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Old 02-25-2019, 07:30 PM #1
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Default Is my relationship abusive?

Hello there,
I have been in a relationship with a 23 year old man for the past 2 years. In the beginning he was really respectful, fun, and a gentlemen. At the time I was going through some family issues. To avoid having to move back into my parents house I moved into an apartment with him. I waited 2 months before we got exclusive and things were fine, that is until I moved in with him. I am not controlling as a girlfriend, I enjoy my space and freedom and I believe everyone has a right to this. I remember that the first thing he did that started making me feel unsafe was that he put his hands around my neck for no apparent reason as if he was going to choke me over a very small argument. Things went downhill from there. He began talking to other girls on social media (snapchat, facebook, tinder), he was sending them pictures, flirting, receiving innapropriate pictures from them, and even asking them to go out with him. I found out his real "occupation" was selling weed, which I never saw as horrible because its just a plant, but this began to be his scape goat as to why he was messaging these women. It never stopped and every time I confronted him he would explode, and eventually one thing would lead to another and things would get physical. Although, it is usually just him pushing me, holding my wrists, dragging me across the floor, holding me down on the bed. He says he does it because I get "too emotional" and he doesn't want me to leave in that state, but if I fight back or slap him he slaps me right back. He says he would never actually hurt me though. He doesn't even validate me on his social media, which again, I could care less, but at the same time I feel like its because he's just trying to talk to other females. He is very confrontational towards other men, and has tried to fight my dad even. I feel like he has brainwashed me almost, he keeps strict tabs on me and if I do not answer the phone he freaks out. I have stopped seeing my friends, family, and I have even switched to online college because I have a subconscious fear of doing anything without him now. I am very loyal, and I tend to only see the good in people, which yes we have had our good times, but the longer I stay the more I feel alienated and even brain washed by him. I broke it off with him 2 months ago after having a freakout at work and quitting my job because the stress was too much to handle. I took him back shortly after because he repented and promised to change. Since then, he has been quite better and is looking for a legitimate job and has stopped talking to other females, but, I just can't seem to shake the feeling that he is manipulating me, no matter how innocent his disposition seems to be. I'm really frustrated because he says he just didn't know any better and that I needed to teach him how to be a good boyfriend, but I mean how dumb can a 23 year old be?? Also, before I quit my job I was paying half for everything (despite him making more than me), Working 40hours a week (while he did nothing most days other than serve), Taking 2 classes online, and doing all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I just have this pit in my stomach that says GTFO, but I also do not want to seem irrational. I feel like if he is manipulating me, he very well could as he is very smooth, charming, and lovable. I almost love him like a son now, so the feelings are very confusing. I don't know if anyone has experienced anything like this before, or if its abusive or maybe i'm just nuts?
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Old 02-25-2019, 08:23 PM #2
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Smile Re: Is my relationship abusive?

Hello MissLeah: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

Yes, I would say absolutely you are in an abusive relationship. Here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that talk about how to determine if you are in an abusive relationship including a quiz on the subject you can take:

21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

7 Signs You May Be in an Abusive Relationship

11 Signs You're the Victim of Narcissistic Abuse

Signs of Emotional Abuse

11 Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse in Relationships

https://psychcentral.com/library/domestic_quiz.htm

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
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Old 02-27-2019, 01:58 PM #3
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Default Re: Is my relationship abusive?

Your gut is ususally right!
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Old 02-27-2019, 06:29 PM #4
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Default Re: Is my relationship abusive?

Abusers do what he has done to you,stop you seeing friends and family and monitor where you go and what you do,I think he is manipulating you into dropping friends and family so you are dependent only on him and he is upset if he calls and you don't answer and his physical violence outbursts are a warning sign,it is not a reason to say he has to do that because you are too emotional.No No No,this relationship isn't safe or healthy and he knows what he does is wrong,saying you have to teach him to be a good boyfriend cos he doesn't know what he does is wrong is a load of ********.He knows his behaviour is bad and if you think he is manipulating you and brainwashing you you most likely are right. GOOTR.....do what your gut is telling you GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP,before you lose yourself,your identity and your freedom,and before the physical abuse gets worse!
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Old 02-27-2019, 07:37 PM #5
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Default Re: Is my relationship abusive?

Thanks for posting. As I read there were several parts that sound like my marriage. T has been gently calling it out for a couple weeks now. Reading you say some things almost identical to my situation was an eye opener. Yes, he is abusive. I know this is going to sound bad coming from someone in a similar boat but... the longer you stay the harder he will make it to get out so going sooner is better.
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Old 02-27-2019, 08:29 PM #6
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Default Re: Is my relationship abusive?

People don't just change over night. He is manipulating you into returning, and will eventually still exhibit the same behaviors again.

I ended up putting a restraining order on my ex fiance once due to him basically having a complete freak out episode. I had called him "nasty" and he grabbed me and put his hands around my neck and SLAMMED me into the wall so hard it left a hole in it. He dragged me down the stairs, and then shoved me outside with barely any clothes on in the pouring rain which ended up leaving bruises all over me. He THREW my purse outside which completely ruined everything in it.

I ended up dropping the restraining order. He had come to me crying saying he knew he had a problem, and he was pushing away everyone he loved with his anger and rage issues. He said he had completely deserved it, and he was so sorry for what he had put me through.

Three years later? I am a lying B*ch who manipulates and abuses men. I am the abusive one. I am mentally unstable. I had even brought up to him that he had actually said that he deserved the restraining order at one point. I was raged at, had the police called on me, and told I was a pathological liar and an "fing c*nt" for ever saying he deserved that. He never said such things. I am a liar. Abusers are wonderful manipulators.

It doesn't change. People who behave like this need to be medicated and in therapy. Don't just accept a "I need to be taught". People who behave like this have chemical imbalances who need to be under the supervision of a psychiatrist and be seen by a psychologist. I would say a rare few actually really acknowledge they have an issue at all. This is NOT your boyfriend. He has NOT changed. He is manipulating you. Eventually he will begin to physically and verbally abuse you again and it will get progressively worse.

Last edited by CrystalGirlx; 02-27-2019 at 08:46 PM.
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Old 02-28-2019, 03:22 AM #7
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Default Re: Is my relationship abusive?

It is an abusive relationship. He is an abuser. Get out as quickly as possible.
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Old 02-28-2019, 03:59 AM #8
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You must leave if you expect to live.
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Old 02-28-2019, 02:06 PM #9
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Default Re: Is my relationship abusive?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLeah12349 View Post
I feel like if he is manipulating me, he very well could as he is very smooth, charming, and lovable.
That's the confusing part about abusers. But charm is their mask. I agree with others that you need to leave him.
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Old 02-28-2019, 03:54 PM #10
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Default Re: Is my relationship abusive?

He is abusive and manipulative. he isn't going to change.Hopefully, you will find the strength to leave him. He will do and say anything to hang on to you.....and Yes, abuse is literally brainwashing, that is why it is so confusing. If you decide to leave, don't tell him;he will be very angry and want to argue and manipulate you into staying.

Depending on what state you live in, marijuana isnt just a plant it can be illegal.
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