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NightRain2019
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Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 327
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#21
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Anonymous43949
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MrMoose
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#22
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And in the midst of that there was this one huge red flag: a separation of me from old friends (“oh what do you want to hang out with them for? They’re your past—we have our OWN family now—let’s just be us!”). Any social activities had to include her or it was no go. Separation from work friends (“You can’t hang out after work—you need to come home and take care of the kids!”) separation from any roundabout connection (“You met them through X? What do they have to do with your life NOW?”) separation from family (“Your relatives don’t ever call you—they don’t care about you—they could have visited last summer but they chose not to—they don’t care about you!”) and separation from my child (her stepchild), which started in 2015 and ended when I moved out in 2017. In the end the only person who thought my child was an amoral manipulative abomination was my wife, and everyone else (friends, school, psychiatrists) thought she was a sweet creative child in need of some maternal warmth. So it’s normal for your new SO to dislike some of your old friends, and I’m aware that some of them can be pretty flawed. But separating you from EVERYONE is a huge problem: beware of people cutting you off from communicating with friends or family, whatever the reason. Keep working, keep earning income, keep your work colleagues, don’t move to the middle of nowhere (she did suggest it!). And keep your internet so you can log on here when you get kicked put of the bedroom—it’s a lifesaver! |
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NightRain2019
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Member Since: Feb 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 327
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#23
Dunno if this has been mentioned but :
Calling you “crazy” Belittling you for symptoms of your psych issues (not to be confused with lack of knowledge & a genuine desire to understand) Putting you down for being on disability Saying they are right in an argument just because you are “mentally ill” And I get that many people don’t understand the concept of variable functioning levels but when one day they say “ you’re just lazy, there’s nothing wrong with you” & the next day they say “ you’re mentally ill, your perceptions are invalid” there is a problem. Actually I guess there’s a problem w either of those in that form. |
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Albatross2008, may24, mountainstream
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#24
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#25
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MrMoose
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Albatross2008
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#26
They're always bragging about how strong, tough, macho, or Alpha they are: That's at least a yellow flag to me.
They're always bragging about how strong, tough, macho, or Alpha they are, but in a situation where they actually have to be assertive and stand up for themselves, they fall apart like a house of cards: that's a red flag. Because they're going to take it out on you later. They're too chicken to stand up to other people, but they know you'll let them get away with it, so they'll unleash it on you to the full extent. |
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may24
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may24
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Location: Europe
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#27
wow so many of the comments in this thread remind me of my ex... I used to see some of the warning signs back when we started dating, but I'd always end up normalizing them. I hope I never make the same mistakes again.
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Albatross2008
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#29
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The first argument I ever had with my ex-husband... we had it while we were still dating. My family plus a few friends had all gone out to breakfast on the way to the airport to see my uncle off. My then boyfriend, later husband, now ex, got *furious* with me because I wouldn't order for myself what he thought I should order, never mind that I was the one paying for it. How controlling is that? Beware when they try to make decisions for you. Big giant red flag. My family barely noticed, only enough to find it entertaining, as in heehee, isn't that cute, the lovers are having their first spat. Nobody came to my defense. I should have ended it right there, but if I had, I would have been told how unreasonable I was being, and I shouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water just because of one little fight, and maybe he's having a bad day, and all kinds of excuses for him. |
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may24
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Buffy01
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#30
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Buffy01
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#31
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Buffy01
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#32
Lisa A Romano has great YouTube video on emotional abuse and narcissist
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Albatross2008
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Buffy01
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#33
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mountainstream
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#34
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#35
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Albatross2008
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Grand Poohbah
Albatross2008
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Location: USA
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#36
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The next step is to train us to think this is a good setup, and we don't need rescuing. The less we see of other people, the less we have to compare our situation to. We get to thinking the behavior we're being subjected to really is normal. If we believe every man/woman is like that, and it's just what they do, then why would we even try to leave? We might as well stay, if every relationship we could ever have is going to be the same. But it isn't normal behavior. Every man/woman is NOT like that. And this is what the abuser doesn't want us to know. |
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