[Yorkie]

I dealt with what I now realize was emotional and sometimes (but not as often) physical abuse from my mom. It was especially bad when I was a teenager (am 22 now). Since I was 17 or so I dated people that resorted to hitting and scratching and shoving when they were upset. I have two exes that have gotten physical and another one that I think was emotionally abusive, although im not sure...

And just...why? Why do I keep running into people like this? What is it about me?

[nicoleflynn]

Originally Posted by Yorkie

I dealt with what I now realize was emotional and sometimes (but not as often) physical abuse from my mom. It was especially bad when I was a teenager (am 22 now). Since I was 17 or so I dated people that resorted to hitting and scratching and shoving when they were upset. I have two exes that have gotten physical and another one that I think was emotionally abusive, although im not sure...

And just...why? Why do I keep running into people like this? What is it about me?

We don't attract abusers, it is just that there are so many out there. 1 in 3 women will be abused in their lifetime. It has nothing to do with who you are.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

We don't attract abusers, it is just that there are so many out there. 1 in 3 women will be abused in their lifetime. It has nothing to do with who you are.

My heart goes out to you Yorkie! You are asking the right questions and please commend yourself for that!! You recognize a pattern in your interpersonal relationships and that is absolutely normal in the trauma framework. Until you heal and do inner work, you may unfortunately continue to attract abusers into your life. This is something I have had to realize and in doing so I had to set major boundaries with abusive friends, some of which I have had to go no contact with. Part of this is realizing that you deserve to be treated well - which you are certainly becoming aware of. That is the first step. Sometimes when we are abused so much, it becomes normalized and we think it is okay. Sometimes we may even believe we deserve to be treated that way - having internalized the abuse that we have been subjected to throughout our lives. (Do not believe these lies) Add to this that when we don't have supports outside of an abusive relationship, we are more likely to stay in it for fears of becoming alone. THIS is also a tactic utilized by abusers) Until we experience a healthy relationship (which can be extremely unsettling if we have never experienced it) we may never think it is possible to obtain it. I have news for you: it IS possible to have safe and healthy relations and we DO deserve it!

For a lot of us survivors, a therapeutic relationship is the first time we ever experience healthy attachment and in turn, the insight we gain acts as a gauge for what is healthy and what is not. This allows us to explore relationships with a different approach on what we need, want and desire. We can learn assertiveness, set boundaries without feeling guilty and do what is best for us. It can be terrifying to realize that we are surrounded by so much abuse - and equally terrifying that we have on some level attracted it and or allowed it. It is important to be gentle to ourselves during this process of change and allow ourselves the time to grieve our losses and mourn. Anger is a healthy and normal reaction to abuse when we become aware of the extent of it. A therapist or a trusted friend can help us navigate this.


Rest in knowing that you are on the right path to growth and change!! It is a hard road ahead but you can do it. If you feel selfish for wanting love in your life - that is a product of toxic shame and the abuse that you have endured.

I want to know if you have a therapist? I think it would be extremely helpful for you in making these transitions. It is not something that we should do alone. It takes an awful lot of effort and in order to move forward we will inevitably make mistakes and take steps back. A therapist can provide a safe foundation for us while in a pursuit of change.

Adding to Nicoleflynn's comments:

1 in 6 men are abused and some 90% fail to report it... This world is quite sad. Abuse is indiscriminate; it happens in all circles and in all parts of the world. It is a part of the human condition and a lot of it can be blamed on power imbalance and lack of accountability; two prerequisites for abuse.

In abuse situations, sometimes we do attract abusers. Though, it is not a fault of our own, rather an unfortunate reality. Abusers are attracted to vulnerability. We are most vulnerable when we are children and that is why it happens so often at that age. However, if we are abused once, we are statistically more likely (according to complex trauma literature) to be abused again. While there are many theories as to why, it is known that part of complex ptsd diagnostic criteria is the tendency to be involved in cyclical and repeated and often times - inescapable relationships with exploitative abusers.

Look up repetition compulsion.

Also look up self fulfilling prophecy.

Also look up trauma bonding.

These three phenonemons do indeed play a role in trauma survivors lives. I know I continue to fall victim even though I am aware of these things. Absolutely abusers choose to abuse regardless of how I behave and that is not our fault. However, what determines if we become a target largely depends on how we come across to others. If we are kind, caring, empathic, vulnerable, alone, naive and or passive (which most of us survivors are) we can indeed attract abusers. We teach people how to treat us. This is why boundaries are so important as it building inner strength. Narcissists are known to choose targets based on a likelihood of getting their needs met - if one is an easy target - they attack. If one is not an easy target - they are less likely to engage. This is an essential part of healing for us survivors. Unfortunately, sometimes we become so desperate for human connection that we go into relationships blinded by unmet needs and a burning desire for safe attachment - that we cling to whoever appears to fit that profile. Narcissists and abusers know this - this is their game.

I am not saying we are weak or naive, I am saying this is how the world is. It disturbs me to think how many abusers there are in this darkened world, but learning to discern good people from bad is an absolutely essential survival instinct that some of us never learn. In order to do so requires us to change what is in our control. I am not saying this will prevent all abuse, but it certainly can help us identify abusers and avoid potential harm.

Red flags are indicators that we must listen to, as is our body. If we feel under attack, we must listen to it. Sometimes our hypervigilance is wrong, but in my experience it is almost always right in relation to humans.

You are not at fault or deserving for the abuse you have experienced. My heart goes out to you and everyone else who understands these horrible things. You deserve better.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

Originally Posted by Yorkie

I dealt with what I now realize was emotional and sometimes (but not as often) physical abuse from my mom. It was especially bad when I was a teenager (am 22 now). Since I was 17 or so I dated people that resorted to hitting and scratching and shoving when they were upset. I have two exes that have gotten physical and another one that I think was emotionally abusive, although im not sure...

And just...why? Why do I keep running into people like this? What is it about me?

The reason you attract abusers is because you were abused by your mom, so you developed codependent traits to cope with that emotional and sometimes physical abuse.

I recommend reading Melody Beattie's books on codependency. My mother was very emotionally abusive (still is) and my father was emotionally neglectful and withdrawn which is also a form of emotional abuse.

Codependency is a trait that is learned, as a self-preservation mechanism when you are raised by parents who use emotional/verbal/physical abuse. You learn to put yourself second, to survive their abuse, so that pattern, now etched into your subconscious, is how you interact with everyone you encounter which doesn't help you at all.

I'm still battling my codependency traits but have come a long way. I still attract abusive people into my life, because when you are a codependent person, that's like a beacon to abusers b/c they know you will do whatever they want you to do, b/c your survival technique is to put yourself second.

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

We don't attract abusers, it is just that there are so many out there. 1 in 3 women will be abused in their lifetime. It has nothing to do with who you are.

That is not true at all. If you are codependent, you do attract abusers. It has everything to do with who you are and the way you interact with the world. If you have poor boundaries -- a sign of codependency -- you will be a beacon to manipulative, abusive personalities b/c you never say no to people; you never put up boundaries with people, and you never hold people accountable for their actions.

People who have strong, healthy interpersonal boundaries can ward off abusive personalities when they encounter that type of person, b/c they know how to say no, how to verbally create space "I noticed you said this...that hurt my feelings" to "I don't like it when you do/say...b/c it bothers me..." Using "I" statements is a way to set boundaries.

But when you have weak to no boundaries with others, and just do what they tell you to do, you of course are the reason they are in your life.

I have dated enough abusive men to know this to be true. When I set firm boundaries, or tell the abuser my expectations (which is my right to do so), and they don't like it, that's because I've essentially told them, "I'm not going to let you take advantage of me anymore" so of course they react with gaslighting, anger, physical abuse, shaming, minimalize my feelings, etc.

The healthier you are with interpersonal boundaries and the more assertive you are communicating your expectations, the more successful you will be, warding off emotionally abusive, toxic, dysfunctional people. But it takes a LOT of inner work. A lot. You can't just read a book and be like, "Ok, I'm cured." Nope. Just like with every new skill, you need to practice it. I'm going on ten years of practicing my boundaries as a codependent, and I still make mistakes. But I've learned to recognize patterns of emotional and verbal abuse now, that I couldn't before.

So, for you to claim that we don't attract abusers into our lives -- well, that's very misleading b/c abusers are attracted to people with weak boundaries.

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

That is not true at all. If you are codependent, you do attract abusers. .

Basically I think both views are right. I think it is fact that there are more abusive people out there. Just simply because manners and social norms have been relaxed allowing abusers to not only be abusive but get away with more. In the past frankly such behavior would have been shocking and out of line manners wise and societal shame would blunt it.

But there may very well be something you are doing that is attracting it. For instance I have had low amounts of relationships and so I don't get that there but in the work environment that happens far too much. Not to mention in volunteer situations. It is my belief that I am kind and open to people in the first instance and people seem to see this as an invitation to start the abuse. No matter what. I can have the reputation of a mean witch but when I am opening and jokey people seem unable to control themselves - I continually have to smack them back.

My guess would be that you are too kind and you will have to start training yourself to react, stronger, earlier.

At one point a potential user wanted to get drunk and stay over my house and I was a bit taken aback but my reaction was a hard and stern "no". She never asked again. She told me later the way I reacted made her scared to ask again.

[sarahsweets]

I second Blanche's recomendation of Melanie Beattie's (sp) codependent no more. It is really helpful.

[Yorkie]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

That is not true at all. If you are codependent, you do attract abusers. It has everything to do with who you are and the way you interact with the world. If you have poor boundaries -- a sign of codependency -- you will be a beacon to manipulative, abusive personalities b/c you never say no to people; you never put up boundaries with people, and you never hold people accountable for their actions.

People who have strong, healthy interpersonal boundaries can ward off abusive personalities when they encounter that type of person, b/c they know how to say no, how to verbally create space "I noticed you said this...that hurt my feelings" to "I don't like it when you do/say...b/c it bothers me..." Using "I" statements is a way to set boundaries.

But when you have weak to no boundaries with others, and just do what they tell you to do, you of course are the reason they are in your life.

I have dated enough abusive men to know this to be true. When I set firm boundaries, or tell the abuser my expectations (which is my right to do so), and they don't like it, that's because I've essentially told them, "I'm not going to let you take advantage of me anymore" so of course they react with gaslighting, anger, physical abuse, shaming, minimalize my feelings, etc.

The healthier you are with interpersonal boundaries and the more assertive you are communicating your expectations, the more successful you will be, warding off emotionally abusive, toxic, dysfunctional people. But it takes a LOT of inner work. A lot. You can't just read a book and be like, "Ok, I'm cured." Nope. Just like with every new skill, you need to practice it. I'm going on ten years of practicing my boundaries as a codependent, and I still make mistakes. But I've learned to recognize patterns of emotional and verbal abuse now, that I couldn't before.

So, for you to claim that we don't attract abusers into our lives -- well, that's very misleading b/c abusers are attracted to people with weak boundaries.

What would a codependent person look like to you? I am not good at setting boundaries because when i've tried in the past, people have reacted badly. Namely my mother and one ex in particular. I am exhausted and most of the time i dont care enough to tell someone 'stop' because in my experience they dont stop anyways. Sorry, i know that sounds negative...

[Yorkie]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Basically I think both views are right. I think it is fact that there are more abusive people out there. Just simply because manners and social norms have been relaxed allowing abusers to not only be abusive but get away with more. In the past frankly such behavior would have been shocking and out of line manners wise and societal shame would blunt it.

But there may very well be something you are doing that is attracting it. For instance I have had low amounts of relationships and so I don't get that there but in the work environment that happens far too much. Not to mention in volunteer situations. It is my belief that I am kind and open to people in the first instance and people seem to see this as an invitation to start the abuse. No matter what. I can have the reputation of a mean witch but when I am opening and jokey people seem unable to control themselves - I continually have to smack them back.

My guess would be that you are too kind and you will have to start training yourself to react, stronger, earlier.

At one point a potential user wanted to get drunk and stay over my house and I was a bit taken aback but my reaction was a hard and stern "no". She never asked again. She told me later the way I reacted made her scared to ask again.

Interesting. I dont really experience this at work or with friends, its more with intimate relationships and family. Sorry that you have to deal with that...I do think i have been on the opposite side of the spectrum as well; i think i have taken advantage of people and have been toxic...It seems like there's no in between.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by Yorkie

Interesting. I dont really experience this at work or with friends, its more with intimate relationships and family. Sorry that you have to deal with that...I do think i have been on the opposite side of the spectrum as well; i think i have taken advantage of people and have been toxic...It seems like there's no in between.

Is this because you are in fact taking advantage of people?

It sounds like you have been hurt and you boundaries didn't matter to the people who they were supposed to matter to.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by Ptak

It sounds like you have been hurt and you boundaries didn't matter to the people who they were supposed to matter to.

That's how I interpreted it too.

[KD1980]

Unfortunately a lot of people were raised to believe it's ok to be abusive.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I think there are many, many people who never learned how to deal with disputes in a productive and mature way. It's sad that you met so many of these people. I think this could be a learning curve. Now that you've seen their abusive ways, you know who they are. You should set firm boundaries and get away from them if you can. The moment someone gets abusive, run away.

Originally Posted by Yorkie

What would a codependent person look like to you? I am not good at setting boundaries because when i've tried in the past, people have reacted badly. Namely my mother and one ex in particular. I am exhausted and most of the time i dont care enough to tell someone 'stop' because in my experience they dont stop anyways. Sorry, i know that sounds negative...

Do You Have a Codependent Personality? | Everyday Health

Signs of codependency include:

• Having difficulty making decisions in a relationship
• Having difficulty identifying your feelings
• Having difficulty communicating in a relationship
• Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself
• Lacking trust in yourself and having poor self-esteem
• Having fears of abandonment or an obsessive need for approval
• Having an unhealthy dependence on relationships, even at your own cost
• Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others

And from Psych Central:

Symptoms of Codependency

Symptoms of Codependency
The following is a list of symptoms of codependency and being in a codependent relationship. You don’t need to have them all to qualify as codependent.

Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.

People-pleasing.It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.

Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.

Reactivity.A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.

Caretaking.Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.

Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.

Dysfunctional communication.Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.

Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.

Dependency.Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.

Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.

Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.

Problems with intimacy.By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.

Painful emotions.Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

[mountainstream]

[sarahsweets]

I used to swear that I had "victim" stamped on my back and somehow managed to be re-traumatized and victimized again once I escaped what was happening at home. It took going through the worst alcoholism and withdrawal I have ever experienced and then getting sober to learn my own boundaries count for something. No is a complete sentence.

[Fuzzybear]

Abusers are bullies. They prey on your vulnerability. If you don't have one, they turn your good traits into a vulnerability.

For example, if you are compassionate and tend to have faith in people, that translates into "easy to manipulate" in their minds. They will tell lies, make up stories, and cry to win your sympathy and trap you into a web of emotional intimacy with them.

You have to show that although you are nice, you are smart and strong, in order to keep them away. For example, if you suspect someone is trying to manipulate you with sob stories, try setting boundaries by saying you need to go and walk away; and then become less and less available. She is likely to lose patience and move onto an easier target, as her aim is get her desires met ASAP.

If you are in a situation in which you have no choice to walk away, or if she keeps coming back to you with sob stories, try asking her lot of questions in a neutral tone. The chances are, she will be deterred because it shows you won't step in to help her with a blind-faith, and may even fear that you will eventually discover inconsistencies in her stories.

It's important to not create an expectation in the abuser's mind that you are available to her. Because once you make yourself available, she will always have the expectation of getting that back, even if you leave her. She will try to hoover you back in, retaliate, stalk, etc. It gets messy. If your gut says something is wrong, or if you see a yellow flag, trust your judgment and don't get involved.

[HD7970GHZ]

Originally Posted by ennie

Abusers are bullies. They prey on your vulnerability. If you don't have one, they turn your good traits into a vulnerability.

For example, if you are compassionate and tend to have faith in people, that translates into "easy to manipulate" in their minds. They will tell lies, make up stories, and cry to win your sympathy and trap you into a web of emotional intimacy with them.

You have to show that although you are nice, you are smart and strong, in order to keep them away. For example, if you suspect someone is trying to manipulate you with sob stories, try setting boundaries by saying you need to go and walk away; and then become less and less available. She is likely to lose patience and move onto an easier target, as her aim is get her desires met ASAP.

If you are in a situation in which you have no choice to walk away, or if she keeps coming back to you with sob stories, try asking her lot of questions in a neutral tone. The chances are, she will be deterred because it shows you won't step in to help her with a blind-faith, and may even fear that you will eventually discover inconsistencies in her stories.

It's important to not create an expectation in the abuser's mind that you are available to her. Because once you make yourself available, she will always have the expectation of getting that back, even if you leave her. She will try to hoover you back in, retaliate, stalk, etc. It gets messy. If your gut says something is wrong, or if you see a yellow flag, trust your judgment and don't get involved.

Well said Ennie. Well said.

[Abusedbysister]

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche

That is not true at all. If you are codependent, you do attract abusers. It has everything to do with who you are and the way you interact with the world. If you have poor boundaries -- a sign of codependency -- you will be a beacon to manipulative, abusive personalities b/c you never say no to people; you never put up boundaries with people, and you never hold people accountable for their actions.

People who have strong, healthy interpersonal boundaries can ward off abusive personalities when they encounter that type of person, b/c they know how to say no, how to verbally create space "I noticed you said this...that hurt my feelings" to "I don't like it when you do/say...b/c it bothers me..." Using "I" statements is a way to set boundaries.

But when you have weak to no boundaries with others, and just do what they tell you to do, you of course are the reason they are in your life.

I have dated enough abusive men to know this to be true. When I set firm boundaries, or tell the abuser my expectations (which is my right to do so), and they don't like it, that's because I've essentially told them, "I'm not going to let you take advantage of me anymore" so of course they react with gaslighting, anger, physical abuse, shaming, minimalize my feelings, etc.

The healthier you are with interpersonal boundaries and the more assertive you are communicating your expectations, the more successful you will be, warding off emotionally abusive, toxic, dysfunctional people. But it takes a LOT of inner work. A lot. You can't just read a book and be like, "Ok, I'm cured." Nope. Just like with every new skill, you need to practice it. I'm going on ten years of practicing my boundaries as a codependent, and I still make mistakes. But I've learned to recognize patterns of emotional and verbal abuse now, that I couldn't before.

So, for you to claim that we don't attract abusers into our lives -- well, that's very misleading b/c abusers are attracted to people with weak boundaries.

I agree with these comments. Many of us who have been abused have a stamp tellling abusers to come to us. While there are many abusive people out there, the abusers target people and go after their prey. I grew up getting beaten up by sister (a big taboo for a guy) and went from one abusive relationship to another. My first bf (I am gay) was beating me as much as my sister but he was a lot stronger. It took years of therapy for me to be able to set some boundaries and I am not sure if I am still very good at it. At least I now recognize the signs early enough.