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Old 03-19-2019, 07:04 PM #11
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How are you feeling today? Better? Hope so [Hugz].
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Old 03-20-2019, 11:40 AM #12
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Hi all,

Thank you so much for the kind, uplifting replies.

I am having a difficult time. I did a medical withdrawal from university and now I'm really struggling with loneliness, among other things. My heart aches. My teddy bears say hi and I feel little. Really little - so little I don't want to engage with the world anymore.

Everyday I am reminded of my abusers and what they did. It shatters my heart and I want to die sometimes. So much energy just to stay alive and survive. I want to live. To have a girlfriend and be happy and comfortable.

My teddy bears send warm snuggly cuddles.
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Old 03-20-2019, 01:04 PM #13
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Default Re: I am so triggered right now

You are NOT:
Lazy, crazy, stupid, awful, terrible, horrible, bad, unworthy, unloveable, worthless, hopeless, evil, loveless,unsympathetic, useless or insignificant.
You are human,
You have flaws,
You have gifts- and you are willing to share those gifts which means you are kind.

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Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ View Post
Hi all,

Thank you so much for the kind, uplifting replies.

I am having a difficult time. I did a medical withdrawal from university and now I'm really struggling with loneliness, among other things. My heart aches. My teddy bears say hi and I feel little. Really little - so little I don't want to engage with the world anymore.

Everyday I am reminded of my abusers and what they did. It shatters my heart and I want to die sometimes. So much energy just to stay alive and survive. I want to live. To have a girlfriend and be happy and comfortable.

My teddy bears send warm snuggly cuddles.
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Old 03-20-2019, 01:07 PM #14
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HD.....
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Old 03-22-2019, 12:08 PM #15
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Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ View Post
Thanks for the kind message of support.

I live in Canada and purchased legal marijuana. I find it helps take the edge off and I have used it several times in the past month. I use it as a last resort.

I am really wanting to get an animal. Teddy bears are lovely creatures and have saved my life these past few years, but I want something that I can bond with and take with me outside. Teddy bears cannot be carried outside unfortunately.

Yesterday was a horrible day. I was constantly bombarded with trauma memories and flashbacks.

Thanks,
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I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. I hope you get your pet soon.
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Old 03-25-2019, 08:24 PM #16
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Old 03-26-2019, 03:29 PM #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ View Post
I am so hurt. I keep ruminating about my abusers. Their faces, the things they said and did. I want to know why abusers abuse and why humans are capable of so much evil! I didn't deserve it!

I want to escape my body right now.

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I completely understand how you feel! I do this all the time! I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! Have you thought about looking for some positive quotes to recite? Do some ground technique?
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Old 03-26-2019, 05:50 PM #18
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Old 03-27-2019, 02:52 AM #19
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Default Re: I am so triggered right now

I hate that victims have to deal with these periods of not being able to get the abuse and there face out of our minds. I feel they have won, we will forever have days or periods like this and nobody deserves it. I often feel guilty for still having a hard time with something that happened so long ago, I realized that no matter how much therapy we have the fact that it is a part of our past will never disappear and the mind is so complicated we never know what or when we will have episodes 😞 hang in there you are not alone.
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Old 03-28-2019, 07:45 PM #20
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I completely understand how you feel! I do this all the time! I'm sorry that you are struggling right now! Have you thought about looking for some positive quotes to recite? Do some ground technique?
Thanks for sharing this.

I have a quote on my wall right now that I am using to turn my negative energy during flashbacks and triggers into something positive. It is something I heard on a distress line call.

The quote is, "Be your own hero."

I no longer want to look to fellow humans for the support I need. Instead, I look to myself and realize that I can help others and provide for others what has never been given to me. It helps to channel the negative energy into something, and so - every attempt I make to expose and or advocate for change in the healthcare system (because that is where my trauma happened), I feel a little bit better. It is also good to help others - even if only to inform others of potential hazards in therapy.

As all of us with trauma will understand - placing faith in our fellow humans can be recipe for disaster. While we can and sometimes DO find a hero who can help aid us in our recovery - it can also lead to further abuse. We make ourselves vulnerable when we desperately seek out relationships with others who can prove us wrong; that humans CAN be trusted... Subconsciously we can become entangled in similar relationship dynamics, through repetition compulsions, which unfortunately can lead us into further abusive relationships and ultimately, lead us further into the rabbit hole of isolation and hatred for humanity.

I have tried so hard to stop looking for this savior, but I haven't given up entirely on humans. I think there are good people out here who will not exploit us when we make ourselves vulnerable. That is what we need to heal. our trauma is interpersonal in nature and the argument is - the only way to heal it is in an interpersonal relationship...

I wish more of us found it.

My therapist said something the other day that I have really harnessed. She said, "everyday, ask yourself if you are living the life you want to live." When she said this I laughed - because of course I am not! I don't think many of us could! But since she said this, I have really pushed myself out of my comfort zone, taken baby steps with the intention of improving my life. She also touched on the topic of, "Post-Traumatic Growth." Something I have harnessed in the past, which led me to pursue the career I am currently in school for.

Going uphill is so hard - hoping and praying that each and every one of us gets free from our trauma and is able to move forward without the burden of the past.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz
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"stand for those who are forgotten - sacrifice for those who forget"
"roller coasters not only go up and down - they also go in circles"
"the point of therapy - is to get out of therapy"
"don't put all your eggs - in one basket"
"promote pleasure - prevent pain"
"with change - comes loss"

Last edited by HD7970GHZ; 03-28-2019 at 08:20 PM.
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