. I don't know if this may have caused your asexuality, but it's worth looking into it. How is your relationship with your mother right now? I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Sending many hugs to you

This behavior in your mother was twisted and intrusive. It has left you with a deep insecurity that you have been guarding for a while now. This is what I was picking up in my other posts to you in your other thread.

The damage that she did can not be undone. My mother saw me as an extension of herself and not as a new person. There are many things that she did which kept ruining me.

Basic examples: when I was 14 and 15 I had a summer job in a factory. The salary was paid in cash which she would promptly confiscate from me without any explanation of any kind.

She would always open my mail (physical letters I mean) while knowing very well that I would rage. There were no secrets in there except my feeling of privacy that was being violated in the most despicable possible ways.

Being her extension meant that my role in the house was being her mirror. Sometimes even literally.

That's what you have been doing with others though when you talk about how you "manipulate them" but you can never show them your true self.

This is exactly what I was saying to you in your other thread. It's why I say it is "sad".

The damage done "can" be healed but it's going to be a challenge and you will need the right kind of therapist to help you with this. You cannot undue what your mother did, no, that you can't change, but you work on learning how to heal from it.

I think this has something to do with finding the kind of woman you "may" be able to trust, she has to have more "depth" to her otherwise you won't be able to feel safe to experience something you have been so deeply disturbed and confused about. You have very, very sensitive boundary issues.

Therapist huh? I tried visiting 3 therapists.

The first one got very scared of me and wouldnt see me again.

The second one was an interesting challenge yet he proved to be inferior and relatively easy to manipulate.

The third one was NPD himself. A very arrogant one.

The so called therapy is manipulation for commoners. Same as commercials on tv. So no.

Honestly? I believe you did not have good experience with therapists. Experienced that myself and I am sure others can relate.

Have you ever tried a "trauma specialist"?

I can and would not accept any therapy. Not because its a sign of weakness but simply because its manipulation. And frankly Im me and the way Im will forever dominate my life.

Ps. Im also a great example of how contagious mental disorders are. I can traumatize anyone and give him or her some of my psychological DNA. For example every real life girl who was ever into me got used, abused and beyond. And obviously they all whined and cried. In fact Im a pro at this **** lol

Thing is, you can't feel that the therapist you are sitting across from is putting you under a microscope, that's too triggering for you, too much like what your mother did with you.

Understand?

Even though you have distanced from your mother, you are still her prisoner, still perfecting ways to self protect, but you don't let anyone in either. Do you see that?

Actually, all you are doing is nursing that same injury, instead of healing. That's why I think its sad ((inaccurate)).

In a way you are right that being examined can trigger me in different ways and I cant say that I like it.

But the therapist is also under my microscope as well and I see them for what they are: manipulative money grabbing d0ngs which pretend to care while looking at my wallet. Dont blame them for this behaviour on any level.

Another thing and this is true: (its not a product of my imagination) I have a VERY sharp quick mind. I have read SO much and watched SO many movies including documentaries, Im such a database of knowledge and all kinds of correlations and references that nearly nobody can keep up. Which always results in my mind seeing others as inferior. "I know very well what they represent... the idiocy of today" :Р

You have a hyper vigilant mind. You have gathered a great deal of information and have concluded that no one can be trusted. What you mother did to you caused you to think in distorted ways like this, and see the world like this.

Yes, it's a way to make a living, but not all therapists are only in it for the money. Yes, some therapists/psychologists can be on the arrogant side, met some like that myself, were a waste of my time. However, I finally met one who genuinely listened and helped me to feel safe to share things with him. Because of that he helped me see things about myself that I had not realized I had been doing. I had survived a lot, proved to be quite resiliant, but I did not process a lot of crap I experienced that traumatized me. I had not even realized that.

Well sometimes I do try to take the world for what it can be, I mean hypothetically but theres always disappointment.

Basic example: take the concept of friendship. When I try to explore this area of life people start clinging to me as if Im covered by honey. They start sharing their problems and fears with me while expecting my help. Anyone who asks for my help while he or she can solve it him/herself is something that makes me want to run away.

Most humans create all kinds of problems for themselves. It happens all the time, all over the place. Its how the human nature is. I mean in general and you seem to know this yourself (making an assumption).Yet most humans expect others to solve their self created **** for them.

Making and maintaining friends can be mentally exhausting. As they ALL develop expectations.

Friendship is a very tricky adventure which can easily create enemies if one isnt careful. Simply because when help is denied, many will think you are a "bad friend" and sometimes it can even grow from there. In a bad way I mean.

Being an ultimate self sufficient lonely wolf means that I expect others to be the same. Yet such people are extremely rare.

Ps. Im ready to help but there are two conditions: it must be either my own initiative OR I have to be the only one who can provide help.

I may also have a degree of autism in me although nobody would suspect this. I can be quite repetitive in my thoughts and actions when under severe stress. Its hard to explain really.

Well, one way to see this is that when you try to be friends and explore that with others they begin to cling to you more and that's a trigger for you because that is exactly what your mother did. She did not RESPECT your feelings, and you have been left to sort that out for yourself, and it triggers you when others need to find someone who can sit and listen and feel with them, you can get angry because NO ONE ever did that for you.

What you have done is figure out how to see what others feel is important and you take advantage of that. You tend to feel that it's their own fault if they are being used too. This is the kind of lense your mother created for you to see through though.

Well, your problem may not be autism, it could be your hyper vigilance obsessing about self protecting. (although individuals on the autism spectrum are not immune to suffering trauma related challenges)

For example, I experienced a huge challenge here on my small horse farm. My horses and ponies were terrorized by my neighbor's dog. It ended up in them sustaining all kinds of injures. However, they also got VERY sensitive to any kind of noise or movement coming from my neighbors house, and they had never been this way before, never been spooky or overly worried. This had nothing to do with anything other than how being traumatized affected them and changed them making them worry obsessively. It's how our brains, even animal brains can react to being traumatized or made to feel unsafe or threatened. It changes the level of comfort in both animals and humans.

Actually, I can also react that way because I struggle with ptsd and can get triggered and when under severe stress can experience repetitive thoughts too. I have come to understand that when I am experiencing this I am in a hyper vigilant state.

Its more complex than blaming it on my mother.

Im quite capable of being a friend. Id even say that I can be one of the best friends one can hope for if a few basic critiria are met. Most simply dont qualify and cant qualify by their nature. And I dont necessarily mean their stupidity but also their EQ.

I know it may sound laughable, I mean given the nature of this conversation, but my EQ is off the charts. In a good way I mean. (Although its arguably not necessarily a blessing). Its just that the door to open this can not be found by most and even if it happens then finding the right key or even the right combination for this vault is beyond the abilities of 99.99% of the population. And thats how I like it. "Only the penitent man will pass".

Its not about kneeling before god, lol. I mean in my case.

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