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Old 03-03-2019, 09:31 AM #21
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

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Originally Posted by nicoleflynn View Post
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of abuse;I wish everyone would read it. Did you know that with verbal abuse alone, that the brain can physically change?Every time we are under stress, the body releases cortisol; cortisol damages the immune system. I presented my paper, Society's Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse;Precursor to Physical Violence and a form of Biochemical Assault. If anyone is interested in the paper, I would be glad to send it.
I found the Patricia Evans book to be very useful. Haven’t seen it in years. Probably time for a review. Can’t afford it right now but will keep my eye out for a used copy. Thanks. My phone is pretty full & needs to be wiped but at some point I would love to see a copy of your paper.
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Old 03-03-2019, 11:25 PM #22
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

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Is there anything specific you learned about the warning signs of abuse that may be helpful for informing others?
Given that abuse is a progressive disease, the signs can be well masked by a lot of noise—in the beginning of a relationship, a very pleasant noise! My wife said some venomous, despicable things to me in years 7 and 8; if she had said them to me in year 1, I would have jumped like the frog in boiling water. But early on, the romance! The passion! The constant whirl of attention!

And in the midst of that there was this one huge red flag: a separation of me from old friends (“oh what do you want to hang out with them for? They’re your past—we have our OWN family now—let’s just be us!”). Any social activities had to include her or it was no go. Separation from work friends (“You can’t hang out after work—you need to come home and take care of the kids!”) separation from any roundabout connection (“You met them through X? What do they have to do with your life NOW?”) separation from family (“Your relatives don’t ever call you—they don’t care about you—they could have visited last summer but they chose not to—they don’t care about you!”) and separation from my child (her stepchild), which started in 2015 and ended when I moved out in 2017. In the end the only person who thought my child was an amoral manipulative abomination was my wife, and everyone else (friends, school, psychiatrists) thought she was a sweet creative child in need of some maternal warmth.

So it’s normal for your new SO to dislike some of your old friends, and I’m aware that some of them can be pretty flawed. But separating you from EVERYONE is a huge problem: beware of people cutting you off from communicating with friends or family, whatever the reason. Keep working, keep earning income, keep your work colleagues, don’t move to the middle of nowhere (she did suggest it!).

And keep your internet so you can log on here when you get kicked put of the bedroom—it’s a lifesaver!
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Old 03-04-2019, 06:54 AM #23
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

Dunno if this has been mentioned but :

Calling you “crazy”
Belittling you for symptoms of your psych issues (not to be confused with lack of knowledge & a genuine desire to understand)
Putting you down for being on disability
Saying they are right in an argument just because you are “mentally ill”

And I get that many people don’t understand the concept of variable functioning levels but when one day they say “ you’re just lazy, there’s nothing wrong with you” & the next day they say “ you’re mentally ill, your perceptions are invalid” there is a problem. Actually I guess there’s a problem w either of those in that form.
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Old 03-04-2019, 12:28 PM #24
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

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Originally Posted by NightRain2019 View Post
And I get that many people don’t understand the concept of variable functioning levels but when one day they say “ you’re just lazy, there’s nothing wrong with you” & the next day they say “ you’re mentally ill, your perceptions are invalid” there is a problem. Actually I guess there’s a problem w either of those in that form.
Yes. I've witnessed the inconsistencies. Their words often do not match their actions.
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Old 03-04-2019, 12:35 PM #25
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

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Originally Posted by MrMoose View Post
beware of people cutting you off from communicating with friends or family, whatever the reason. Keep working, keep earning income, keep your work colleagues, don’t move to the middle of nowhere (she did suggest it!).

And keep your internet so you can log on here when you get kicked put of the bedroom—it’s a lifesaver!
Thank you for your input, MrMoose. It is so important not to lose your independence and decline the abuser's offer to take care of your financial and material needs (which comes with a string attached--a string that ties you to her and makes it harder to leave the relationship).
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Old 03-04-2019, 02:53 PM #26
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

They're always bragging about how strong, tough, macho, or Alpha they are: That's at least a yellow flag to me.

They're always bragging about how strong, tough, macho, or Alpha they are, but in a situation where they actually have to be assertive and stand up for themselves, they fall apart like a house of cards: that's a red flag.

Because they're going to take it out on you later. They're too chicken to stand up to other people, but they know you'll let them get away with it, so they'll unleash it on you to the full extent.
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Please be warned that parts of it can be triggering if you are sensitive to descriptions of abuse. I'm not using anybody's real names, including my own.
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Old 03-04-2019, 04:11 PM #27
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

wow so many of the comments in this thread remind me of my ex... I used to see some of the warning signs back when we started dating, but I'd always end up normalizing them. I hope I never make the same mistakes again.
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Old 03-04-2019, 07:56 PM #28
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

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I hope I never make the same mistakes again.
That's right. I'm reviewing the signs so that I will notice them next time BEFORE I get involved.
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Old 03-05-2019, 12:10 AM #29
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

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wow so many of the comments in this thread remind me of my ex... I used to see some of the warning signs back when we started dating, but I'd always end up normalizing them. I hope I never make the same mistakes again.
Most if not all of my contributions have been speaking from personal experience. I normalized all of those behaviors too. Also, since I grew up in an abusive family, if I did see a red flag, my *family* would normalize it and tell me I'm being too sensitive or unreasonable.

The first argument I ever had with my ex-husband... we had it while we were still dating. My family plus a few friends had all gone out to breakfast on the way to the airport to see my uncle off. My then boyfriend, later husband, now ex, got *furious* with me because I wouldn't order for myself what he thought I should order, never mind that I was the one paying for it. How controlling is that? Beware when they try to make decisions for you. Big giant red flag.

My family barely noticed, only enough to find it entertaining, as in heehee, isn't that cute, the lovers are having their first spat. Nobody came to my defense. I should have ended it right there, but if I had, I would have been told how unreasonable I was being, and I shouldn't throw the baby out with the bath water just because of one little fight, and maybe he's having a bad day, and all kinds of excuses for him.
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Please be warned that parts of it can be triggering if you are sensitive to descriptions of abuse. I'm not using anybody's real names, including my own.
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Old 03-26-2019, 03:22 PM #30
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Default Re: Warning signs of abuse, peer version

Quote:
Originally Posted by nicoleflynn View Post
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of abuse;I wish everyone would read it. Did you know that with verbal abuse alone, that the brain can physically change?Every time we are under stress, the body releases cortisol; cortisol damages the immune system. I presented my paper, Society's Hidden Pandemic, Verbal Abuse;Precursor to Physical Violence and a form of Biochemical Assault. If anyone is interested in the paper, I would be glad to send it.
I did not know that!
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