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Old 03-03-2019, 08:13 PM   #1
CrystalGirlx
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Default Why do they never remember? (trigger of verbal abuse)

I am pregnant with my ex's baby. I left him due to pretty severe verbal abuse. I have wanted to try to come to some sort of common ground with him relating to how we communicate. I met with a therapist some time ago and she recommended setting up boundaries for communication of what I would and would not tolerate. Though she said it may not be possible.

And she was right. He just has no comprehension of what he put me through. He tells me that I abused him. That I make up stories. I am a "pathological liar".

He actually told me we had "fights" that got a "little" out of hand. He doesn't see anything abusive about his conduct and he thinks it is awful that I could even say he was abusive given MY abusive conduct.

His ideas of little out of hand fights are him screaming at me for hours upon hours while black out drunk. Him locking me out of the house. Him calling me dumb, stupid, ridiculing my job, and so much more. He only remembers my reactions to being pushed over the edge. He doesn't acknowledge the many nights I spent crying in front of him in utter dispair from his constant verbal assaults. The times he woke to rage at me for some little thing I did he thought was done to "make him look like a fool" and hed make me so upset I would cry hysterically so hard I was dry heaving.

The last time I tried to see him was valentines day. It was his birthday, and I was feeling rather emotionally and alone. He told me he had "plans" for valentines day. I begged him to please come see me, I wanted things to be okay for our baby's sake. He KNEW I was upset. I called him and left several voice mails crying and texted him pretty much the entire night. He had no qualms about it. He told me he had always tried to love and support me and never didn't take my feelings into account just the other day. He says he has no idea where all these "abuse" allegations come from. I mentioned Valentines' Day. I quote his exact words:

Ex: We were broken up. You expected me to see you on Valetines Day?

Me: I am pregnant with your child. I was feeling very depressed. I was crying all night and really having a rough time and I wanted you to be there for me.

Ex: You are SUCH an actress. I have no idea what you were doing that night.

I ended up going over his house a few days later to pick up some belongings and I saw a valetine's heart in his fridge. I asked him where he got it and he said "a friend". I really broke down. I was crying, saying I was pregnant with his baby begging him to see me on Valetine's day and he went on a date? All he could say was "we were broken up". I ended up throwing the candy (which I regret) and he actually picked up his phone to dial the police to have me removed. I get I should have handled myself better, but I spoke to a few people about this and they all agree that they would NOT have handled that situation much better and he just seems to not have any comprehension or care about how his actions effect me.

It is ALWAYS me. It is ALWAYS my fault.










Just why?
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Old 03-03-2019, 08:38 PM   #2
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Default Re: Why do they never remember? (trigger of verbal abuse)

My therapist mentioned narcissism, and if you look back and my prior thread in personality disorders it has a more detailed description of some of his behaviors.
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Old 03-03-2019, 10:17 PM   #3
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Default Re: Why do they never remember? (trigger of verbal abuse)

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Originally Posted by CrystalGirlx View Post

Just why?
It sounds like your ex is using psychological projection. He is trying to avoid responsibility for his behavior by projecting it on you.

Next time you go to his house, can you ask someone to come with you? It's helpful to have a witness because of his tendency to twist stories.
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Old 03-03-2019, 10:23 PM   #4
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Default Re: Why do they never remember? (trigger of verbal abuse)

His ability to do this is just so disturbing. He's done this throughout the entire relationship. He will twist and manipulate situations to his advantage, while completely ripping me apart and making himself look wonderful.

What he did to me on valentines day was actually pretty mild. I have no reason to be at his house anymore. All of our belongings are exchanged.

He messaged me after the day I threw the heart and said he was "sick of my abuse" and couldn't believe my behavior that day. I was just dumb founded. Here I am pregnant with his kid, and he is out going on dates for valentines day and rubbing it in my face and he doesn't expect me to care. I begged him that night to see me. He actually blocked my phone number. He ended up saying the heart was for me AFTER I threw it. He called me a stupid c*nt and said he was calling the police. I have been called a c*nt more times than I can count since I got pregnant. He only started with that after I got pregnant.

Had I done this to him, all hell would have broken loose. We were supposed to meet yesterday but he cancelled on me and said, "Do you know what it's like sitting next to someone who calls you abusive?"

I was like seriously? Do you know what it's like sitting next to someone that calls you a c*nt or laughs into your private parts during oral sex saying it was "so hard to be with you". Do you know what it's like being with someone who calls you stupid? A failure?

He hung up and blocked me.
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Old 03-03-2019, 10:28 PM   #5
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Default Re: Why do they never remember? (trigger of verbal abuse)

"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
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Old 03-04-2019, 12:08 AM   #6
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Default Re: Why do they never remember? (trigger of verbal abuse)

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He hung up and blocked me.
You and your baby deserve peace. It's good for now that he is not bothering you so you can get the rest you need as a mom. Even a stranger possesses the kindness to give up a seat on the bus for a pregnant woman. How he is distressing you is not good for your health, and utterly unacceptable.
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Old 03-04-2019, 05:56 AM   #7
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Default Re: Why do they never remember? (trigger of verbal abuse)

He isnt going to change, so you will have to protect yourself and your baby. Only talk to him when necessary. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life after 31 years of verbal abuse.

Quite often abusers use projection...they project onto YOU, the feelings they have about themselves. He probably feels HE is a failure. They hate themselves.,and want you to be as miserable as they are. They don't care how you feel or what you think, so talking to them is useless.

Every time you are under stress...verbal abuse....your body releases cortisol and cortisol damages your immune system...leaving you wide open for all kinds of illnesses. This is not good for you or your baby.
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Old 03-04-2019, 12:14 PM   #8
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Default Re: Why do they never remember? (trigger of verbal abuse)

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Quite often abusers use projection...they project onto YOU, the feelings they have about themselves. He probably feels HE is a failure. They hate themselves.,and want you to be as miserable as they are.
Nicole's right. CrystalGirlx, since you mentioned he may be narcissistic, you may want to look up malignant narcissism. Malignant narcissists are said to have an inexplicable hatred. They hate without having any legitimate cause or reason to.
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Old 03-05-2019, 12:34 AM   #9
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Default Re: Why do they never remember? (trigger of verbal abuse)

There is no answer to the question "Why?" that any of us will understand.

I asked mine, in tears, heartbroken and devastated upon learning of the other woman "Why would you do this to me?!" and his response was "I'm not doing anything to you"


I am realizing that everything he ever did was for him. His benefit. His pleasure.



That definitely sounds like it could be narcissistic, and that you have been being de-valued (with the laughing and the 'putting up with you') and are now being discarded.


Nicole and ennie are absolutely right.
He's accusing you and will never see himself as being to blame.
And he will never change.


My heart goes out to you.
I'm trying to wrap my head around my own experience and I feel your pain.


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Old 03-05-2019, 04:11 PM   #10
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Default Re: Why do they never remember? (trigger of verbal abuse)

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There is no answer to the question "Why?" that any of us will understand.

I asked mine, in tears, heartbroken and devastated upon learning of the other woman "Why would you do this to me?!" and his response was "I'm not doing anything to you"


I am realizing that everything he ever did was for him. His benefit. His pleasure.



That definitely sounds like it could be narcissistic, and that you have been being de-valued (with the laughing and the 'putting up with you') and are now being discarded.


Nicole and ennie are absolutely right.
He's accusing you and will never see himself as being to blame.
And he will never change.


My heart goes out to you.
I'm trying to wrap my head around my own experience and I feel your pain.


My ex did some pretty horrible things and that was pretty much all I heard throughout the entire relationship. "I am not doing anything to you". Everything was a "little" fight that "got out of hand". I don't consider being woken up at 4 am to be screamed at saying you believe I am having sex with another man because I was experiencing mid-cycle bleeding a "little out of hand". I don't consider him screaming bloody murder at me for over an hour because he thought me over tipping a waitress "was to make him look like a fool". I don't consider me getting drunk at a comedy show and apparently he believed I touched him during a "small penis" joke and was "humiliating" him and being called a b*ch and screamed at for HOURS a "little" out of hand. I started to break down from the constant verbal assaults. I became the crazy one for not being able to handle it, for fighting back, for defending myself. He doesn't remember any of the things he does...just my reactions.
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