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Old 03-14-2019, 05:00 PM #1
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Default Narcissist encounter

I recently had coffee with a man I've known on social media; we met for the first time after knowing each other online for about six months. He's in his late 50s btw and was in a 5 year relationship with a woman who supposedly (accord. to him, broke up with him and blocked him on her social media).

We spent the whole day together, first at the coffee shop, then later at a music venue. At the music venue we were very flirty with each other.

While I waited in his car for my car to warm up (the windchill outside was below zero and my car was parked farther away from the music venue than his was), we talked a lot.

Then, when we got to my car, he kissed me on my cheek, texted me a pet name later to see if i made it home safely, and proceeded to bombard me with posts and messages on my social media after that to the point where I felt confused about his intentions.

When we talked on the phone about why he kissed me on the cheek he admitted that he probably shouldn't have, considering he's not attracted to me.

But here is a list of the red flags about his behavior, that makes me think he is a narcissist.
  • Was physically flirty and touchy feely with me at the music venue, kissed me on the cheek at the end of the night, then said, "Well, see you on the social media group page!"
  • When I called him, he waited a few hours before he responded via text, "Saw you called. What did I miss?"
  • Bombarded my social media account with flirty GIFS, memes, messages, and posts.
  • When I gave him specific dates I was available to get together, he never responded.
  • Called me up at the last minute to see if I was interested in meeting him late at night to go listen to music at a music venue.

When I got fed up with his mixed messages on social media, I sent him a message explaining why I was blocking him. He responded via text, that he didn't see this coming and wanted to 'fix things' between us. I refused to respond and blocked his cellphone number. Later, he called me from an unknown number. Against my better judgment, I engaged in conversation with.

It revealed his narcissistic personality traits.

I tried to explain to him in straightforward terms, why I blocked him on social media: he gave me mixed messages, and made me feel like he was using me for online entertainment and not interested in a real friendship offline.

His response was to defend himself, "I really don't think I did anything wrong."

Then he tried to shame me, "I don't mean to put you down, but I think you overreacted here."

Then he tried to belittle me, "No one else in my circle of friends -- esp. women has a problem with how much I communicate with them online."

Then he bragged and tried to shame me again, "I have friends all over the world, some of whom I don't see that often anymore. I made a special effort to see you, because we'd been talking online in that social media group for months. I didn't realize that just because we spent the day together, that means it had to lead to anything offline."

I tried to keep him on topic, and circle him back to my point being that I didn't like the way I feel he misled me with his mixed messages when we met in person. I read that you should try to avoid falling into the trap with narcissists of explaining, or oversharing personal information because they will later use that against you. But unfortunately, I fell into both traps with this guy; I told him about how I'd been used by men in my past who were narcissists, some of whom hit me in public, were drunk in public while out with me, who tried to control what I wore, what food I ate, my social schedule and who I hung out with. I regret telling him this information b/c it made me feel weak. I didn't have to tell him ANY of that personal history of mine. It's none of his business.

I feel like I set boundaries with him, by blocking him, but failed by answering his phone call when he called me from an unknown number. I feel free again, knowing that I am not dating him, and I have blocked him on social media despite us having mutual friends (two of whom asked me about him, but I refused to discuss it).

Everything had to be on his terms when we met in person, even the way he responded to my phone call and when I blocked him on social media. He gave me mixed messages then denied it, instead of trying to empathize with me and see the situation from my POV.
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Old 03-15-2019, 05:58 PM #2
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RUN!!!!!!!!!!
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Old 03-15-2019, 06:22 PM #3
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RUN!!!!!!!!!!
BLUEDOVE so do you have personal experience with narcissistic personalities too?
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Old 03-16-2019, 03:01 PM #4
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Default Re: Narcissist encounter

It sounds like you felt upset with his mixed messages (rightfully so), and rejected, in a sense? I think the way he acted was weird and annoying. Why did he call you from an unknown number, for instance, after you blocked him? It doesn't necessarily make him narcissistic, in my opinion. But it's definitely strange behavior. I'm just saying there could be a number of things going on with this guy. I think you did the right thing by blocking him. It sounds like you guys are on "completely different wave lengths." Not a good fit. StreetcarBlanche, I say find something positive, healthy, and empowering to engage in. He doesn't sound like it. Sorry you had that experience.
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Old 03-16-2019, 03:20 PM #5
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Originally Posted by Ptak View Post
It sounds like you felt upset with his mixed messages (rightfully so), and rejected, in a sense? I think the way he acted was weird and annoying. Why did he call you from an unknown number, for instance, after you blocked him? It doesn't necessarily make him narcissistic, in my opinion. But it's definitely strange behavior. I'm just saying there could be a number of things going on with this guy. I think you did the right thing by blocking him. It sounds like you guys are on "completely different wave lengths." Not a good fit. StreetcarBlanche, I say find something positive, healthy, and empowering to engage in. He doesn't sound like it. Sorry you had that experience.
Yes, I was very upset with his mixed messages. How can you kiss someone on the cheek, then tell them, "see you online!" where you proceed to bombard them regularly with flirty regular messages, after you reject them over the phone, "I'm trying to get back with my ex." It's crazy-making behavior and he's nearly 60 years old. So, there's no excuse for such nonsense. My friend told me, "he's trying to make you his emotional placeholder" while he decides what he wants to do about his ex (or whomever he is dating or wants to date, which clearly isn't me).

I definitely would like to find someone who is positive, healthy and respects me and has good boundaries. I don't know why I can't find that. This experience really upset me b/c I thought he and I had great chemistry in person but apparently, that could be him mirroring me, or the chemistry was totally fake on his end. I have no clue. I deserve better treatment. I don't know why it has to be so hard.
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Old 03-16-2019, 03:55 PM #6
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Default Re: Narcissist encounter

I think people are way too quick to toss the word narcissist around.
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Old 03-16-2019, 06:31 PM #7
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post
I think people are way too quick to toss the word narcissist around.
Absolutely disagree with you. I looked up the characteristic traits of narcissists. He definitely has some narcissistic traits:

1. His lack of responsibility and blaming and deflecting

Narcissists don't want to be responsible for the consequences of their actions if the outcome doesn't go their way.

He wanted me to give him nonstop flirty attention online, responding to his flirty messages knowing that it was not headed towards anything offline that would be romantic. When I told him that his constant messaging me, sent me mixed signals, he tried to deflect by telling me "that doesn't bother my friends" instead of seeing it from my POV, that his flirting with me online after telling me that he doesn't want to date me, is manipulative. If someone tells you they aren't interested in dating you, then they shouldn't send you flirty messages all the time.

2. Lack of Boundaries

Narcissists don't draw clear boundaries with themselves and the people they interact with. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships. Narcissists don't like to be told no, and they don't like boundaries b/c that requires them to be responsible for their actions.

Like I said, if he didn't want to date me, then why kiss me, why call me a pet name via text message but not answer my phone call or return my phone call? Why send me all of those flirty social media messages that confused me regarding what he wants from me: friendship or just attention?

When I blocked him on social media he texted me asking if he could 'fix it' and when I said no, he called me from an unknown number. We talked and I thought he would be able to empathize with me and see the situation not just from his POV but also from my POV; he either chose not to, or is not capable. He kept blaming and shaming me, instead of just admitting why he was sending me those mixed messages with his social media messages and what he said to me on the phone.

3. Narcissists lack empathy.

When I told him how his mixed messages confused me about my role in his life, instead of taking responsibility for misleading me and empathizing with me because of how some men have mistreated me in the past, he expected me to think and feel about his actions the same way HE feels about his actions: that he did NOTHING WRONG by flirting with me on social media b/c of the one conversation we had to clear up why he kissed me on the cheek and got physically flirty with me in person, if he didn't want to date me or wasn't attracted to me. Then why did he lead me on?

4. Emotional Reasoning

If you try to use logic and reason with a narcissist, it won't work because the narcissist is only aware of his own feelings, not the feelings of others.

Like I said before, trying to explain to him how his actions and words didn't match up and confused and mislead me, was like talking to a brick wall b/c the result of that last conversation on the phone was that he was mad at me for misunderstanding his actions, instead of trying to see HOW his actions could confuse and mislead me. He refused to see the situation from my POV at all. It was all about how I was wrong and he was correct.

5. An inability to communicate/work as part of a team/couple

He supposedly has thousands of friends all over the world, yet here I am, one person, and I'm the ONLY ONE who misjudged him out of all of those people, because I'm the one who is wrong.

That just doesn't make any sense to me, how I can be 100% wrong about the way I interpreted his words to me in person and on the phone vs. his actions on social media.

I included a link to further explain why I created this thread to begin with. I truly believe this guy has some traits of narcissism.

14 Signs Someone Is A Narcissist
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Old 03-16-2019, 07:52 PM #8
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Originally Posted by StreetcarBlanche View Post
Yes, I was very upset with his mixed messages. How can you kiss someone on the cheek, then tell them, "see you online!" where you proceed to bombard them regularly with flirty regular messages, after you reject them over the phone, "I'm trying to get back with my ex." It's crazy-making behavior and he's nearly 60 years old. So, there's no excuse for such nonsense. My friend told me, "he's trying to make you his emotional placeholder" while he decides what he wants to do about his ex (or whomever he is dating or wants to date, which clearly isn't me).

I definitely would like to find someone who is positive, healthy and respects me and has good boundaries. I don't know why I can't find that. This experience really upset me b/c I thought he and I had great chemistry in person but apparently, that could be him mirroring me, or the chemistry was totally fake on his end. I have no clue. I deserve better treatment. I don't know why it has to be so hard.
I was thinking about this later on, StreetcarBlanche, and I think this guy is a jerk. You can do better for sure. I myself, am not dating right now. But I've heard the advice "be what you seek," before, and it makes sense. It may sound cheesy, but I'll give it anyway: what if you yourself worked on becoming positive, healthy, respected yourself and others, and had good boundaries? If this is already you, I apologize and please feel free to discard if it doesn't resonate.

And yes he gave you majorly mixed messages. I personally think some men need therapy that they're never going to seek and get. I'm glad you Bye Felipe'd him. There are great guys out there too. I've met some. I'm learning that they are the ones that tend to seem boring to us who are attracted to the bad boys and the unavailable. Another piece of great advice I found in my own personal journey, is to not go for the ones who are like a passion pit of "chemistry." Don't go for the roaring fire. Go for the lower heat. Not the zero heat. Just...the coals are warm, smoking, but not burning. Attraction grows sometimes, I've been told. I'm also learning that no one is perfect and no one will fill that void for me. Always trust your gut too.

You may need to kiss your own frogs and learn this for yourself. Or perhaps you will learn something different from what I'm even telling you. Regardless, you deserve better and I wish you peace, happiness, health, respect, and good boundaries
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Old 03-16-2019, 08:00 PM #9
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I agree with sarahsweets - the term "narcissist" is very easily thrown around. I'm not saying that this individual is or isn't a narcissist (we only have a one-sided account about this person and I've never spoken with them), but it is a word that is easily thrown around to describe people.

Narcissism is a very trendy topic right now, with many articles being released about it. So of course the term "narcissist" and amateur diagnoses of NPD are more and more common these days.

Labels shouldn't be the primary focus here. This individual displayed some behaviour that you did not like and was incompatible with what you wanted. So it sounds like you two are not compatible for any sort of relationship, because you want your boundaries to be respected and he is not respectful of your boundaries. That's the primary focus.
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Old 03-18-2019, 09:49 AM #10
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Originally Posted by Ohseedee View Post
I agree with sarahsweets - the term "narcissist" is very easily thrown around. I'm not saying that this individual is or isn't a narcissist (we only have a one-sided account about this person and I've never spoken with them), but it is a word that is easily thrown around to describe people.

Narcissism is a very trendy topic right now, with many articles being released about it. So of course the term "narcissist" and amateur diagnoses of NPD are more and more common these days.

Labels shouldn't be the primary focus here. This individual displayed some behaviour that you did not like and was incompatible with what you wanted. So it sounds like you two are not compatible for any sort of relationship, because you want your boundaries to be respected and he is not respectful of your boundaries. That's the primary focus.
With all due respect, both you and Sarah are wrong in this case. He definitely fits many of the traits that narcissists have. And labels are how we operate in society, so to say that labels shouldn't be the primary focus is very short-sighted. Labels are necessary.

To put it in terms you'd understand: how would you know what type of disease you have, unless your doctors have a label for it? You wouldn't know. How do you know which type of medication to take for which disease? Without a label? You wouldn't know, would you.

So, labels ARE necessary. It's how we function in society. We label everything. Without labels there is just chaos and disorder.

So, I am sorry but I think you and Sarah are so far off base, you're not even at the same game so to speak.

I do agree with your perception that I displayed boundaries he didn't want to respect. In that aspect, you are correct.
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