You don't owe your abuser anything

This is not my own saying. An older and wiser person has taught me this. You don't "owe" your abuser even if he talks like you do. He will say things like,

"I (financially) provided for you all these years"


or

"You wouldn't have this job if I didn't connect you with my buddy"

Still, it's important to remember that you don't owe your abuser anything.

That is great advice! I am going to add this to my positive quotes.

Thanks for sharing. I agree, we don’t owe abusers a thing.

But as a codependent, that's the hardest part of leaving a narcissist for me -- b/c I feel I do owe them when I know better. It's very difficult to detach from a narcissist b/c they are so good at emotional abuse.

Yes, easier said than done but we've got to stick with it and never let them see the crack in the door where they can enter back in.

Definitely easier said than done.

Sister who uses emotional blackmail with me: "Well, we'll have to cancel our trip if you don't dog sit. It's too late to book a kennel and I don't want to ask our brother or neighbors b/c they're already busy."

I had told her two weeks before their trip that I was too stressed out to dog-sit as I originally offered to do. She could have easily found another kennel, asked our brother, or asked one of her next door neighbors. But she refused to and tried to guilt-trip me. I caved b/c she dangles her three kids in front of me, when I have strong boundaries with her, as though she won't include me in their lives if I stand up to her. In our entire lives, she's never apologized to me, never considered my feelings, and treats me the way you'd treat a housecleaning or gardening staff. That's just one example.

When she excludes you, does she make it obvious that she's doing that or does she come up with excuses to make it not look like it's her fault? Often times passive-aggressive people play innocent ("Oh, the kids changed their minds at last minute and wanted to go somewhere else," etc.) so that confronting them would render useless.

This is a different kind of the abuser's "You owe me" in a form of a sense of entitlement, accompanied by a threat. It's an incredibly -tough situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche Definitely easier said than done. Sister who uses emotional blackmail with me: "Well, we'll have to cancel our trip if you don't dog sit. It's too late to book a kennel and I don't want to ask our brother or neighbors b/c they're already busy." I had told her two weeks before their trip that I was too stressed out to dog-sit as I originally offered to do. She could have easily found another kennel, asked our brother, or asked one of her next door neighbors. But she refused to and tried to guilt-trip me. I caved b/c she dangles her three kids in front of me, when I have strong boundaries with her, as though she won't include me in their lives if I stand up to her. In our entire lives, she's never apologized to me, never considered my feelings, and treats me the way you'd treat a housecleaning or gardening staff. That's just one example.

Oh Blanche that’s terrible. It’s good that you care so much about your nieces and nephews.

It is incredibly tough b/c my sister lies to me all the time about her kids availability to spend time with me. I will suggest weekend dates or times, to which she always shoots down, citing "oh the kids have such and such activity that day" and how am I supposed to know if it's true or not? She always plays innocent but I can see behind that facade as I've caught her in lies which just enrages her. It's pathetic.

Thanks sarahsweets. I do care about them, but I have no way to know what my sister tells them about me as she only lets me see them on holidays and birthdays. She won't let me hang out with them like take them to a movie or play or go to lunch or anything as if I'm some kind of criminal which of course I'm not. We did family therapy after our father died and she called out my sister and brother as narcissists, and that prompted them both to quit the family therapy sessions which I felt was a victory in a way. Another person recognized their patterns of abuse, called them on it, and in response they ran away from the family therapy b/c they wanted to continue to triangulate me without being held accountable. I just can't win.

That's the typical narc-abuser's reaction to boundaries: Passive-aggressive retaliation. She would not make it obvious because that would make confrontation possible and would lead to accountability.

I hope her kids will soon see through her, and see her for who she really is.