[CrystalGirlx]

Hello, this would be my first post here. I have just left an emotionally abusive relationship that I have been in for the last three years. He is significantly older than myself, but not sure if this is relevant. At first the relationship started off wonderful, but the excessive put downs, rages, and paranoid accusations started. He would often start to curse me out for small things, snoop through my phone and personal belongings (I found screen shots of everything in my purse and my phone conversations on his computer). He also has called the police on me countless times in the relationship to have me forcefully removed from his house. We use to drink a lot together, and when he would belittle me I would slap him. This resulted in him calling the police on me. I believe my reactions are mixture of reactive abuse, and him not letting me be on my anti-depressant which helped me control myself a lot better. He would call me a "pill popper" and a druggie. He also use to say he didn't like me on my "pills" because it gave me "balls". People have told me that it stems from the fact I was not insecure and depressed, so I stood my ground more so and he did not like that.

I've been called every curse word imaginable, told i'm a worthless housekeeper, stupid, etc. He has now taken to blaming his financial issues on me along with him not winning bids on houses he was bidding on because I "stress him out so much". He has walked out on me, stormed off because i've been later than expected, etc.

One particular incident to get an idea of his behavior is we went out to eat about a year ago and I had asked the waitress for some ranch dressing. The service was slow and pretty awful. He ended up complaining, and then went on for close to a half hour about how it was my fault and the waitress did it on purpose because I had asked for extra dressing so close to closing and annoyed her. I said that was ridiculous and he actually took our left overs and THREW them as we were walking to the car. He quickly ran off trying to leave me behind. When we returned home he called me a "gutless *********" for not speaking up with him when the manager came.

I ended up falling pregnant, and the abuse escalated severely to the point where I feared for my mine and my future child's safety so I left. I am currently 5 months pregnant. He dances from "it's not mine" to he needs to hire an attorney because he is concerned I am going to abuse and damage the child. My head is spinning. I can barely talk to him anymore(which I suppose I shouldn't) without him blaming me for something. He had asked me to come over, and this is how that went...

Me: I might be able to after class.
Him: Okay.

*hour or so later*

Him: I am so devastated I lost the bid out on this house. I wish you could have seen it with me.

(I was sympathetic at the time. But the last time I saw him he brought this up every 20 minutes or so shaking his head at me saying I need to "stop with the fights" and that he can't think clearly anymore."

Well, he turns around and then starts to say he is partially blaming me for it. I told him I wouldn't be coming over and blocked him. He sent me a VM telling me he was sick of me and he was driving down to the cops right now. He has threatened to file restraining orders and charges for the slapping. He ended up leaving my key at the police station that he still had in his possesion...all because I told him I wasn't coming over. Originally the police said they wouldn't take it when I called to ask if he had been there, but an officer I knew from there ended up intercepting it when he got there and took the key for me.

Originally Posted by CrystalGirlx

I ended up falling pregnant, and the abuse escalated severely to the point where I feared for my mine and my future child's safety so I left. I am currently 5 months pregnant.

I am so sorry to hear about this abuse (and this is no doubt, definitely an abuse). Please, take care of yourself and your baby. Please stay far away from him as possible and if necessary, file a restraining order against him.

Is there a crisis pregnancy center, near you? They may have some resources for you. You can also call the domestic violence hotline.

[CrystalGirlx]

Originally Posted by ennie

I am so sorry to hear about this abuse (and this is no doubt, definitely an abuse). Please, take care of yourself and your baby. Please stay far away from him as possible and if necessary, file a restraining order against him.

Is there a crisis pregnancy center, near you? They may have some resources for you. You can also call the domestic violence hotline.

Right now I don't really have any grounds to file one. I definitely wouldn't get one on an emergent basis. The abuse is too sporadic and spaced out to justify filing for a TRO. If I did try, and happened to end up getting one he would most likely end up trying to counter file against me with assault charges. I would have to wait till he poses a serious threat (comes to my house or job, or starts to stalk me again) I was given the option to file one a long time ago by the officer who bent policy a few days ago to take my key for me. I declined. But this was only after he exhibited seriously alarming behavior. What scares me about him is he is so...unpredictable. He could be nice and charming and then in a moment just....snap. I remember a while ago we had a horrible fight a week before my birthday. I forget what it was even about to be honest. He ended up calling the police on me yet again. I ended up getting flowers the next day from him. I remember one of his issues was that I never post anything nice about him on facebook. So I posted "thanks for the birthday flowers!"

Fast forward to dinner:

Me: I posted something about you, hope it made you happy.

Him: What was up with that?

Me: What?

Him: You lied...you are a liar. I didn't get those flowers for your birthday. I got them because we had a fight. What the hell is wrong with you?

Me: ...I...im sorry?

Him: Take it down right now. Delete me from facebook. I don't want to be involved with your lies.

He ended up storming out and left a full plate of dinner on the table. He came back FIVE hours later completely wasted and forcefully tried to drag me out of bed and pretending to call the police saying I was drunk and disorderly. I called my family for help, and he kept saying "cry baby calling her mommy grow up you're 27."

Now, I just am kind of playing the waiting game as to see what he pulls regarding our baby. I have a legal aide number, and have been too nervous to ring it. I hate myself for allowing him to get me pregnant. I think back on all the incidents like the ones above and say "why? why did you let this happen?" I remember the exact day he got me pregnant too. I thought about taking the morning after pill...and I didn't. He for some reason had me convinced I couldn't get pregnant. I don't know why, but he would often say things like "I really didn't think you were even able to get pregnant" We barely were having sex because he would become flacid and say it was too difficult to have sex with me sometimes. He was once giving me oral and he LAUGHED into my private area so hard I felt the vibrations.

Originally Posted by CrystalGirlx

I hate myself for allowing him to get me pregnant.

One thing for sure is that your baby is a precious human being as you are, and is going to have a great parent and a role model--you.

You are a considerate person who puts other people's feelings first. That is evident by you posting something nice about your ex on facebook. (Your ex just wants to find reasons to criticize someone).

You are also a person of integrity, who doesn't retaliate for all the wrongs your ex has done to you.

You are also incredibly brave for taking the initiave to leave him and go into therapy.

I hope you and your baby will have a peaceful future. This man sounds like a seriously-emotionally disturbed person and not safe to be around. I am glad he is leaving you and your baby alone.

[CrystalGirlx]

Originally Posted by ennie

One thing for sure is that your baby is a precious human being as you are, and is going to have a great parent and a role model--you.

You are a considerate person who puts other people's feelings first. That is evident by you posting something nice about your ex on facebook. (Your ex just wants to find reasons to criticize someone).

You are also a person of integrity, who doesn't retaliate for all the wrongs your ex has done to you.

You are also incredibly brave for taking the initiave to leave him and go into therapy.

I hope you and your baby will have a peaceful future. This man sounds like a seriously-emotionally disturbed person and not safe to be around. I am glad he is leaving you and your baby alone.

I don't want to retaliate at all. I have invited him to every ultrasound, doctors appointment, etc. I have even told him if we don't work out I don't want to keep his child from him. Every single time we fight he says it may not even be his. I stopped inviting him to the appointments as he has done something to upset me every single time. He will be absolutely wonderful, caring, and kind and then just snap. The last ultrasound I had he picked me up and notice my sink had some blue stains from my hair dye and asked if I just sucked **** all day. I wasn't in the mood to play so I just said no, and he proceeded to ask if it was really worth it since I suck so badly at it.

I was so upset by it and he could tell, and he started cursing at me and threatened to not take me to the ultrasound. Prior to that the last ultrasound he screamed at me and refused to talk to me for about 20 minutes saying he was just here to get it over with and had better things to do.

I just had enough. I am praying he just leaves me and the baby alone once it is born. He tells me he has had enough of me, I make him miserable, i'm nuts, abusive, etc.

He has no idea what nuts and abusive is. I told him I would want him to see his child whenever possible if he chooses, and I also would only seek the minimum for child support. He says couples that were in love don't talk about child support. He actually had the audacity to say "Who knows where that money goes, do they make you save receipts?"

I have made every effort possible to be calm, understanding, and not like those nasty ex's people hear about in custody battles. He paints me out to everyone, including his mother, as abusive. He even told me his mother called me "evil".

[sarahsweets]

I want to let you know that I admire your resilience. I dont mean to sound harsh: The stress you are under will directly affect the baby. I cant find the sources but mother's who are under your kind of stress and abuse have a higher percentage of having kids with adhd, anxiety,and other mental health issues. You may think it only affects you but it doesnt. It is your job to provide a safe environment for your baby and staying with him will not be safe. Even if you think he would never harm the baby, harming you will harm the baby. Kids that grow up around chaos and inconsistent instability are more likely to pick bad partners for themselves and are more likely to tolerate abuse. And if he does get abusive with you and the baby those stats get blown out of the water. Please contact whatever agency you can think of, contact your family and get out. Get out before your baby gets used to him. You dont want him to be one of those parents that kidknaps their child. I know it will be hard, and that it might seem like the resources are not there but they are. I know you cant file a police report now but go to them and ask them what you should do. When should you get them involved? What resources can they refer you to? Do not wait this one out....

[CrystalGirlx]

I am out. I don't live with him anymore, I don't have any direct contact with him anymore. I am just not sure if or what he is going to pull come the due date. I feel like it could go either way. A baby is a huge strain on someone, and he is focused mainly on his own needs/wants. I don't know if he could handle being in care of an infant, so he many not try for any type of custody....OR he could try for custody just out of spite to hurt me.

I just don't know what is going to happen. He is the type of person who constantly needs to be out. Always somewhere, whether it is walking around the mall, going to a bar, going to a concert...just out. I tried to explain to him that this is all going to completely change for him once a child is born. You're not going to walk around a mall every night with a baby, you can't bring a baby into a bar. The most you can do with a baby is go to a restaurant and have a glass of wine or a beer. You can't sit and drink margaritas with a baby.

I also explained to him his dynamic of dating is going to change. He isn't going to be able to meet people for drinks anymore, he is going to have to find a sitter. He is also in his mid fifties, and I told him women in his age bracket are not likely to want to have to deal with a man who has an infant. He said, "Women love men with babies." Yes...they do. But your dating life is going to completely change. Your daily dates and meetings for drinks are going to evaporate.

I've dated men with young children. It's not an easy relationship, and it is just not something I can see him wanting to have. I feel like he is going to end up verbally abusing/neglecting the child because the child effects his social life.